too pricey?

jna0941

I am a bridesmaid in my friends wedding.  She has 20 bridesmaids in total.  We are working on a bridal shower for our bride and the MOH is asking each bridesmaid to pay $100 to contribute for the bridal shower of about 100 guests to be catered at a nice venue.  Of course I really want to give my friend a nice shower, but when she asked me to be a bridesmaid I hesitantly agreed and told her my concern about being on a tight budget.  I've already spend $200 on a bridesmaids dress, will have to spend more on shoes, hair, make-up, etc.  I understand that agreeing to be a bridesmaids comes with costs.  So I have a couple of questions.  Is $100 too much to ask 20 bridesmaids to contribute?  Also, I am worried that the expenses will continue to exceed my budget.  Should I let the bride know my concern and possibly drop out of the wedding?  I really do want to be involved and want everything to be nice and smooth for my friend. 

erinlin25

yikes!  First of all, did the bride ever ask you a budget before she picked a $200 dress?  If not, that is her bad and she should have asked you privately what your budget was and found a dress within everyones budget.  Second, you are not required to get new shoes, get your hair and make up done--if the bride requires you to, she needs to pay for it-- or at least contribute to it.; especially if it is out of your budget.  A true friend would never put someone in financial burden for one day of their lives (at least I hope not!)  Finally, just because you are a bridesmaid does not mean you are required to host a party... The MOH or whoever is hosting, should have asked if and what you can contribute and go from there.  I'm sorry you have to deal with that.  Being in a wedding should be fun, not stressfull   Try to talk to the MOH and say I would love to help but this is what I can afford to contribute and see what she says.  Maybe you can offer to do something planning/set up wise to help her out instead of a full on monetary contribution.  And PS, holy-heck 20 bridesmaids!!  That is ridiculous.  Hopefully things get better... if not, I would decline being a bridesmaid and enjoy being a guest where I didn't have to shell out all that money to look like 19 other girls standing next to me.

pengy_wi

20 bridesmaids? 100 people at a shower? The proportions sound like the makings of some over-the-top extravaganza. I'm not sure I'd want to be part of that expensive circus. I'm planning my sister's shower and still a little stressed about a guestlist of 26, a shower (at least in our family) is supposed to be an intimate gathering usually just consisting of the ladies in the wedding party and female family. Is the MOH inviting every female on the wedding guestlist? That's simply not necessary and I'm guessing with 20 girls you're not the only one feeling pinched.

AddieCake

Agree with Pengy. That is outrageous!

jna0941

Thank you ladies.  I wanted to make sure it wasn't just me thinking that $2,000 in total (20 maids X $100 each) was ridiculous.  I've mostly been to wedding showers hosted in homes, backyards or small venues. 

The footwear we have to wear are cowboy boots and since I do not own any I have to find some at a resonable price.  I will be choosing to do my own makeup and hair because I refuse to pay $60 for make up and another $50 for hair.  Crazy! 

Originally when I told the bride I was on a tight budget she was very understanding and mentioned that I could help in other ways because I am very creative and have event planning experience.  Now, I'm not sure what she is thinking, but she and her 4 MOHs are planning this ginormous bridal shower.   Apparently the bride is the one who provided the guest list of 100 people.  The actual wedding size will be upward of 600 guests. 

This all seeems over the top to me.  Any adivce how I can talk with the MOH?  I did tell her I was on a budget and she said that she was too, but she then sent us a picture of the boots she purchased ($150), so clearly her idea of a tight budget and mine are different. 

MairePoppy

I agree with pps. IF you would like to help out with the shower, tell the MOH exactly what you are willing to contribute. She should be asking you, and anyone else who is contributing,for ideas - starting with the size of the guest list. You are probably not the only one who is worried about her budget.

NYCMercedes

You can decline the shower and still be a bridesmaid. IMHO, the shower sounds like a circus. Maybe you can borrow boots to start the ceremony and then change to flats when your feet are killing you, like right after the photos.

SKPM

"She and her four MOHs are planning the shower." Yikes. If I were you, I would abandon ship and attend the wedding as a guest. In my own shoes.

MairePoppy

I just saw your follow up post. I was already stunned at the thought of 20 bms and 100 shower guests. I thought, for sure, these were the actions of a well intentioned MOH, who did not understand wedding and shower etiquette. Now, you are telling us that the bride is behind all this. That is coarse and greedy. Before she cleans you out financially, you should tell her that your budget for her wedding has been exhausted. Don't put it delicately, because she sounds clueless.

Someone should give this bride an etiquette book for a gift. I recommend 'Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.'

jna0941

I really appreciate all of your feedback.  I feel so much better that I am not the only one that thinks this is just outrageous.  I'm getting married in a year and half and have experienced enough now to think about not having any bridesmaids.  I would never want to put that burden on anyone. 

LDubHawksFan

My goodness, this sounds like a trainwreck!  I too would just back out of the WP now.  20 ppl is way to many to have in a WP, let alone on one side!  And 600 guests?  If you stay in it though, tell the MOHs that you can't afford the $2000 shower but you could help with a game or something.  Please come back and share the horror stories from this and the reception/circus!!!

QueenOfTheSea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_too-pricey?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:7e1b850b-1f41-42b0-abf9-d700d1de3c0ePost:ba7f56e5-84fd-4971-87c5-66798296d7f3">Re: too pricey?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really appreciate all of your feedback.  I feel so much better that I am not the only one that thinks this is just outrageous. <strong> I'm getting married in a year and half</strong> and have experienced enough now to think about not having any bridesmaids.  I would never want to put that burden on anyone. 
Posted by jna0941[/QUOTE]

<div>You are such a great friend for continuing in this for this long!</div><div>The bride should not expect you to buy special new shoes or jewelry, unless she is willing to buy it.  My 4 BMs can wear whatever silver or white shoes they own (because all have a pair) and I am gifting them their jewelry.  Oh, and their dresses were only $80 each!  If I were you I would back out and be blunt, because as already mentioned she seems clueless.  Say, "I can't afford everything that it costs to be a BM, so I can no longer be one.  I wouldn't miss coming as a guest for the world, though."  Then either return your dress or sell it online and put that $200 into your own wedding!  You have enough to worry about when it comes to the initial planning of YOUR wedding without having to sit around and financially struggle to be 1 of 20 in her wedding!</div><div>And I'm with everyone else--20 is ridiculous for one side!  I would definitely NOT feel "special" or "honored" or like I held a "special place in the bride's heart" if she had 20 other people there too...but that's just my opinion!</div>