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Bachelerotte party and bridal shower - hmmmm

OK, so I am combining two different posts into one, so here goes.

1.)    My MOH is becoming a very big flake and annoying the crap out of me in general, not just for the bachelorette party. She is a no show to most get to gethers I have arranged and just becoming a big PITA for me. I have seriously considered replacing her but at 45 days out I don’t want the drama. However, she is insisting that she is hosting a bachelorette party for me and that we will have so much fun. I am really worried about her idea of fun (for many reasons) and I have tried to tell her that a few of her ideas are not what I consider fun. She goes on and on about how she wants to go to such and such bar and she wants to get me a male stripper and on and on and on. No, she is not joking, that is HER idea of fun. I have asked, begged, and pleaded that she not get me a stripper (male or female) and she calls me a poor sport. I tell her I cannot drink and do not want to drink even if I could so I am not sure if a bar would be an appropriate venue for my bachelorette party.  I also know somewhat how her finances are and honestly I am not sure she can afford to host a bachelorette party. She keeps telling me not to worry about it and it will be ok but I cannot afford to throw that party and I don’t want to be left with that bill. What do I do to make her realize I am not ok or comfortable with some of the things she wants to do? How to I tactfully ask her if she really can afford it? I can go without the bachelorette party; I would be just as happy with pizza and movies at my house.

 

2.)    I have a BM who has stated she wants to host my bridal shower and I would love to have one. But she has not made any plans for this shower (and she would at least need to come to me for a guest list of sorts). How do I ask her if she really is planning on holding a bridal shower? I have been asked by a few other ppl about it and I am not sure what to say.

 

M

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Re: Bachelerotte party and bridal shower - hmmmm

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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelerotte-party-bridal-shower-hmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:a7cba6d4-0b53-41de-bcf4-b29538ac2479Post:34e28cff-cd15-49db-93f1-7c9a26d3e18a">Bachelerotte party and bridal shower - hmmmm</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK, so I am combining two different posts into one, so here goes. 1.)     My MOH is becoming a very big flake and annoying the crap out of me in general, not just for the bachelorette party. She is a no show to most get to gethers I have arranged and just becoming a big PITA for me. I have seriously considered replacing her but at 45 days out I don’t want the drama. However, she is insisting that she is hosting a bachelorette party for me and that we will have so much fun. I am really worried about her idea of fun (for many reasons) and I have tried to tell her that a few of her ideas are not what I consider fun. She goes on and on about how she wants to go to such and such bar and she wants to get me a male stripper and on and on and on. No, she is not joking, that is HER idea of fun. I have asked, begged, and pleaded that she not get me a stripper (male or female) and she calls me a poor sport. I tell her I cannot drink and do not want to drink even if I could so I am not sure if a bar would be an appropriate venue for my bachelorette party.   I also know somewhat how her finances are and honestly I am not sure she can afford to host a bachelorette party. She keeps telling me not to worry about it and it will be ok but I cannot afford to throw that party and I don’t want to be left with that bill. What do I do to make her realize I am not ok or comfortable with some of the things she wants to do? How to I tactfully ask her if she really can afford it? I can go without the bachelorette party; I would be just as happy with pizza and movies at my house.   2.)     I have a BM who has stated she wants to host my bridal shower and I would love to have one. But she has not made any plans for this shower (and she would at least need to come to me for a guest list of sorts). How do I ask her if she really is planning on holding a bridal shower? I have been asked by a few other ppl about it and I am not sure what to say.   M
    Posted by drkswifey2b[/QUOTE]

    0) What are all these get-togethers you are having?  If I were in a wedding and the bride had a billion get-togethers I wouldn't go either because there's no reason for it and it's annoying.  That's not a reason to replace somebody.  There are very, very few reasons to kick somebody out of your wedding and zero reasons to replace somebody.

    1) You can't ask her anything about her finances (which are none of your business) and you can't demand that she throw the type of party you want.  Your choice is to either accept or decline the party she is planning for you.  If you are that uncomfortable, I suggest you decline.

    2) Don't ask her if she is really planning you a shower.  Tell guests who ask that you aren't involved in the shower planning so you don't know the answer.  You can put them in contact with the BM who said she would host it and tell them that she offered to host one and they can ask her for the details.
    Married 10/2/10
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    edited December 2011
    lol your MOH sounds just like mine!! lol im so much more low key than gettting plastered while having a plastic dildo waved in my face or some fruit tart in an american flag thong. if you dont want to have her in your wedding or planning your events you can replace her or designate party planning duties to someone else. as for the other girl asking to plan your shower i would ask if shes going to do it or not and say it tactfully, oh i was just wondering if you were going to do this, cause if not so and so offered to..
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelerotte-party-bridal-shower-hmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:a7cba6d4-0b53-41de-bcf4-b29538ac2479Post:224a4587-37fd-404d-bf4f-e3688073eb4a">Re: Bachelerotte party and bridal shower - hmmmm</a>:
    [QUOTE]lol your MOH sounds just like mine!! lol im so much more low key than gettting plastered while having a plastic dildo waved in my face or some fruit tart in an american flag thong. <strong><em>if you dont want to have her in your wedding or planning your events you can replace </em></strong>her or designate party planning duties to someone else. <strong><em>as for the other girl asking to plan your shower i would ask if shes going to do it or not and say it tactfully,</em></strong> oh i was just wondering if you were going to do this, cause if not so and so offered to..
    Posted by ohyouhavemyheart[/QUOTE]

    this is so so so so BAD. OP do not do this. you will forever ruin the relationship you have now with your MOH if you demote her.

    My best friend of 16 years asked me to be her MOH along with her cousin and then demoted me to BM (which I was fine with) then kicked me out of her wedding completely. We stopped talking after that for a good 6 months then started to rekindle our friendship. She has since asked me to be a BM again and I stupidly said yes but our relationship is forever ruined. I cannot bring myself to even call her to just shoot the shiit anymore. Its too awkward for me and I dont feel like we will ever get back to where we were.
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelerotte-party-bridal-shower-hmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:a7cba6d4-0b53-41de-bcf4-b29538ac2479Post:487e1ec6-1197-4158-858c-c23bbbc001fe">Re: Bachelerotte party and bridal shower - hmmmm</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelerotte party and bridal shower - hmmmm : this is so so so so BAD. OP do not do this. you will forever ruin the relationship you have now with your MOH if you demote her. My best friend of 16 years asked me to be her MOH along with her cousin and then demoted me to BM (which I was fine with) then kicked me out of her wedding completely. We stopped talking after that for a good 6 months then started to rekindle our friendship. She has since asked me to be a BM again and I stupidly said yes but our relationship is forever ruined. I cannot bring myself to even call her to just shoot the shiit anymore. Its too awkward for me and I dont feel like we will ever get back to where we were.
    Posted by RosenB[/QUOTE]

    DITTO THIS. Listen to Rosen B.

    Normally, the bride really shouldn't be involved in the planning of any pre-wedding party. However, when it comes to the b-party and they want to go out to bars and strippers, I think that's an exception where you can ASK her to not involve that. You've tried mentioning this to her, so your next step is to decline the b-party she's planning for you if you don't want that kind of party.
    Sidenote - is there any chance she's just pulling your leg about the bar and stripper? For my friends wedding, all of us BMs have made teasing remarks about a stripper and bars, but we've also let her know that we're not serious about any of that. It isn't her style.

    Just wait and see if the BM throws you a shower. Is anyone else throwing you a shower? You really can't ask for a shower, but if you have other friends who would also like to throw a shower, why not have them talk to the BM and see if she needs help? You still have time for a shower before your wedding, and it isn't your responsibility so don't focus on it :)
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    loop0406loop0406 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    If your wedding really is 09/19/10 then wow, your shower and bachelorette party should be happening soon....

    If your bridesmaid mentions the shower again, simply tell her others have asked on when that will take place and ask if she'd like the guest list from you already. You shouldn't ask her point blank if she's still planning on hosting it because she might have changed her mind and you can't force her to host it...


    As for the MOH, you shouldn't bring up her finances. Is there anyone else in the bridal party that you're close to that you can mention your stripper concerns with or is MOH the only person who is hosting the b-party ? 

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    drkswifey2bdrkswifey2b member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My MOH and I are having many other problems that I di not mention here. Let's just say her lifestyle really does fall ino the bar and stripper party category. She has done a complete 180 since I asked her to be my MOH. We use to talk EVERYDAY and see each other many times a week. It was just natural to ask her to be my MOH.

    Also the get togethers we have had were when I picked out my weding dress, when we all got together to pick out the BM dresses, and when we went to some cake tasting (her idea btw to get together for that).

    I am not the kind of persn who seeks out a party or things like that. I would just like my old friend back. I am afraid that by asking her to be my MOH it somehow changed our frendship.

    M
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelerotte-party-bridal-shower-hmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:a7cba6d4-0b53-41de-bcf4-b29538ac2479Post:f3e79330-6444-4ec5-8f72-095bc3f55d11">Re: Bachelerotte party and bridal shower - hmmmm</a>:
    [QUOTE]My MOH and I are having many other problems that I di not mention here. Let's just say her lifestyle really does fall ino the bar and stripper party category. She has done a complete 180 since I asked her to be my MOH. We use to talk EVERYDAY and see each other many times a week. It was just natural to ask her to be my MOH.
    <strong>Can I ask how soon before your wedding you asked her to be your MOH? And how old she is? It is unfortunate when people start to change and their lives start heading in opposite directions, but that's a part of life. </strong> 

    Also the get togethers we have had were when I picked out my weding dress, when we all got together to pick out the BM dresses, and when we went to some cake tasting (her idea btw to get together for that).
    <strong>She doesn't have to go with you to pick out any dress. I'm sure you value her input on your dress and the BM dresses, and it would be nice for her to look at BM dresses (since she will be wearing one)- but she by no means has to participate in any of that. Some people don't enjoy that (myself included). Same with the cake tasting. It may have been her idea, but really that's for your FI and you to decide. Things come up, maybe she realized she wasn't that interested in the cake anymore or she was just busy. Or maybe she didn't want to get overly involved in that aspect of wedding planning. It's too bad that she suggested it and then changed her mind, but she really doesn't need to be involved in it.</strong>

    I am not the kind of persn who seeks out a party or things like that. I would just like my old friend back. I am afraid that by asking her to be my MOH it somehow changed our frendship. M
    <strong>I doubt that you asking her to be MOH changed your friendship. Friendships just change naturally. People change naturally. This sounds like this may be more of a friend issue than a wedding issue. Why don't you schedule some time to just hang out and do non-wedding related things? It could really bring you closer together again.</strong>

    Posted by drkswifey2b[/QUOTE]


    Also, I want to second loop's advice on asking another bridesmaid to be involved in the b-party to voice your concerns for you.
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    drkswifey2bdrkswifey2b member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Can I ask how soon before your wedding you asked her to be your MOH? And how old she is? It is unfortunate when people start to change and their lives start heading in opposite directions, but that's a part of life.  

    I got engaged in December and asked her in March to be my MOH, the rest of the BM were within a few days after that. She is 27 married with thee kids but acting like se is 18 with no children now. =(

    I understand that things happen in peoples lives and people head in different directions. I guess that is the problem, she is heading into a direction I do not want to go in. I do not agree with cheating on your husband, introducing you children to strangers so you can get laid, I don't agree with partying and boozing it up andignoring medial advice (she was on medicaion she was not suppose to drink with or have prolonged sun exposure. Well she ended up in te hospital after a bad reaction because he was out in the sun and drinking. She got mad at me for not being so sympathetic).  I am just wondering if I want to look back at my wedding pictures in 10 years and see someone I am not sure I will still be friends with.

    She doesn't have to go with you to pick out any dress. I'm sure you value her input on your dress and the BM dresses, and it would be nice for her to look at BM dresses (since she will be wearing one)- but she by no means has to participate in any of that. Some people don't enjoy that (myself included). Same with the cake tasting. It may have been her idea, but really that's for your FI and you to decide. Things come up, maybe she realized she wasn't that interested in the cake anymore or she was just busy. Or maybe she didn't want to get overly involved in that aspect of wedding planning. It's too bad that she suggested it and then changed her mind, but she really doesn't need to be involved in it.
    Again, I understand this and I am ok with it. However, the one time I did not invite her to something (another one of my BM and I went ot for breakfast and another one happened to be at the same place so we all sat together) she cried about how she was left out and she was so upset about it. But I give her weeks of advance notice of something and she tells me she will be there and then she is a no show with a lame excuse. IMO if she didn't want togo then fine sh didn't have to go but just say so. Also the cake tasting was her idea. I knew I had to go and I was more then ok going alone but she wanted to go and said I should bring all the girls with me. Once again after waiting for her (and she said she was on her way) she was a no show.


    I doubt that you asking her to be MOH changed your friendship. Friendships just change naturally. People change naturally. This sounds like this may be more of a friend issue than a wedding issue. Why don't you schedule some time to just hang out and do non-wedding related things? It could really bring you closer together again.
    We did this, a few weeks ago. We went to a VIP prescreen of Twilight Eclipse and watched all of the movies (it was like a 10 hour event).  We had a blast and the no talking again after. =(  I don't think  realized how upset I was with her and her life choice (and yes they are her life choices not mine) untill she ended up in the hospital with a poor me attitude (and all the drama that went along with it).

    I am not stressing over it and I am not getting too emotional over it. There is too much going on for that. I am not worried about my wedding but I am worried about my friend and y friendship with her.

    M
    PS: Calling her now to schedule some one on one girl time.
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    hyperpolyglothyperpolyglot member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would be upset if she were a no-show, and you expected her. If she had given you notice and a good reason, fine. But flaking out is really disrespectful. Unfortunately for you, I must say, so is kicking her out of the wedding. The solution? Put her in a position where she won't do a whole lot of damage. 

    As for the bachelorette party, but kind when you tell her how touched that she is offering to throw you a party, and be assertive and convincing when you tell her that you want something more low-key. 

    Have you and your FI discussed strippers? If so, tell your friend that you and your FI discussed strippers and that both of you find them unacceptable, that it is a decision that the both of you made together. Follow it up with something to the effect of how she understands how that would cause a problem between you and your FI (which she def shouldn't want if she's a good enough friend for you to have asked her to be your MOH).
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    michelle7102michelle7102 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Not sure what to suggest about the Bachelorette party... I guess you just have to go with whatever she plans and hopes she takes your thoughts into consideration.

    As far as the Bridal Shower I think it is best to ask your mom or an adult you are close with to arrange this party instead of your bridesmaids.  From what I have seen... these parties seem to be mainly attended by the bride's relatives and future relatives and involve some cake, punch and making a toilet paper wedding dress or hat. 
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