Pre-wedding Parties

Are Destination Bachelorettes Rude

My fiance's best man is planning a trip to Costa Rica for the groomsmen. I didn't think of having something so elaborate for my bachelorette, but now I'm considering it. I don't want to just go out drinking in the city with my friends, I feel like that isn't special and I can do it any day of the week. I wanted to do a trip to a spa. Now that my fiance is going to far away, I thought it would be cool to go out west to a hot springs spa and do a whole weekend filled with massages, facials and lots of champagne and girl-talk. Is it too much to ask people to spend so much money? I mean, on one hand, I feel like they are def optional, so if someone doesn't have the money, they don't have to come. But, I also feel like everyone is doing this lately. I've had three friends this year do a Vegas weekend for different bachelorette parties (we are all from NY). 
What are people's feelings about destination bachelorettes. 
Also, I don't need advice on who throws the party. I am just giving maids of honor ideas. 

Re: Are Destination Bachelorettes Rude

  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    IMO, it's ridiculous to ask people to drop that kind of money on a b-party.  But then again, in my circle, we don't have showers that run 5K.

    I would decline to attend such a b-party, as would nearly everyone that I know.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    It depends on your circle. If you all have money to spend and what not then I don't think it would be an issue, but if you have some close friends that do not have a lot of money to spend on a vacation, then I say skip it and do the spa thing in town. 

    Maybe you should talk to your MOH, since she asked you for ideas. She may think that she could pull it off, and she may think that it's too much. I'm guessing that, since your FI's best man is planning on costa rica (awesome BTW, I went there on exchange) that your circle has some expendable cash. If this is the case, I say go for it, how fun!

    I wish I could afford this sort of thing, but sadly since I am a college student, as are most of my BM's, I don't think we could do it. Bummer!
  • edited December 2011
    If those that would attend could afford it, then sure, why not? I sure wouldn't be able to afford it.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    It depends on the group.

    But it also depends on the hosts.  It sounds like your FI's GM are planning this and not your FI.  If you were to get involved it would be inappropriate.

    FWIW, I'm not a huge fan most of the time.  BIL and SIL's was an OOT one that worked out well (and was joint so DH and I were able to split expenses) but in many cases, if it was an OOT event, I just wouldn't go although I'd happily join people for dinner and drinks.
  • edited December 2011
    I have a close circle of six friends. Once a year for the past three years, one of us has gotten married. We have two celebrations. One is a local party where the more the merrier is the rule and costs are kept quite reasonable. Then the six of us take a long weekend away for a smaller celebration.
  • SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think they are, especially to your bridal party if the feel obligated to come. I can't afford a vacation like what you are proposing, much less doing all that for a b-party. There are a million special things you can do in New York without making your friends pay lots of money.
     
    I think its up to you whether its more important to spend your b-party with your friends, even the lower income ones, or have an expensive weekend with only a few.

    In any case, this decision should be up to whoever is hosting the b-party, which should not be you.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    It would be out of place for you to either plan or suggest to others to plan such a party for you.  Unless the hostess says "tell us what you want to do, cost is no object!" then you can't ask for this.

    FWIW, I had an OOT bach party.  About three months before the wedding my BMs sent me an email saying "We have decided to take you on an OOT trip for your bach party.  Tell us what weekend you're available [I live on the other side of the country from them and the wedding] and who else you want to invite.  We will tell you what to pack.  More instructions to follow."  I had no idea where we were going until they picked me up.  They took the initiative, they offered, this was all them.  I never suggested it, or asked for it.  And it would have been totally out of line for me to do so.

    So if people want to throw you that kind of party, or can, they will.  But I know I never, EVER would have asked my BMs to do that, and if my bach party had been a pizza and beer sleepover, it would have been just as fun.
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  • edited December 2011
    What kind of stages are there to manage in Arkansas? You must have a big community theatre. 
  • SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_destination-bachelorettes-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:9f70a04b-90fe-4901-bedb-9ac25503bf53Post:a7fb4062-045e-4604-9881-6b447f45c79a">Re: Are Destination Bachelorettes Rude</a>:
    [QUOTE]What kind of stages are there to manage in Arkansas? You must have a big community theatre. 
    Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

    There you go with your elitist crap again.

    Big expensive bparties may not be the definition of rude, but they certainly are elitist, as it gives your friends the impression that they have to have a lot of money for the pleasure of your company. Maybe you feel that way, though. To each his own.
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_destination-bachelorettes-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:9f70a04b-90fe-4901-bedb-9ac25503bf53Post:a7fb4062-045e-4604-9881-6b447f45c79a">Re: Are Destination Bachelorettes Rude</a>:
    [QUOTE]What kind of stages are there to manage in Arkansas? You must have a big community theatre. 
    Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

    Really?  This isn't helping your reputation.

    EDIT:  And yes, I think destination bachelorette parties are rude.  That's a lot of money to ask of people.  But, from what I hear, you're cool with asking all kinds of people for all kinds of money.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_destination-bachelorettes-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:9f70a04b-90fe-4901-bedb-9ac25503bf53Post:a7fb4062-045e-4604-9881-6b447f45c79a">Re: Are Destination Bachelorettes Rude</a>:
    [QUOTE]What kind of stages are there to manage in Arkansas? You must have a big community theatre. 
    Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

    You're really a peach, aren't you?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_destination-bachelorettes-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:9f70a04b-90fe-4901-bedb-9ac25503bf53Post:a7fb4062-045e-4604-9881-6b447f45c79a">Re: Are Destination Bachelorettes Rude</a>:
    [QUOTE]What kind of stages are there to manage in Arkansas? You must have a big community theatre. 
    Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]
    Very rude, Lisa. There is actually a world beyond New York.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_destination-bachelorettes-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:9f70a04b-90fe-4901-bedb-9ac25503bf53Post:a7fb4062-045e-4604-9881-6b447f45c79a">Re: Are Destination Bachelorettes Rude</a>:
    [QUOTE]What kind of stages are there to manage in Arkansas? You must have a big community theatre. 
    Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

    People are trying to GIVE THEIR OPINIONS THAT <u><em><strong>YOU ASKED FOR</strong></em></u>. There is NO REASON for you to be a snotty brat. Seriously, I don't know why we even BOTHER trying to help you.

    <u><strong>IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE RESPONSES YOU ARE GIVEN... DON'T ASK!</strong></u>
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  • edited December 2011
    I certainly think they are rude if you are the one requesting such a lavish event. If your friends have planned this for you out of the kindness of their hearts that's one thing- but if you just don't want to be shown up by your man and his crew then it sounds like this b party is an ego thing rather than a trip to enjoy with your closest girl friends and celebrate the last few nights of single life. Just my opinion- but what do I know...I live in Alabama?!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_destination-bachelorettes-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:9f70a04b-90fe-4901-bedb-9ac25503bf53Post:30aefbe5-df23-46a2-860a-2fc878617c01">Are Destination Bachelorettes Rude</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance's best man is planning a trip to Costa Rica for the groomsmen. I didn't think of having something so elaborate for my bachelorette, but now I'm considering it.[/QUOTE]

    It's not your place to consider anything. A bachelorette party - local or long-distance - is a gift to you from your MOH/bridesmaids/whomever chooses to throw you one. Your only responsibility/duty in terms of a bachelorette party is to graciously thank your hostess once they inform you of what they have planned for you.

    [QUOTE]I don't want to just go out drinking in the city with my friends, I feel like that isn't special and I can do it any day of the week.[/QUOTE]

    It's special when your friends treat you to a night out to celebrate your impending marriage, whether it's at a swank NYC club or Chuck-E-Cheese.
     
    [QUOTE]I wanted to do a trip to a spa. Now that my fiance is going to far away, I thought it would be cool to go out west to a hot springs spa and do a whole weekend filled with massages, facials and lots of champagne and girl-talk.[/QUOTE]

    So, your day at the spa with facials and massages and champagne and girl-talk will be less-special if it's at a beautiful local spa? And just because your FI is getting a destination party, you need one too?

    [QUOTE]Is it too much to ask people to spend so much money? I mean, on one hand, I feel like they are def optional, so if someone doesn't have the money, they don't have to come. But, I also feel like everyone is doing this lately. I've had three friends this year do a Vegas weekend for different bachelorette parties (we are all from NY).[/QUOTE]

    IMO, it is kinda presumptious to ask people to spend that kind of money, especially in this economy. They are already assuming the financial obligation of attending your wedding. However, if the bach party hostess decides to do this as your bachelorette party, then people have the option to attend or decline based on their financial situation.

    [QUOTE]What are people's feelings about destination bachelorettes.[/QUOTE] 

    Personally, I think they're a bit presumptious. If I was ever invited to one, I would have to respectfully decline, simply because I'm a graduate student on a budget and likely could not afford the trip, and (on the flip side) would not feel comfortable with someone paying for my arrangements.  But to each his own, I guess.

    [QUOTE]Also, I don't need advice on who throws the party. I am just giving maids of honor ideas. 
    Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

    Obviously, you do. It's not your job to give your MOH ideas/guest lists/etc. unless she specifically asks for them. Then again, this post is coming from the same person who gave us this little gem:

    <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-guest-etiquette">http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-guest-etiquette</a>

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  • edited December 2011
    I don't think it's rude, I think it could be inconsiderate though. If your bridal party cannot afford to go, or if only 1 or 2 people can go, maybe you should have a fun day closer to home. It should be a time for your girls to be able to celebrate with you & there would be a lot of hurt feelings if not everyone could go. I've got friends in college & with kids, there's no way I could ask that of them.
  • edited December 2011
    I wouldn't bring it up. If your BMs come up with the idea, great.

    I might do a b-party in Vegas, but we live 4 hours away. I didn't want to mention it, but when I went to Vegas a few months ago, one of my BMs "suddenly" came up with the idea, and I definitely encouraged it. However, one of my BMs might not be able to get time off work and it would end up being a smaller group.
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  • edited December 2011
    I would suggest talking to your friends about it.  If they're ok with it, then I don't see the problem.  But you don't want anyone to feel left out simply because they can't afford it
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  • edited December 2011
    Sometimes, I think destination bachelorette parties make sense.  For me personally, I grew up in Indiana, moved my senior year of high school to South Carolina, went to college in yet another state, Georgia, and now live /work in Texas.  My best friends are thus scattered all over the place.  My bridesmaids have suggested a destination bachelorette party for me that is in the middle (or as close as we can get in a fun city) of all of these states so that my friends who would like to come from these different places would have an easier time helping me celebrate.  I do not expect everyone to be able to come, but I think its a nice thought on my bridesmaid part to try to make it accessible for all my friends.  By the way, my maid of honor(s) live in SC, one bridesmaid is in Georgia, and 2 are in Texas.  I think it just depends on what works for your friends.  Honestly, I think you would have a great time wherever you girls decide to have it, but I would let your bridal party take the lead.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_destination-bachelorettes-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:9f70a04b-90fe-4901-bedb-9ac25503bf53Post:4a25c7b2-5c8f-4eb5-96c3-619c6c4285a1">Re: Are Destination Bachelorettes Rude</a>:
    [QUOTE]First of all, YOU shouldn't be considering anything about what your B-party plans are.  The party is a gift to you, IF someone chooses to throw you one.  You don't get to plan it....<div>
    </div><div>So, if SOMEONE ELSE wants to plan a trip for your bach party, then I think that's okay and not particularly rude.  
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>I don't appreciate being spoken to like a child. If YOU don't consider your tone rude, then we are at an impasse I guess. I never asked if I get to plan my party. I know I don't plan it, but I will give suggestions if they are asked of me. </div><div>Hasn't anyone been taught that giving unsolicited advice is rude?  </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Lisa, you're ASKING for advice in this post.
  • WhatawagSBNyWhatawagSBNy member
    Sixth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited December 2011
    As long as you are picking up all of the costs  for the airfare and the spa and doing the work of all the planning - except once while there they may chip in and buy you a dinner or drinks -  then it is a wonderful idea.

    If you are making a suggestion that anyone else plan this for you,  or pay even their own expenses  for such an expensive thing, than my answer has to be, it is exceptionally rude,  and no one I know would go to such a thing.

    If a group want to plan a group vacation, not in any way a bachelorette party, it is different.  But to even suggest it at wedding time, ?

      I did want a cottage in the mountains weekend with my friends before my wedding.  Yes I paid, the cottage, groceries, and one night of party food (lobster dinner.

    Not well off,  I worked extra shifts to afford it.  I just would never propose anything like that unless I were the hostess..
  • WhatawagSBNyWhatawagSBNy member
    Sixth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_destination-bachelorettes-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:9f70a04b-90fe-4901-bedb-9ac25503bf53Post:30aefbe5-df23-46a2-860a-2fc878617c01">Are Destination Bachelorettes Rude</a>:
    [QUOTE]    ...What are people's feelings about destination bachelorettes.  Also, I don't need advice on who throws the party. <strong>I am just giving maids of honor ideas. </strong>
    Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

         If I said to a bride, we - bridesmaids and a few school friends - would like to give you a piece of jewelry to wear for the wedding, to think of us, I might expect her to suggest a $20 pair of earrings, or a small cameo or locket.

       I would never expect her to suggest a solid gold cuff bracelet with 4   1 carat diamonds and 5   1 carat sapphires.

        Your " suggestion"  is like a diamond and sapphire piece.  Anyone hearing it would have to think,  what a lot of gall.
  • LoveBugBabyLoveBugBaby member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't think it's rude at all. If people can't afford it or decline, your MOH will have to come up with a more affordable option! My MOH was going to plan my Bach.Party in VA Beach, but a couple bridesmaids with kids/limited funds voiced that they wouldn't be able to go.  She scratched the idea and came up with something more affordable and within driving distance.  Luckily another bridesmaids parents have a huge beach house for us to use for free on the Eastern shore.  So while it's still about 3 hours away, it's way more affordable for a weekend get-a-way, and people have the option to come for both nights, or just one.  If people decline at this point then my feelings won't be hurt, the trip is almost free (besides the food/drinks). I know I and some of my girls are super excited to have a weekend away!

    I also don't see anything wrong with playing a part in where or what you'd like to do!  I wouldn't ever want to fully plan my party, but my MOH has asked for suggestions or things I'd like to do.  That's the only part I have and will play in mine.  She has already started to come up with more stuff but told me it's a surprise and that I'll love it.  I appreciate her asking for my input because I'm not a party girl and don't care to do the limo/bar hopping type bachelorette party.
  • edited December 2011
    My girlfriends and I go on a girls' trip every year. Last year and this year we are using the trips as bachelorette parties since people in the group have been getting married. However, even if we did not go on these trips every year, I don't think an out of town bachelorette party is rude or too expensive.  It depends on your group. We usually start an email chain amoung the bridesmaids after getting a list of places the bride might like to go and then discuss everyone's budget.  We compare hotel and airfare to the different locations and make a group decision. Now, if ANY of the bridesmaids cannot afford to go then I would suggest that you not go. Our group loves these trips, we all have a good time and we make it fit a variety of budgets. Especially since we as the BMs will be picking up at least part of the brides tab. This trip is also only for the BMs and not friends because it would involve too many people and make things difficult and also may make people feel left out. An option is to go away with just your bridal party and then maybe have a night out in the city with a larger group of girls if you want time with other friends as well.
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