Rehearsal Dinner Drama

Larson2010

When my FI and I first got engaged, his dad and step-mom very graciously told us they would host our rehearsal dinner. However, as planning has continued, my future step MIL has expressed her distaste for the fact that we are not having a sit-down dinner at the reception. We are trying to save money so we are just having cake, cookies, and hot drinks (wedding's in December!) and they say they understand this. But they just told us they will no longer host our rehearsal dinner because "why would we do that when you're not having food at the reception? We don't want to outshine your reception..." Really. She said that.

I am not concerned about "outshining" anything. Only a handful of people will be at the dinner anyways. We still want to have a rehearsal dinner of some sort but does anyone have any advice on how to do so on a budget? FI's mom and step dad are paying for our photography so they are not available for more money, and of course my parents are paying for the rest and the rehearsal dinner was not in the budget! Help!

mysticl

We are having ours at an Irish pub. Nothing fancy.

Their thought process really isn't that crazy.  My cousin had a reception simular to yours and her FI parents hosted the rehearsal dinner.  The RD was in a nice restaurant with a sit down meal.  Those of us who went to both did feel it outshown the reception and wondered why the bride's parents didn't host something like that (trust me when i say they could afford to do more).  Instead we got cake, apps, and punch at dinner time.  The reception was in the church basement and on the lawn and the temp hit 100.  The wedding was in 1986, I wasn't even a teenager yet, and I remember it clearly for all the negative things. 

Larson2010

Something simple will certainly be the way to go, I guess I just want to have a rehearsal dinner for tradition's sake but we may end up not doing it at all. There will only be about 20 people there, so something small would be appropriate anyways. I may just have everyone meet at a restaurant if they want to and pick up their own checks? Thanks for the input

Larson2010

I can see how that would be a contradiction, and certainly it would be possible to outshine the reception if they tried. I guess what upsets me most though is that they revoked the offer. It's one thing to not want to host the dinner or be unable to afford it, but they offered and then backed out. This is my family now lol

marissa_claire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_rehearsal-dinner-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:f81a797f-297c-4312-b812-6c71f1b70cacPost:29eccac3-3bcc-4ef1-b757-c7987d691766">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Something simple will certainly be the way to go, I guess I just want to have a rehearsal dinner for tradition's sake but we may end up not doing it at all. There will only be about 20 people there, so something small would be appropriate anyways. I may just have everyone meet at a restaurant if they want to and pick up their own checks? Thanks for the input :)
Posted by Larson2010[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1) Definitely don't ask people to pick up their own checks!  You or FI's parents should be paying.  It's a hosted dinner, so even if it means serving PB&J, you guys need to pay.</div><div>
</div><div>2) I would consider doing something more low-key.  If it's 20 people, you could have BBQ or pizza at someone's house.  I kind of understand their thought process - the reception meal should definitely be nicer than the RD in my opinion.  I don't think they're trying to be rude, but if other guests knew that guests at the RD had a nice meal when all they're getting is snacks and punch, they won't be pleased.  

</div>

jeanna85

I can see why your in-laws would be concerned. It's not very traditional to have cake and punch receptions (I never heard of it until the Knot). It may make your guests disappointed to have a nice RD and then get no meal at the reception. Just sayin.

Larson2010

I'm with you RetreadBride. We live in the midwest now where full meals are traditional but my mom grew up in Virginia where the fanciest receptions got was some triangle sandwiches with the crust cut off! That's what I've known to be standard just because of how she was raised. So when I started to plan a St. Louis wedding I quickly realized that is not the norm around here. But like I said, we are trying to save money so I guess I will just have to upset some people and ask forgiveness later. What else can we do?

As far as other guests being upset that some people got a meal and they are not getting one... I just feel like since it's a rehearsal DINNER, it should be obvious that a meal was included. Everybody knows that. A reception is whatever we make it, and ours is on a budget

*sigh* so the verdict is go cheap and find somebody to pay, or don't have one at all. I think we can work with that.

mysticl

Just keep the RD low key.  The one I mentioned earlier had 2 really big strikes.  The first being that the RD was really, really nice with borderline gormet food.  The other was that the wedding was at 6 with the reception to follow so it was right at dinner time with no dinner. 

Larson2010

That totally makes sense. Our ceremony doesn't even start until 7pm though so by the time the reception starts it will be 8-8:30. I think we've decided to just go low key on the RD and have it at the church. Nothing too fancy

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_rehearsal-dinner-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:f81a797f-297c-4312-b812-6c71f1b70cacPost:84196a3c-86ed-4762-805c-f819c358f19c">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]That totally makes sense. Our ceremony doesn't even start until 7pm though so by the time the reception starts it will be 8-8:30. I think we've decided to just go low key on the RD and have it at the church. Nothing too fancy :)
Posted by Larson2010[/QUOTE]

I think you need to make it very clear that you're having a "punch and cake" type of dessert reception on your invitation or somewhere so that all guests will know.  If I were invited to a  7 pm wedding, I'd be expecting something more substantial than just cake and punch. 

I wouldn't be unhappy about your reception unless I didn't know ahead of time.  If I know ahead of time, I can eat an early dinner before getting ready for the wedding.

As for the RD:  I agree with PPs.  You can do a dinner for 20 relatively inexpensively.  A pasta dinner comes quickly to mind.  Or buy a couple of large frozen lasagnas from a price club.  Add a salad and some bread, and you've got an easy, inexpensive dinner that's just fine.

woodsandminkin

I may be different, but I actually want my RD to be very low-key and relaxing. These people (especially me) are about to spend the next day of their lives stressed and frazzled. If possible, you could do something as simple as finding a neighborhood clubhouse that will let you host a small event there. Have some grill steaks or find a very reasonable company that will cater. Skimp on decorations and make it a time for just being extremely grateful to your wedding party and a time to just relax with all of them before the big day. Of course, I am sure with only 20, you may be able to find a restaurant that will let you host it there without charging too much extra. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even tell the restaurant it was a rehearsal dinner because they may try to tack on extra fees. Just tell them it's a family reunion. Best of luck, and if it makes you feel better, I do think if someone offers to pay for something, they should stick with it. You guys still may be able to make a compromise.