Pre-wedding Parties

(Lack of) Family Support

My fiance (Rob) and I met in my Sophomore year of high school but became really great friends Senior year (09-10). I am currently 20 and he turns 22 in September. We began dating last April and were engaged in August. We knew right away when we started dating that we were going to get married. It's one of those when you know you know type of things.

That being said, being that I am "so young" and things did happen quickly, I feel as if my family does not even care that this is one of the biggest moments and days of my life. I get no support from them and feel as if this entire event is just an elephant in the room that no one wants to discuss. When Rob and I moved in together in January, my dad told me he could "no longer support your engagement", not that he had given much support in the first place being that we had planned our engagement party to be at his place and he was on board with it until I asked him to check out invitations I had made and he said "Oh, I forgot all about that."

All my sister cares to talk about is how expensive divorce is and how it would tear our kids apart if we had them and got divorced. She basically has set us up to fail from the beginning even if she thinks she's trying to help. That's not the kind of help ANYONE wants.

My mom loves Rob and couldn't wait until I was out of the house...but as for wedding talk, she always says I ask her questions at the wrong time and keeps putting it off.

My brother and his wife haven't even bothered getting to know Rob and as far as they're concerned, we don't exist. The only support, love, and excitement we get is from Rob's parents and all of our friends.

I'm sorry this is such a long post. :(

We picked our date to be 12-13-13 and although it is a ways away, we want to have the reception site and photographer booked by the end of the summer. We have the mentality that we are paying for the entire wedding ourselves but we want to know if that's the case or not but I feel as if my family is going to keep pushing it off and keep on with the "the weddings far away, we'll deal with it later" mindset.

Has anyone else ever gone through something like this or known someone in my position? Or has anyone done this to someone they love and later regretted it? Please, any help and/or advice is greatly appreciated. I will always cry about this issue but I don't want to stress about it anymore.

Thank you.

Re: (Lack of) Family Support

  • When you post the same thread in two different places you might want to put XP at the top.  I know I posted on your other thread but I forgot to add in a little thing.  My parents currently are of the mentality that "It's not worth worrying about til it's like 6 months away".  Granted my mom procrastinates on everything and I'm a type A personality so we clash on this.  I want to book, she wants to wait.  Don't cry or stress about it right now.  I know that's easier said that done, but just relax and enjoy being engaged for a little while.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    While I understand your parents' concerns over your age, I think they are approaching the situation from the wrong angle. It would be nice if you could talk to each other about their concerns and your plans for the future. I'm sorry that your parents have shut down the conversation.

    You should assume that your parents will not be contributing towards your wedding budget, unless they volunteer otherwise. Decide how much you and your fi can afford to spend and plan accordingly. It may be necessary for you to change your date, in order to have the kind of wedding you want.

    Good luck with your plans.

  • I went through the same thing with my family. I was in my senior year of college when I started seriously seeing someone for the first time. He came to visit me every weekend in college but somehow it was not okay for me to spend the night at his place when I came home on breaks. (I went anyways). Now they love him but it took awhile (even though they new him for 8 years before we started dating). 

     It sound to me like your family legitamately cares for you (as mine did) and they are worried that you are making a mistake rushing into things too soon. You may not feel this way but their concerns are valid and maybe you should take the time to step back from the situation and consider the advice they are giving you. After you've done that it is time for you to make your own decision. If you think you are ready for the huge commitment that is marriage and think you are ready to spend the rest of your life with your fiance then go for it. It is your life after all. And maybe in time (as your wedding is so far away) your family will learn to except the choices you have made. 

    If it turn out that they don't want to pitch in for the wedding, and suppport the two of you that is their decision. 

    You have to choose whether you want to risk losing your family relationship or risk losing your fiance which is a really hard thing to do. It is what I had to do as well, at first. I was lucky and my family eventually got with the program (They are actually presuring us to get married haha). 

    Hopefully once it gets closer to the date and they see how commited you are they will support you.

  • It sounds like you've got a good plan in place, and I would stick with it. As the date gets closer, your family will come to see that it's really happening. I think that it's probably hard for them to accept that their 20yo daughter is growing up. In the mean time, just keep bringing him to things and letting them get to know him. They'll come around soon. Good luck!
  • Give it time.  I went through hell and back with my first husband (way more than anyone should have to go through in a life time)  My parents never said they disaproved when I got engaged again but I know they were all worried, I was rushing or might not be ready.  But as they see us together more they realize that he is perfect for me.  Just know your family wants best for you.  Hopefully in time they will come around.  I'm sure the wedding came as a shock to them and they need time to just wrap their heads around it.  I would just plan the wedding as if they aren't helping financially and if they end up helping then great.  good luck!
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