Is it right that this offends me?

nymeria16

I am a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding. We just put on a shower and took the bride out for a road trip weekend. It was a lot of fun, but I spent a decent amount of money. I did not mind because I knew what I signed up for. 

  Over dinner one night on her bachelorette weekend trip, she informed all the bridesmaids that we were not allowed to bring dates to the rehearsal dinner. She said the reason was that there were too many people invited and it was too expensive.    But should this not have been factored in before? They picked a very expensive restaurant to have the dinner; it is the most expensive restaurant in town.   I am not asking to bring the "flavor of the month guy." We have been together longer than the bride and groom have even known each other. And one of the other bridesmaids has a long term boyfriend coming in from out of town for the wedding.    When she announced this, we were all a bit take a back. Is this something that is common, or do others find this a bit rude like I do? After taking her out for a full weekend, where she did not spend a dime, is it wrong to expect her to invite me and my long-term boyfriend to the rehearsal dinner?      

 

LoveMuffins

It's definitely not common. My FI wanted our RD at an expensive place and I told him that my one condition about the RD was that everyone & their SOs had to be able to come. He was upset because he thought he wouldn't be able to fit it into the budget, but that was my only input on the RD so I won that one.

What she's doing is extremely rude. I'm not sure you have too many options about it. You could confront her and ask her why, during what is a thank you to the people involved in the wedding party (ie. you) and a celebration of love, your love and significant other is not being invited. You could let her know that you think it's rude and let it slide. You could just let it slide. Or you could just decline to come to the dinner without your BF.

The cost absolutely should have been factored in. Good luck with dealing with her, whatever option you choose =/

blush64

I wouldn't attend the RD unless my FI was also invited. I would go to the rehearsal and go home.

It's really rude.

Matty143

That is not common in my circle. She is very rude and should have taken this into consideration when choosing the restaurant.
Good luck!

banana468

Do you have to travel OOT for this or is it local?  If it's local then it's up to you if you want to go to dinner without your SO.  I might but I wouldn't want to.

However if it was OOT and I was going to have to take a day off to go to the rehearsal and another day off to go to the RD then I'd quite frankly say, "Oh OK.  Well, dinner for HIM isn't really in our budget.  Just fill me in on what I missed at the rehersal and I'll meet you for hair and makeup on the day of."

kaitlyn&henry

when a couple has been together for an extended amount of time, it is extremely rude that he/she would not be invited. 

jrm295

I was in a wedding earlier this year and my bride tried to do this.... My fiance and I had been together over 2 years at the time of the rehearsal dinner and she said it was too expensive to have him there.
I told asked her if i could pay for his dinner.... her mother was so embarressed that she emailed me personally and said that my fiance was on the list and that she was paying for him and a bunch of other peoples significant others her daugther forgot to mention...
Turns out they were getting the leftover money from the budget after the wedding and she was trying to cut corners.

Your friend is rude and I wouldnt attend the rehearsal or the dinner if I was you

MairePoppy

Very rude. She should have included all S/Os, as well as any of the wp's dates - especially if they are travelling to attend the wedding. Pizza and salad for everyone would be preferable to an exclusive party at a pricey restaurant.

nymeria16

We still have some time before the wedding it is not till November, so I am going to talk to her and tell her me and the other bridesmaids were surprised by this. 

Me and by boyfriend have been together for four years, the bride use to work with him. They would hang out together at work, but since they both moved on to better jobs, they don't talk excpet when we do couple activities. 

Are there any suggestions on how to tell her that I find this rude without damaging the friendship?

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_right-this-offends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:d00de62a-1ec4-4f9a-96c9-b57bd72f6eefPost:fb70e600-7360-47df-86e1-23b254ae4b77">Re: Is it right that this offends me?</a>:
[QUOTE]We still have some time before the wedding it is not till November, so I am going to talk to her and tell her me and the other bridesmaids were surprised by this.  Me and by boyfriend have been together for four years, the bride use to work with him. They would hang out together at work, but since they both moved on to better jobs, they don't talk excpet when we do couple activities.  Are there any suggestions on how to tell her that I find this rude without damaging the friendship?
Posted by nymeria16[/QUOTE]

Rather than say, "I think this is really rude," why not do what I said above?

"Oh, the SO isn't invited?  Gosh that really wasn't in our budget. I'll totally be there for the rehearsal but I'm not sure if I can make the RD if that's the case."

And if you need to go OOT, do what I said above.  It sends the message that you're not going to be split from your SO on a night that's involves the legal joining of your friend to hers.

MairePoppy

Usually, people don't take kindly to being told their behavior is rude, especially if it's true. You will find evidence of that all over The Knot boards.

You could tell her that you don't want to be rude to your partner, by excluding him, so you will not be attending the dinner. Hopefully, she will rethink her plan.

SuMmErKuTiE

Ditto pp's this is definitely not common and is very rude of the bride. We had a large bridal party, and we knew that meant that the RD would get expensive quick after factoring in our immediate families, my grandparents, our WP and their dates. So, we had a backyard Caribbean themed RD and it was perfect. We enjoyed it so much more than going to a fancy restaurant the night before a big fancy event. It was so laid back and relaxing and everyone enjoyed themselves.

The bride either needs to scale back on the RD or pony up the extra $$ to make sure her nearest and dearest (i.e. her bridesmaids) can bring their significant others.

MrsDesChane

You might want to check with her and find out who's paying for the RD? IF the B&G are paying themselves, are they aware that it is customary to invite SO's? If the FIL's are paying for it, it may be their restrictions and their choice on where the party is taking place and who is invited.
I would feel slighted too, but I think it might be better to simply talk to the bride (in a non-accusing tone) and get more info about the situation. You can even tell her that your feelings are hurt. I would do it sooner, rather than later, because the closer it gets to the actual day, the more "set in stone" the plans may be. Plus if your conversation offends her, it will give her some time to cool off and actually consider your point of view way before the RD.
Also, while skipping the RD altogether is definitely an option, it might make things awkward for the impending wedding the next day. If I'm close enough to the Bride to be a BM, then the last thing I would want to do is upset my good friend on her Big Day.
I know that you are offended, and you have every right to be. Pick your battles: If this seems worth fighting for, go for it; if you can let it go, go for it. But at least talk to her. It's possible that she's clueless, or legitimately stuck in a bind, and it can all be resolved easily with a conversation.
Good luck!

goobersinlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_right-this-offends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:d00de62a-1ec4-4f9a-96c9-b57bd72f6eefPost:449f11a3-46be-4896-bec5-b0e86a784095">Re: Is it right that this offends me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Usually, people don't take kindly to being told their behavior is rude, especially if it's true. You will find evidence of that all over The Knot boards. <strong>You could tell her that you don't want to be rude to your partner, by excluding him, so you will not be attending the dinner. Hopefully, she will rethink her plan.</strong>
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Oooo good one!