HELP: Do we NEED a shower?

tylkrist

Dilemma: My sister is having a destination wedding this summer.  She had an engagement party, I am throwing her a bachelorette party (I'm the MOH), they are having ANOTHER co-ed bachelorette party while at the destination wedding, AND she is having a home reception at my parent's house two weeks following the destination piece.

My question is: SHOULD she have a shower? She lives with her fiance, they have a very nice home that is fully furnished (even though it's nice to get things for the celebrating - the jig is up - you don't need a whole bunch of new stuff).  The desination wedding is A WEEK LONG (well not the ceremonies - just the laying by the beach with the attendees part).  My sisters and mom and I are exhausted (not to mention leading extremely busy lives) and we're putting on a huge party after the destination wedding. 

Nobody in the wedding party is stepping up for the shower, either.  Personally, I think it's very stupid to have showers at all if you live with your fiance and have nice things already.  Isn't the point of a shower to help you furnish your home when you and your new husband will need new stuff for your new home when you start a life together?  They make sense if that's the case. 

Don't get me wrong - I love my sister and I want to celebrate her nuptials.  I just wondered if there are special circumstances if you are having all these parties with a destination wedding AND live with your fiance with nice things...do you really need a shower?

jessicabessica

I don't agree that it's "very stupid" to have showers if the bride and groom already live together.  However, I don't think that you have to throw your sister a shower if you don't want to do it, but you don't need to make some random excuse for not doing it.  No one needs a shower or needs a bachelorette party or needs an extravagant wedding.  It sounds like you've done a lot for her, so I would just explain (if she asks--no need to bring it up on your own) that you are very happy for her and have been excited to plan the bachelorette party and the other events that you've been helping with, but you need a breather and can't also host the shower.  I also wouldn't want someone to reluctantly host anything for me as the bride. 

tylkrist

'I don't agree that it's "very stupid" to have showers if the bride and groom already live together.'

I just meant in the circumstances that you already have nice things.  It's just my opinion, but I think it's a little old fashioned in that way an unnecessary. Again...agree to disagree.

But the issue is really not that they already live together and have nice things - it's that they are already having many parties - including an extravagant destination wedding. Expense is becoming an issue - not even just for the planners, but attenders as well.  As the maid of honor (and sister of the bride) - isn't it my duty to ask someone to throw a shower for her (or nudge that I'm not throwing one and someone can take up that responsibility if they'd like)?  My sister/the bride told me it was and is sort of expecting me to.  If so, I feel bad having to ask/nudge people when people are spending all this money to take their vacation time to travel for the wedding.  We are in a recession, you know.  I'm trying to be reasonable and realistic - you can't expect to be treated like a princess for an entire year.

And in this already untraditional extravagent wedding celebration - should she even expect to have one?  Traditionally yes - with a local wedding, I would expect and assume appropriate to have a bachelorette party and a shower.  But this is very different.  It's asking a lot out of people (btw - one bridesmaid is giving birth to twins a month before the wedding, one just got pregnant, and another is engaged - very busy people to ask to throw a shower). 

Thoughts?

jessicabessica

I don't think you need to throw her a shower.  My understanding of what MOH/bridesmaids are supposed to do is get the dress and show up to the wedding sober to stand up next to the bride.  You've already done a lot for your sister that is beyond your MOH duties.  You can't ask someone else to host a shower, someone else needs to offer to do so to the bride.  While different parties might be traditional or expected, no one is entitled to have a party thrown in their honor and they need to wait for someone to offer.  While I agree that in your situation it would be a lot for you to throw a shower, I don't think that the circumstances particularly matter to my answer. 

Does she want a shower for the presents, to see people, or just because that's what she thinks she's entitled to have?  If you look check out the Etiquette board, there are posts from brides complaining about their bridesmaids not throwing their shower or not attending their shower, even, and it's the brides that are in the wrong. 

waltzingmatilda13

A shower is a gift that the host gives to the bride, it's not an obligatory party. The host can be anyone these days, although traditionally it was the MOH who hosted. She shouldn't be asking you or anyone else to throw her a shower, especially if you can't afford to do so. You also make a good point about people already shelling out to travel to her DW, so they probably wouldn't want to spend any more on a gift. You don't have to do it and don't let your sister pressure you into. And for the love of all that is holy, don't ask anyone else to do it either.

I do agree with Jessica though, that just because a couple lives together doesn't mean they shouldn't not have a shower. People can live together for years and still only have hand-me-downs and thrift store furniture. They can use the shower and the wedding to register for upgrades to the items they already have and get all the gadgets they could never afford on their own.

Also, just out of curiosity, regarding all these parties that have already been throw/planned, is every one of those guests invited to the DW? Because they should be.

MairePoppy

The point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts. The couple's living arrangements and quality of their possessions have nothing to do with it. So I think you are approaching this from the wrong angle.

Your sister is wrong. It is not your responsibility to make sure she gets a shower. As the MOH, your duties are to get your dress and show up on time for the wedding with a good attitude toward the couple. Hold her flowers, the rings and sign the marriage certificate, if asked. Anything beyond that is extra.

When someone decides to have a destination wedding, there are some sacrifices that go along with that. The b & g should forfeit the pre-wedding parties (including showers and bps), because they can't invite anyone to them that will not be invited to the actual wedding ceremony. Also, as you point out, there will be many extra expenses involved with traveling to the wedding. The wedding party and guests may not be able to afford to attend a shower and bp.

Your sister should keep in mind that some, not all, will regard her post wedding reception as a gift giving occasion. And she should be grateful that you and your mom are helping her out with that.

mandi921vh

MariePoppy said it best. 

NRWSBRG

I don't think you need to throw her a shower. It seems like you are making a pretty big financial/time commitment already. However, it's not stupid to have a showereven if she is living with her fiance. They could register for things other than home goods. these days people register for camping equipment, honeymoons, or anything under the sun.