"Surprise" Bridal Shower Woes (long)

fireytiger

So a month or two back, my FMIL decided that she was going to throw me a bridal shower. When my BMs were told, they both seemed oddly disappointed about it, but didn't really say anything. I am honestly glad that my FMIL decided to do this, because while I consider my BMs my friends, they aren't known for throwing parties with any sort of class, and the bridal showers i've been to that they've thrown in the past were beyond words tacky.

For example, they've decided before to throw potluck showers because they don't want to spend the money on food, and they make bringing a food dish a sort of "admittance fee", if you don't bring food you get turned away at the door. Also, they were really rude on the invites, saying stuff like "If you aren't going to show up, don't waste our time and money by RSVPing yes and then not coming. Also, make sure you remember to bring presents to the shower." RIGHT ON THE PRINTED INVITES! There were several other really awkward and tacky beyond words things they did as well. I've never had much experience with bridal showers outside of the ones they've thrown, but I'm pretty sure that's not the way it's supposed to be.

Well, FI decided today that he was going to tell me that the two BMs came to him recently, and asked him to give them a list of names of my female friends at work (we all work at the same place, in a giant call center with hundreds of people), because they were going to throw me a "surprise" shower. Now, ignoring the fact that FI wasn't supposed to tell me that lol, there's a couple problems. For one thing, the tackiness of the previous bridal showers they've thrown leads me to believe that they would throw this party in the same manner, and I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. The other problem is, with the exception of the two BMs, and one or two other people, I did not invite anybody else from work to the wedding due to financial constraints. So to invite these people to a bridal shower when they're not invited to our wedding, I feel, is poor etiquette, it'll be seen as fishing for gifts, and makes me really uncomfortable. Only problem is, I'm not supposed to KNOW about the party, so I can't tell them any of this!

What am I supposed to do here? I'd really rather just have the bridal shower that FMIL throws, I know I can't tell someone they aren't allowed to host a shower for me, but I don't want people to think i'm fishing for gifts either! Help me please!

MairePoppy

You absolutely can decline a shower. Just be polite. Tell the bms that you appreciate their thoughtfulness, but the one shower you are having is plenty. Don't worry about them knowing that your fi told you.
I've read your other posts about these 'freinds' and I don't blame you for not trusting them to plan a shower that won't offend the guests.

hlq2011

Ditto PP.  Your concerns are reasonable and valid.  I would politely decline. 

fireytiger

Well, those of you who have read my previous posts about these two (Yes, it is indeed THOSE two BMs lol), you know that they are chock full o' drama. I don't want to sell FI up the river by exposing the fact that he told me. And in the interest of avoiding more drama in the next 4 months, I'd really like to NOT start another fight by saying "Hey, I really would rather if y'all didn't throw me a shower cuz FMIL is already doing it". They'll have a fit, especially the one who's obnoxious and started the last big dramafest, because "she doesn't like FMIL."

Also, as a side note to those who know what's going on, considering all the crap that's been going on, i'm still angry at the one who started that dramafest, and still strongly considering ending the friendship. The other one i've forgiven because she didn't really participate in the fiasco, and we talked things through so we've come to an understanding about things.

MairePoppy

What you are dealing with are a couple of bullies. Why is everyone at work letting these two run the show? At some point, you are going to have to stand up to them.

But since you are not ready, fi is your only hope. He could encourage them to provide cake and punch in your break room at work and have everyone chip in on one gift. The invitation could be open to everyone in your department or area. That's how it's done in many workplaces. And the work shower is an exception to the rule that all those guests must be invited to the wedding.

LoveMuffins

Maybe since they went through FI, have him go back to them and tell them that you don't seem up for more wedding events, and that he looked at the guest list and realized that you guys aren't inviting many people from work and so he doesn't have a list to give them. Hopefully they'll get the hint. 

fireytiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_surprise-bridal-shower-woes-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:91cc5ed1-943f-4007-a1e2-fee647e86743Post:0acc519f-910a-4b99-b544-0fade44c9848">Re: "Surprise" Bridal Shower Woes (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]What you are dealing with are a couple of bullies. Why is everyone at work letting these two run the show? At some point, you are going to have to stand up to them. But since you are not ready, fi is your only hope. He could encourage them to provide cake and punch in your break room at work and have everyone chip in on one gift. The invitation could be open to everyone in your department or area. That's how it's done in many workplaces. And the work shower is an exception to the rule that all those guests must be invited to the wedding.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]


The only thing is, our workplace is actually a call center that has HUNDREDS of employees, at least 200-300 people there working at any given time. And other than FI's small department that's like got 20 people that are separated by nothing but a small cubicle wall, everyone else is considered in the same "department", all on the main call center floor. So it's not technically a "work shower", because there's no possible way they'll provide enough for a couple hundred people, and there's no way that all those people are gonna pitch in on gifts for me, and i'm not even sure HR will allow it lol. The BMs will probably just invite the people they want there, and probably some other friends of theirs. And it won't fail, someone won't get an invite and cause drama, so it's really better to just skip it altogether. I'll tell FI to mention it to them but we'll see if they get a clue. Considering everything else that's gone on, I doubt it lol.

kristenrmu22

<div>Since a work party doesn't seem to work in your situation I agree with this poster. Good luck.</div>
[QUOTE]Maybe since they went through FI, have him go back to them and tell them that you don't seem up for more wedding events, and that he looked at the guest list and realized that you guys aren't inviting many people from work and so he doesn't have a list to give them. Hopefully they'll get the hint. 
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]