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How to tell my FMIL I don't want her at my bachelorette party??

lilcasserslilcassers member
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in Pre-wedding Parties
Good Morning Ladies!

Ok... so i'm a social worker and I RARELY have trouble talking to people about my feelings in a polite manner. But this one has me in a pickle because family feelings are on the line.

My mom is an ex-drinker and she completely went the other way and is against alcohol now. I am obviously not having her at my bachelorette party because my girls and I love to party and drink.

My future mother in-law made a comment/joke yesterday saying "I better be at the bachelorette party". I don't mind her having everyone at her house for some snacks and opening gifts, but once that limo comes.. I just want it to be me and my girls.

How on earth do I politely tell her that I just want it to be my friends and my future sister in-laws? I would risk having hurt feelings on both ends. But I care more about my moms feelings. If my mom knew that she was coming and not her, she would be hurt. And my mom knows the reason why too. I told my mom that I don''t want her coming because I don't want to have to watch myself with her and have her cranky because alcohol will be involved.

Please help ladies!
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Re: How to tell my FMIL I don't want her at my bachelorette party??

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    gower2begower2be
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    edited December 2011
    hmm I don't think there will be a way around hurt feelings but it might lessen the blow to explain to her that you are concerned about the heavy drinking involved and thats your reasoning. Maybe tell her that this is your last hoorah as an unmarried woman and its important to you that you do this with your girls. Idunno though good luck
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In our circle, moms don't ever attend b-parties.  Showers, absolutely, but b-parties are for friends.  I didn't attend DD's or DIL's b-parties, and would have thought it weird if I were invited.  I would have declined.

    Sorry I don't have a way to tell someone who has, essentially, invited herself to a party that she's not included in. But you do have an out.  You don't throw your own b-party.  It's a gift TO you from whomever is throwing it.

     I guess I would tell her(if indeed you are following etiquette and someone else is throwing you the party)  that you're sorry, but  you don't have control over the guest list, and that it's not appropriate for you to dictate guest list to the hostess.

    I'm not sure I've given great advice here, but it's all I can think of.  Sorry
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    KD+BCKD+BC
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    edited December 2011
    In my circle/family moms and MILs are invited to the bachelorette parties and dads and FILs are invited to bachelor parties. Usually it's a two part thing, a dinner or small party at someone's house then going out. The parents go to the first part then go home when you go out. Could you have your FI tell his mom that she should not go out in the limo with you girls? Could you invite your mom to the first part of your party?
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    lilcasserslilcassers member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    All the bachelorette parties I have gone to give gifts to the bride so yes, it is customary in my area.

    My FMIL is actually a really fun person and I like her. She is jewish and just gets involved in everything. She loves to hang out with everyone and help out. My mom is even throwing my shower and she mentioned wanting to throw me one too. I think because she likes to help and by my mom giving me a shower, takes her power away. I don't want a second shower either... I think it's overkill and rude to invite guests to 2 parties. I may be getting married but dang, it's not like the whole year revolves around me.

    A couple of my friends moms attended their parties and a couple didn't. I personally don't want her there just because my mom will be the only one left out.

    I would NEVER tell her that I have no control over the guest list lol.. that is crazy to me. I don't think most girls would have the guts to say that to their FMIL. To her and her family, there isn't an "organized list" for things. She mentioned inviting my fiance's cousins who I have met 3 tiimes and that I was actually like "ummm no this is for people I am close with only"

    She just takes "the more the merrier" perspective and isn't trying to be rude but at the same time I am a little annoyed. I feel that even though my friends are throwing the party for me, she is giving me too many suggestions of things I should do. I just smile and knod. Ugh...
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    lilcasserslilcassers member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh yes... and I could invite my mom to the first part of the party. That is what I should do and then my FMIL would feel obligated to stay back and visit with my mom.

    Good idea!!
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    lisalou402lisalou402 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Are they gift gifts? or cheesy bachelorette gifts? Our circle definitely is about cheesy ridiculous bachelorette items a la male body parts.

    That's fun that you get gifts.  Is it more like a shower?
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    NIKIKRUISENIKIKRUISE
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    edited December 2011
    Why don't you talk to your FSILs and explain the situation. Maybe they could help out with their mother and kindly explain to her why its not appropriate for her to be there.
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    hzamonishzamonis member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Maybe she was seriously joking about wanting to attend. I don't know of any mothers, mine or otherwise, who would seriously want to attend a crazy night of drinking & dancing with the girls. Maybe you can ask your future SIL if she is expecting to attend?
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    LisaLPharmDLisaLPharmD member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would tell her exactly what you told us! You'd love to have her, but since your own mom can't come, you wouldn't feel right and it might hurt her feelings. 
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