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Rehearsal Dinner Debate

CS4232011CS4232011 member
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in Pre-wedding Parties

My bridesmaid just recently got engaged (YAY!), her and I were talking and she asked me what I thought about an issue--and I wasn't really sure how to respond or what the "right" or "proper" answer was. 

This is my friend's first wedding, Fiance's 2nd wedding.  Her family mostly lives in South America, so her guest list will be *much* smaller than his, and this is one of the first "American" weddings she's experienced...so alot of the etiquette/customs are new to her. She is having a pretty expensive wedding reception, and her father is paying for the whole thing, including FI's guests (she's a little annoyed at how big the list is, but he says he can't cut it down)

Her and her FI are discussing the rehearsal dinner, which his parents offered to pay for.  She wants it at a REALLY expensive resturaunt ($70/plate), and FI has said "no, they can't afford that and it's my 2nd wedding, it's nice of them to offer to do it again in the first place."  Her reaction (just in private convo. with me) is "oh, but it's ok for my father to pay $100+ a plate for all of your frat buddies?"

I told her traditionally Groom's family pays for the RD, and it's up to them to decide to host it and how they want to do it (what I've heard).  Is this the correct or is there some truth to her argument?

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Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate

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    redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    you are correct. the grooms family traditionally hosts the RD. It can be hosted by anyone though. The bigger issue is the amount of money spent. It is up to the host to pay for the number of people they can afford. If your friend wants to have more people invited, she needs to pay for them herself. If she wants his family and her family to contribute equal amounts, then her father needs to spend less. The RD is usually the WP, officiant, readers, parents, grandparents and OOT guests. However if her entire family is coming from OOT maybe they should host a brunch the day after the wedding (or some other similar event) to give them time to really visit. That way she gets to host an event for her family, spend time with them, and not expect her FI's family to pay more than they can afford.
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You're correct.

    The other issue is that it sounds like she's resentful of what her parents are paying but that doesn't mean that other parents get to pay more.
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes, the groom is right.  His parents offered to pay so they have control over how that money is spent.

    Remind her that the same holds true for her parents, as well.  If they are feeling the strain of paying, remind them that the guest list can be made smaller or the venue can be changed. 

    People who pay should be able to CHOOSE how this money is being spent and have a voice.  The groom's parents used their's.  If the bride's parents have something to say, now is the time to say it.

    EDIT: assuming invitations and STDs have not gone out, of course.

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    CS4232011CS4232011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Ok thanks everyone!

    She's really big on having things fancy/borderline extravagent (no expense is being spared for this), so she really just wants things to be top notch and doesn't want what she thinks will be a tacky RD; but I'll definitely be talking to her about the it

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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Here's the main problem:
    >>Her and her FI are discussing the rehearsal dinner

    Grammar problem aside, she shouldn't be involved in any of the discussions for the RD.  It's a dinner FOR her. 

    What other things does she try to control?  If she's invited over to FMIL's house for Tgiving and she finds out that they usually eat pumpkin pie for dessert, is she going to try to manipulate FMIL into also serving cheesecake?  Of course not.  When you are a GUEST, you need to be gracious and grateful.

    My FMIL gave us a choice of either Outback Steakhouse or Sam Seltzer's Steakhouse for the RD.  I didn't want either one.  Not fancy enough.  An RD should be in a hall with a reserved room just for the RD.  That's my family's tradition.  But it's not FI's family tradition.  So I said NOTHING, except "Oh, Outback, please.  We enjoy going there!"

    And I've never heard of a $70/plate RD.  That's way too much.  Esp when your wedding is $100/plate.
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    bdrileybdriley
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:ad5cc5f1-a358-4b76-924e-c845c564f1d1Post:fdb47b1e-3ea6-4682-a053-775bba188139">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's the main problem: />><strong>Her and her FI are discussing the rehearsal dinner Grammar problem aside, she shouldn't be involved in any of the discussions for the RD.  It's a dinner FOR her.</strong>  What other things does she try to control?  If she's invited over to FMIL's house for Tgiving and she finds out that they usually eat pumpkin pie for dessert, is she going to try to manipulate FMIL into also serving cheesecake?  Of course not.  When you are a GUEST, you need to be gracious and grateful. My FMIL gave us a choice of either Outback Steakhouse or Sam Seltzer's Steakhouse for the RD.  I didn't want either one.  Not fancy enough.  An RD should be in a hall with a reserved room just for the RD.  That's my family's tradition.  But it's not FI's family tradition.  So I said NOTHING, except "Oh, Outback, please.  We enjoy going there!" And I've never heard of a $70/plate RD.  That's way too much.  Esp when your wedding is $100/plate.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    What?  Of course the couple has a say in it.  That's like saying if her parents are paying for the wedding then the couple can't pick the guest list.  She needs to understand not everyone has money to blow on the wedding.  She also needs to make it clear to her FI that though it is his second wedding it is her first so there are things he might need to fight for with his parents because it's what she wants.  She needs to stop being vengeful and saying his frat friends aren't worth an invite if she can't have what she wants.  Balance the wants and the budget!
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    NatandIsaacNatandIsaac
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:ad5cc5f1-a358-4b76-924e-c845c564f1d1Post:fdb47b1e-3ea6-4682-a053-775bba188139">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's the main problem: />>Her and her FI are discussing the rehearsal dinner Grammar problem aside, <strong>she shouldn't be involved in any of the discussions for the RD.  It's a dinner FOR her. </strong> 
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    <div>A rehearsal dinner is given in honor of the people who attended the rehearsal or assisted in some way with the wedding. It is not given in honor of the bride and groom. Unlike a shower or B-party, If the parents are not paying for a RD, then it is actually very appropriate for the bride and groom to host a RD.</div>
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