bachelorette party--- who pays?

Alyssa1212

Hey guys,

So I have my friend's bachelorette party, or should I say weekend, coming up and I wanted to know who pays for what. 

We are renting a house for the weekend, going out for dinner Friday night, Saturday night, then we leave on Sunday. Costs include: renting the house ($100 per person), bachelorette themed shirts, alcohol, snacks, cleaning service (for the last four items they have asked for $80), plus splitting the cost of the bride's dinner, drinks and etc, whatever that etc means. 

There are five of us coming including the bride. Two BM are coming and two friends. I'm not a BM, just one of the friends.

Do you think I'm expected to pay for all of the bride's food/ drink and all activities for the entire weekend, including for instance food/ drink for the night we just hang out and go to a restuant and the day we leave?

The wedding is also out of town, so we have to rent a car and pay for a hotel room. Considering how much it looks like I'll be paying for this friends wedding, is it okay to give a small gift from my husband and I (say around $50 from the registry?) 

Of course not everything has to be even steven  in life, but my at my bachlorette party a few months ago, I did something in town and just a one night thing, resturant/ out to a bar. She came to that, but since she is from in-town as well, she didn't have to pay for a hotel room, nor did she have to pay for more then one meal. 

So what are your thoughts? 

freebread03

I think that this sounds like it could get expensive!  But, it also sounds like you've agreed to participate in this weekend extravaganza knowing the approximate costs going into it.  However, you should talk with the other girls and determine how you'll be splitting up costs--I'd assume you'd split costs for the bride's dinner etc. (but, if I was the bride, I wouldn't let my friends/BP pay for anything more than dinner one night).

[Deleted User]

It sounds like it will be expensive but if you are going you should be helping out with the brides cost. Everyone should be pitching in, if you are not financially able to do this I would suggest another idea to them or not go! Sounds like you already agreed to go and help out with the expenses. Which I do not think is unreasonable.

rb30966

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelorette-party-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:df1f0793-a4c1-4336-a638-41c207a7bc19Post:af9888ef-5b91-48f2-b20f-6f10b9c549d9">bachelorette party--- who pays?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not a BM, just one of the friends.
Posted by Alyssa1212[/QUOTE]

I feel like the fact that you are NOT in the bridal party is a key point here.

Alyssa1212

I knew that it would be $100 to rent the house for the weekend, that is what I was OK with. But then I got a fb message saying what we need to bring (clothing wise)  and about this extra $80 for t-shirts, cleaning service, alcohol, snacks, etc.Costs include: renting the house ($100 per person), bachelorette themed shirts, alcohol, snacks, cleaning service (for the last four items they have asked for $80), plus splitting the cost of the bride's dinner, drinks and etc, whatever that etc means. In a previous message something was mentioned about strippers and decorations? Is it my responsibility to pay for a portion of this? I haven't been asked about that, so far it is just 180+ bride's dinner drinks and that etc.... There are five of us coming including the bride. Two BM are coming and two friends. I'm not a BM, just one of the friends. What bugs me is about this cleaning service, and this etc. I think I feel like the hosts of this event are just expecting invitees to pay without being consulted. I know that a lot of people dropped out over the past few weeks/ months and I didn’t want to be one of those people to drop out. This is a girl who is a friend, yes. A friend who I go to lunch with every other month, not a best friend. I also think that as a BM, you do need to step up more then just a friend at the bachelorette party, especially since there are two BM who aren't coming.  It just seems like this can quickly get out of hand and of something that is very expensive.

Is there a comfortable way to say that I don’t want to be paying for everything, activities, the dinner after the big nite (not the big nite out), activioties on Saturday/ Sunday, the day we leave. Is it reasonable to act for a full list of expenses/ activities for the weekend and ask if the bride will be paying or will we be splitting the costs?

Also- do you think it is okay to buy a less expensive wedding present? For two adults for an out-of town wedding, get say a $50 gift from the registry?

Thanks for your help and advise!!

[Deleted User]

The other girls who backed out must have done so because of the expenses. I would think about if you really want to go, or if you should back out as well. I think you could ask what other expenses there will be. But know that if you are going, the bridal party should not be the only ones responsible for the expenses. You each should be paying for your own way and splitting the brides costs up. 

marston258

Personally I think it is totally OK to go with a less expensive wedding gift if that is what you can afford. Honestly, I think while gifts are nice and very much appreciated, I want my friends to be at my wedding and share my day more than I want gifts from them and would be thankful for any gift they can afford to give. If you give a $50 gift and she is offended or thinks you cheap, especially after this whole big weekend (and was there a shower also??) than she's not a real friend. Just my opinion.

 I would love to do a weekend away with my BMs and possibly other girlfriends. If we do something like this, I would not even expect them to pay for anything for me as the bride. They are mostly 2-5 hours drive away, so just for them to make the trip and spend money on their own portions would be enough. I'd be happy that we could all afford to be there and enjoying hanging out together.

rb30966

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelorette-party-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:df1f0793-a4c1-4336-a638-41c207a7bc19Post:b6384d50-92dd-49fb-a4fd-ecedf48f6aa9">Re: bachelorette party--- who pays?</a>:
[QUOTE]the bridal party should not be the only ones responsible for the expenses.
Posted by halie520[/QUOTE]

I disagree with this. It's comparable to the bridesmaids planning an elaborate shower at a boutique hotel and then asking all attending guests to contribute to the cost of the rental. Whoever is hosting the party pays for it, unless others offer without being asked. It's really rude to invite people to a party and then ask them to pay for it.

BUT, obviously these girls don't really understand that. So you pretty much have two options: you can decide not to go or you can ask them if there's any way to scale back on the costs, as you weren't planning to spend the extra $80 and hadn't budgeted for it.  You could easily end up dropping over $250 on this when it is all said and done, which is a LOT for a guest. Since a lot of people have dropped out, the cost has probably gone up a lot for the few that are still attending. They should be more flexible and consider their guests.

nymeria16

I just got back from a Bachelorette weekend. The way we split it up was this. We split the room evenly between everyone. Everyone brought 1 bottle of alchol to share. Devided up drinks/snaks for the ride and to have in the room. 

When we went out the bridesmaides took turns paying for the brides food and drinks. The friends just bought her a drink, but were only expected to pay for their own expenses. 

It was not the cheapest trip, but we knew the cost going in. Decided how to devided the expences before we left. We take a yearly road trip, but we did a road trip bachelorette party insted. I would not have wanted to do anything else. 

WildMagelet

IMO, anything related to just going and getting away for the weekend (food, drinks, rental, etc.) should be split by everyone & anything bacc-party specific (decorations, stippers, etc) hould be covered by the BP.  If you're getting a t-shirt or something out of it I don't think its unreasonable to pay for your own shirt - but I don't think it should be required.

jenniferb77

current ettiquette states you have one year to supply a gift to the bride and groom. food for thought.

Alyssa1212

Okay, so I thought I would update you guys on what happened.

The big night out was Friday & me and this other girl actually arrived really late, like 10:30, because of when my flight got in & traffic, which they were OK with. I actually missed out on having to pay for one of the big dinners and drinks during the day. So in the end, it was drinks on Saturday during the day, a couple taxi rides, one big dinner on Saturday night, the cost of the house, and drinks/ snacks. Not too too horrible, but a real lessoned learned. To be honest, I don't have many close friends, so on the few I do, I can learn to splurdge a bit.

As for the gift, I decide on something more modest, but more then $50. If it had been a one night thing I would have given a bigger gift, but I found something on the registry that looks really nice that I would love to give to her.

I have to be glad that both my husband and I have stable jobs and not to let an extra $100 make me feel bad. Overall, the weekend was really a lot of fun and it was nice seeing some of the girls I haven't seen in awhile.

Thanks for the help & suggestions!

-Alyssa