Too many bridal showers

MrsJoshuaParker4

Okay, this is really our of hand.

I was born & raised in Georgia. i met my FI when i was 18. We ended up getting together when i was 20 and i wound moving to Michigain to be with him when i was 21. We got engaged almost 2 years later.

my FI's parents are divorced (like mine), his dad is remarried and his mom is engaged as well. his mom & dad kind of get along (she's still kind of bitter about the divorce that happened over 20 years ago). my FI's stepmother apparently doesn't allow my FFIL to attend events that my FMIL is attending (for example, my FI's daughter's birthday party back in September.. complete disaster). his stepmother is having a MAJOR hissy fit about this wedding. my FMIL, my FI's grandmother and aunt started talking about about hosting a bridal shower for me in the spring (like April/May) in Michigain. My FMIL has family in Arizona that will be visiting and she thought it would be a great chance for everyobdy to get together. so. she talked to my FI and myself about it and we thought so too. my FMIL was actually being nice and wanted to include my FI's stepmother and step-sisters in the planning. when we were my my FFIL's house over NYE, my FI brought it to his dad's attention. my FFIL thought it was a great idea since he has family from Arkansas coming to visit and he said he would call my FMIL with the those details and try to work out a date so she knew what to tell my mama (who is planning on coming out for my shower in MI along with two of my sisters who are both BMs in my wedding). apparently my FFIL's wife had a complete sh*t fit new year's day. she called up my FSIL and told her she was going to plan ANOTHER shower for the following week, not to tell us! wtf?!

then, there's my side. my father was born in Mississippi, but raised in Lousiana. so i have two families right there (a LONG story). my mama is from New York. and her entire family is still between NY & PA. i knew i was having a shower in GA (in August) because that's where i'm from. my mama then proceeds to tell me yesterday that before my Abeula (my grandmother-my mom's puerto rican) died (she died in August) was talking about trying to throw a shower for me in NY in July and she is still planning on doing that with my Tias (aunties). to make things even better, my Gramama (the one in LA) talked to my Nana (in MS) and they want to throw a shower for me in September in MS. and the real icing the cake, as i'm typing this, my MOH texts me and asks me when my step daughter's birthday is in September so she can plan a shower for me.

so right now, i'm looking at 2 in MI, 1 in NY, 1 in MS and 2 GA.. that's 6. i feel like this got soooo out of control and i feel soooo overwhelmed. how do i stop this?

MairePoppy

Oh no, how would you even fit all those showers in? I would limit it to two showers, total. The one in Georgia and the one Michigan seems to make the most sense. Don't let future SMIL's problem become your problem.

AddieCake

Just decline some of them. 

MrsJoshuaParker4

the thing is i understand the thought process of my grandmothers on my father's side.
my dad died almost a year ago and i guess they figured this was their way of including both of his families in some of the wedding activities since most of them will (most likely) not be attending the wedding. (especially my family in Mississippi). my Nana (in MS) is my dad's biological mother and she was never really part of my life (she's an alcoholic, but swears she has cleaned up her act) and she is soooo head on doing this. my Granmama (the woman who raised my Daddy in Louisiana) is dead set on doing this because of my father. so i understand why they want to do it, which is why i really can't say no to them.

as for my shower in New York, i understand my mama's thought process. my cousin is ALWAYS trying to compete with me. (she's 6 months younger than me) my FI and i got engaged back on 4th of July. she conviently got engaged at the end of October. my FI and i had a wedding date picked out in the beginning of August. which is why my Abeula was planning for a shower in NY in July to celebrate with my family members up there (some of them i know for a fact will not make it to my wedding, like my great-grandmother because of her health and some of them are not comfortable going to events that are English based because they all speak Spanish--i'm half Puerto Rican & half Black).  my Abuela suddenly had a stroke at the end of August and they took her off of life support August 28 and she passed away. since she had already talked about it, my mother wanted to go ahead and do it. plus considering most of my cousins probably will not make it to the wedding because of the competing cousin picked Sunday, October 13 (the same weekend as my wedding--mine's Friday October 11) for HER wedding date in NEW JERSEY and it's too much for everybody to try to go to both. which i'm totally fine with.

however,  since i was born & raised in Georgia, i know i'm not getting out of this one. my MOH wanted to do my shower for my friends there, but not with my mother. my mother can be so controlling to these type of things (my sister's shower was crazy because of my mother demanding things her way) and my mom wants to do a shower in Georgia for the family I have there, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennesse and Alabama. i'm thinking that i could possibly turn down the second shower in GA (the one mama wants to plan) since i think most of those family members will make to my wedding. i really do want my shower with my friends in GA though. i grew up with most of them and i feel like it would only be right.

however, my FFIL came over last night and had dinner with us, my FMIL and 2 FSILs. we talked about it and he had no idea what my FSMIL was even doing! he apologized for Wanda's behavior and said he would take care of it. (she wouldn't come to dinner last night because my FMIL was there lol). so i have one confirmed shower in Michigain, planned for April 28. if my FSMIL chooses to come, fine. if not, fine. my FMIL and FFIL are hosting it since both of their familes from Arizona and Arkansas will be there. i think it's great. 

so far, i've narrowed it down. haha. i think this is the best that i can do unless something changes. 

i do have a question though--what do y'all think about co-ed showers? i don't wanna call it a shower, but more like a celebration? i have a lot more male friends than i do female friends and my guy friends are just as happy for me as the female friends. i want to invite them to the shower in GA, since they'll be at my wedding. we talked about doing the same thing in MI for my FI's GM to come and other guy pals he has (since i don't really know that many people here and i don't really care for his female "friends")  any thoughts? i've never been to a co-ed bridal shower, babyshower yes. but not bridal.

MrsJoshuaParker4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_too-many-bridal-showers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:b8abde08-fcca-4c2d-a761-7bb4f6bc2d4dPost:a583d049-90c0-4a45-b933-a0c7892db663">Re: Too many bridal showers</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sure you understand their thought process, but what you, and they, are not thinking about is the fact that no one who is not invited to the wedding should ever be invited to ANY prewedding party. This is NOT a way to "include" people who can't come to the wedding.  <strong>Coming to a party for you and buying you a present is NOT some sort of privilege and treat TO THE GUEST</strong>. What this says is, regardless of your intent and that of the hostess, is, <strong>"I'll let you come to this party so you can celebrate wonderful me, me, me, and spend the money that you earn at your job to buy gifts for me, but you can't come to my wedding.</strong>" This will definitely <strong>not go over well in Georgia. It's a HUGE faux pas in the south,</strong> where people tend to be very astute about social etiquette. Furthermore, a <strong>bride traditionally got one shower</strong>.  This was to avoid the appearance of greed. Two has become more acceptable, since brides and grooms rarely live and die in the same cities.  More than this is over the top. Co-ed showers are okay, but guys tend to find them boring.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<strong>first & second bolds:</strong> i never said they had to buy me present nor did i say they couldn't come to my wedding.. i personally could give two shits about a gift. i'm looking at this at more as a celebration. i said that my families in Louisiana and Mississippi probably will not make it to my wedding (money is an issue for all of them on that side-especially the ones who are still in NOLA and refuse to get out). my Grandmothers understand that. who the hell said anything about being greedy? if i want something, i go buy it. always have and always will. attending my bridal shower/celebration doesn't require them to buy me stuff that i know they can't afford.

<strong>third bold:</strong> i'm pretty sure i'm WELL AWARE of southern etiquette when it comes to some of these things.. i mean i was BORN & RAISED in Georgia. my shower in Georgia is for my friends, who yes will be attending the wedding. i turned down the shower my mama wanted to plan in GA and accepted my shower in NY. since again, it's a celebration since i know not all of my NY/PA family will be attending my wedding in GA since my cousin is getting married in NJ the same weekend.

<strong>fourth borld:</strong> there is NOTHING traditional about my wedding one little bit. traditional doesn't work for me.

pengy_wi

With language like that I'm picturing your showers in the back rooms of local bars. You asked for advice and that's what you're getting, accept it graciously.

MrsJoshuaParker4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_too-many-bridal-showers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:b8abde08-fcca-4c2d-a761-7bb4f6bc2d4dPost:1d380e8c-1a16-4c7f-b6cc-76d1ed1b185a">Re: Too many bridal showers</a>:
[QUOTE]there is NOTHING traditional about my wedding one little bit. traditional doesn't work for me. Etiquette and tradition are two ENTIRELY different things. Etiquette is the formal name for good manners, which never go out of style. Its intent is to protect the rights of others, and to prevent otherwise nice people from embarrassing themselves in public. Tradition is a set of customs that people are free to ignore if they wish, such as tossing a bouquet or wearing a white dress. A shower is a party that carries the intent to get a present. If you don't want gifts, then have a different kind of party than a shower, such as an <strong>afternoon tea</strong> - although it's STILL a faux pas to <strong>invite non-wedding guests</strong>. If they're invited, but just can't come, that's another matter.  They were invited to the wedding, so they can be invited to a shower. Otherwise, anyone not invited to the wedding at all should not be invited to a prewedding event, and should be entertained AFTER the wedding.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]


first bold: that is not my type of event.
second bold: who said i wasn't inviting them to the wedding? i simply said they will most likely not be coming due to things that are beyond my control.

MrsJoshuaParker4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_too-many-bridal-showers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:b8abde08-fcca-4c2d-a761-7bb4f6bc2d4dPost:58983903-5d41-40c0-a191-df87b3a83141">Re: Too many bridal showers</a>:
[QUOTE]With language like that <strong>I'm picturing your showers in the back rooms of local bars</strong>. You asked for advice and that's what you're getting, accept it graciously.
Posted by pengy_wi[/QUOTE]

is that where your shower was? 

i did accept the advice and started turning showers down. however, everybody was too quick to tell me "not to invite guests who aren't invited to the wedding" when i never said i wasn't invited anybody to the wedding, i'm expecting a lof of my family in Lousiana and Mississippi not to make it!