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touchy bachelor party situation PLEASE HELP!!!

Re: touchy bachelor party situation PLEASE HELP!!!

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    edited December 2011
    t is not appropriate and all your gut instincts are correct.    You are going to get some gals here and IRL telling you that it is his brothers party and that you are being controlling and that it's a bachelor party.  What a bunch of lame excuses to behave badly and in an entitled and disrespectful fashion.   My FH and I had the same stupid argument when one of his long-standing childhood friends got married.   Even the future bride gave me a hard time for not "trusting" FH.   I told her that this had nothing to do with trust.  FH could do whatever he wanted, but if he planned to attend a party that was disrespectful to me and to her, I would understand that our values were not compatible.   She had to get totally drunk that night to not think about what her FH was doing, and my FH who ended up not going told me that her future groom got multiple lapdances at the party.  At the wedding, some of the guys were making in jokes about the bachelor party strippers.    I felt sorry for her.  And even my FH gets it now, saying that while he would have done nothing at the party (I don''t agree with lapdances), the party was immature and disrespectful of other people's relationship.   
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not going to tell you what is right or wrong behavior here, but I am going to say this:

    Life is a messy road.  People make mistakes, fall down, get drunk, make good decisions, get promotions, have kids, waste some money, and just overall do the best they can.

    There will be many situations in life that your fiance will find uncomfortable or that you will find uncomfortable.  This goes far beyond a bachelor party.  What if your husband ends up on a business trip with an attractive woman?  Are you going to call him every twenty minutes and remind him of your wedding vows?  You run the risk of coming across as controlling and paranoid.  That's not a good look either. 

    If you are going to be together for life, then you have to trust your fiance to make good decisions on his own and follow his word.  If you can't trust that about him, then you have bigger issues.
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    danieliza1127danieliza1127 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think what it boils down to is that you don't trust your FI.  Forget all of the other excuses you said about money and his work schedule, it all boils down to the fact that you don't trust him drinking and hanging out with his brothers not to cheat on you.  And that is bad, and sad.  I'm not saying YOU are bad for feeling that way, I'm saying, it's not a good thing to not be able to trust the guy you're about to marry if he's been drinking.  Other situations will come up your whole life long where he might be in temptations way, not even at strip clubs, it could be work or parties or anything else.  If you don't trust him, that's something you need to look seriously at.

    As far as this particular AC weekend, I don't know.  If you forbid him to go, you'll be the bad guy.  If you let him go and don't trust him and worry all weekend, you'll just end up hurt because you'll never trust or believe him when he tells you nothing happened.  Ideally, he would decide not to go to spare your feelings but since it's his brothers, I wouldn't count on that happening.  If it does, they'll blame you and make him feel bad.  It's a tough situation.
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    danieliza1127danieliza1127 member
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    edited December 2011
    Also, keep in mind, those strippers couldn't care less about your FI.  They don't want to hook up with him.  It's just their job and they're doing it for money.  That's it.  Most states don't even allow the strippers to touch guys, so a lapdance isn't even touching anyway. 
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    edited December 2011
    This issue is may be about trust, but it also seems to be about your influence in your FI"s life.  Obviously his brothers are going to be influencing his life and behavior for years to come....not just in this situation.  He is marrying you, and therefore you automatically come first, before his family and even himself.  That's true love- putting your SO's wants and needs before your own (or those of your brothers:).  He needs to do that for you.  I am not saying he must bow down to your every whim and treat you like a spoiled brat, but in those issues that you truely care about he should respect your beliefs.  You feel that bachelor parties (and "crazy" partying in general I am assuming) is wrong...he is going along with it just to please his brothers.  So, I'd say, in this area he needs to respect your beliefs and wishes to stay away from these things.  

    That said, I do think you need to think seriously about why you don't want him to go to the bachelor parties or out w/ his brothers.  It does seem that you ultimately don't want him to go because you don't trust him, but only you can know that.  You may genuinely believe these parties are wrong, if so, see my answer above:)  But if it's the trust thing....well I'd say see a counselor or get out of the relationship all together, cause you definitely do NOT want to drag that problem into your marriage!
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    edited December 2011
    another thing that irks me...why is it always the bride's fault for being insecure and/or not trusting her FI...why can't it just be plain and simple, that that type of behavior is not accepted by everyone and you can trust your FI but not want him to participate in something like that? Why does everyone always seem to side with the groom....His party, hearty single days were over long before the wedding day, his bachelor party and the proposal....
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    danieliza1127danieliza1127 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I see your point about how once you've expressed how uncomfortable you are with the situation, he should respect that.  I do get that and I pretty much agree with you.  BUT this is his brother.  I think it's unfair to ask him not to go to his brother's bachelor party.

    I'm not necessarily "siding" with the groom, but if I am it's because seriously, nothing happens at these bachelor parties.  The stripper doesn't want your FI.  She's not going to be touching him and trying to hook up with him.  If you're worried about his behavior when he's drinking, I'd be more worried about him at a bar or party with real available girls than I would be about strippers who don't want anything to do with him other than his money.

    You and your FI need to sit down and discuss this again and come to an agreement that you both can feel good about.  Maybe a compromise where he goes to the bachelor party but not for the whole weekend and not on the night they are having strippers.  Come up with something, that's what relationships are all about, compromise.
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_touchy-bachelor-party-situation-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:70218fec-d5cd-4110-b766-109e48b8a6d3Post:aae6ea36-0507-4fa0-a700-877dbe93bc76">Re: touchy bachelor party situation PLEASE HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]another thing that irks me...why is it always the bride's fault for being insecure and/or not trusting her FI...why can't it just be plain and simple, that that type of behavior is not accepted by everyone and you can trust your FI but not want him to participate in something like that? Why does everyone always seem to side with the groom....His party, hearty single days were over long before the wedding day, his bachelor party and the proposal....
    Posted by littlepinkturtle[/QUOTE]


    I wouldn't say it's the "bride's fault," and there are situations where a husband has a big problem with what the wife is doing as well.  I don't believe this is a "bachelor party" problem but a bigger issue.  Let's look at a different example:

    My fiance smokes.  Do I like it?  Not particularly.  And there was a time when I got on my moral horse and tried to force him to quit.  I said that I didn't like smoking and that if he loved me and wanted to be with, then he needed to stop smoking.  You know what happened?  He stopped for awhile, but went back to it.  It took some time, but I realized that I can't control him.  He smokes for reasons that have nothing to do with me and if he wants to stop, he'll do it when he's quite good and ready.  He knows how I feel, but I also realize he has to make his own decisions.

    Imagine if you were good friends with a guy, hung out a lot, and your husband started to feel threatened.  He then said "if you love me, you'll stop spending time with this guy."  In your heart, you know that you would never do anything to hurt your husband and it is really a platonic friendship.  What would you do?  It's another situation of we each have differing views, how do we decide to deal with it?

    Again, I'm not touching the strip club thing - I'm just likening it to other situations you'll run into with life.  Come up with a solutuion that keeps both of you happy while respecting each other.  That really is going to mean giving a little bit on each side.
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    edited December 2011
    So your fi thinks it would be 'rude' to turn down a lap dance if someone else bought it for him? Hmmm. That should tell you something, right there.

    He has a valid reason not to attend the party. It is going to be expensive since it involves a flight and I would assume a night or two in a hotel, meals etc....

    If your fi does things that are out of character for him, when he is drunk, he probably has an alcohol problem.

    I don't think you should tell him not to go, though. He's an adult and should be able to assess the situation and make a decision. You have told him how you feel about it. Now, see what he decides to do. It will tell you if  have the same moral values.






     



                       
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    edited December 2011
    ya...i would not marry someone who took off to a drunken bachelor party with "easy women" for an expensive weekend of disgusting debauchery with such low lifes as his brothers have been portrayed to be....IT IS NOT RUDE TO TURN DOWN A LAPDANCE MORE THAN IT IS RUDE TO TURN DOWN A SHAG WITH A STRIPPER THANKS VERY MUCH. you guys are planning a wedding and getting your life together started so if this is the way he wants to behave its best you find out now. Its about VALUES not about family. I dont mind saying i have a problem with my man going to strippers and half the women who say they dont mind are full of sh*t or have been devalued by society enough to beleive that they have to be ok with every disgusting thing men think they need to do to prove themselves to their buddiesin a sad attempt to keep their men happy. People may say its "old fashioned" but i asked my FH about this an he says and I quote: " Whoever thinks its old fashioned or prudish to show some respect for the woman you love is a piece of crap and should not have the privilige of your continued presence in his life." OH SNAP!!!! I told him  that deserves a lapdance. lol but not from no stripper.
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