Pre-wedding Parties

How to not attend the whole bachelorette party and not come off as a bad friend?

I am a bridesmaid in a late June 2013 wedding (and am very excited!)  The other bridesmaids are already planning the bachelorette party for mid-next year; it is about a 2 hour drive from where we all live, and they want to book rooms already since hotels are filling up quickly.  It’s looking like the cheapest hotel is nearly 300$/night, and at this point in my life, I’m not really keen on packing 4 to a room and sharing a double bed.  I will also be out of town the weekend prior, taking the Friday off work for a yearly trip I plan with a different group of friends. 

 

I feel like an awful friend and bridesmaid not committing to this at this point, but it’s difficult for me to commit to something this far out without knowing if work will be crazy (and being out of town the weekend before).  Frankly, I also don’t feel like spending $500+ that weekend between hotel, meals, wine tastings, limo, spa day, etc. when I'll be spending nearly $2k on plane tix for FI and I the next month for the wedding, and probably travelling for the bridal shower.

 

I realize that I should have expected all of this when I accepted being a bridesmaid, and I can certainly afford the financial piece of it (being able to afford it and wanting to spend it are two different things), I just wish I’d had input into what this bachelorette party was going to be (because I would have suggested doing something in town, rather than an entire weekend).  I am thinking of telling them that I still can’t commit to something 6 months out because of my schedule, but that I will plan to at least come up early on Saturday and spend the night, though not sure I can spend the entire day on Sunday as well.  Does this come off as difficult/cheap?  I know the advice I’d give someone else would be that they should have been consulted in the planning etc. and shouldn’t do what they can’t afford, but I can’t really use the “I can’t afford it” excuse, and I really want to be there for my friend.

Re: How to not attend the whole bachelorette party and not come off as a bad friend?

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    Your own advice applies to you. I can't imagine spending 500 of my own dollars, plus a whole weekend, on something that I didn't have a say in. You're not being cheap. If you don't want to go, tell them you are unable to attend, so that they can plan on the number of rooms they will need.You could say it's not in your budget, not quite the same as saying you don't have the money. Tell the bride that you'd love to take her out to dinner so she can tell you all about the party.
                       
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    You do not sound difficult or cheap to me!  I wouldn't spend that kind of money for a bachelorette party, either. Just be honest with your friend that you don't know if you can take the time off and that you don't think it will fit into your budget. Being a bridesmaid does not mean you are obligated to go overboard with all the "extras" associated with a wedding. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Just be honest, that with out potential out of state bridal shower, out of the country wedding plus your own vacation booked already that you aren't able to commit to the whole bachlorette weekend. Let them know what you are able to commit to, if anything at this time. If you can't commit to anything at this time, just tell them that.

    Who knows, this plan may be more then a lot of the invited people want to commit either time wise or financially to and they may end up changing their plans on what they do.
  • Thanks all-I've decided to just tell them I can't make it due to other travel plans, and not being able to be out of town two weekends in a row with work.  I'll see if I can take the bride to dinner or something when she is in town (or when I'm in her city).  I actually talked to another friend who attended a birthday dinner for the bride a year or so ago with (we think) the same group of friends, and apparently these women ordered a ton of stuff, and all agreed that the bride shouldn;t have to pay for her own dinner (it was a birthday dinner, so they were going to split her share), and when it came time to pay, they all said "oh I can't afford this" and left my friend and another to cover the majority of the bill.  This makes me even more wary of committing to an expensive weekend with a group of women I don't know very well....

    Thanks again for the advice (and encouragement to take my own!)
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Yikes! That's awful. I wouldn't trust them to pay their own way for a weekend, either.
                       
  • I personally think it's extremely selfish to plan uber-expensive bachelorette parties and expect everyone to attend. And maybe it's only me, but I also think unless all of your BMs are close friends (which in my experience is never the case), it's also selfish to expect people to give up an entire weekend for it. 

    You're planning on going for one day? I think that's totally fine. 
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