who's invited to rehearsal dinner?

shimmer193

We have a dilemma.

We have a lot of out-of-town family coming in for the wedding, most coming from NY. FI's mother thinks all these guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner, but FI and his dad think only immediate family and wedding party should be invited (and I agree with this). With all out of town guests, we're pushing 70 people at the rehearsal dinner. Just for reference, we only have 100 at the wedding, so this is almost the whole guest list being invited to the rehearsal dinner.

I'm trying to remove myself from this discussion and let them do whatever they want since they're paying, but I just thought I'd see if I could get any helpful suggestions for them, or at least see if there is some kind of general rule for this.

winechic25

I think it can be whoever you want, but would say it's a very nice gesture to include OOT folks, especially family. We are including all OOT guests, including friends and family. I also had a friend get married in April in your same situation, she had just under 90 at her wedding, and 75 or so at the rehearsal dinner.

DFWIndian

Agreed with above. We initially wanted just immediate family, but then both our parents were talking about feeding and entertaining our OOT guest. I totally saw thier point and so we invited immediate family as well as just the OOT guest. I'm glad we did. We didn't really get to see them at the wedding much and it was great to hang out with everyone.

professorscience

Don't feel too bad.  We're doing family and wedding party only, and we're still inviting about 80 people to the RD.  At first my mom and I thought it was insane, but now I'm really looking forward to having a big party that night.

I think your FMIL is right, though.  It is nice to provide dinner for your OOT guests, especially if they have never or rarely been to Dallas.  It is good to entertain them.  And you never know -- some of them may decline (I don't know who would turn down free food, but they might!).

meghanttu08

We have WP and dates, parents, grandparents, and his aunt/uncle and cousin. (his aunt and uncle have helped with the wedding and are actually planning the dinner.) We also have our officiant and pianist and husband, and soloist and husband.

MarieSD

My ILs wanted the RD to be a really big party, so they invited everyone that was invited to the wedding. I found out that they also invited additional people they knew (who had not been invited to the wedding) to the RD. (Not something I was okay with etiquette-wise, but it was their party and their money so I couldn't tell them who to invite.)

So, we had 70 people at the wedding and about 75 at the RD.

It was fun. I ended up actually having the best of both worlds, because most of our bridal party congregated outside, so I could go outside and hang with our bridal party (our friends), then go back inside and have time with my relatives from OOT.

Jen6862

Ditto. Inviting all OOT family and friends to join us if they want... will try to get a head count once we get RSVPs in for the wedding. Luckily I'm in a situation where we will basically have the venue room from 7 until closing. So people can just drop in and order from a smaller menu I'm putting together. It will not be formal at all, just a chance for everybody to say hi.

fallbride1109

We invited the OOT and I'm so glad we did.  Some of Ben's relatives had not seen him since his bar mitzvah 20+ years ago.  It was fun and relaxing and so nice to be able to actually meet and talk to people before the wedding. 

That being said, having an RD as big as the wedding could be overwhelming and in that case, not the best idea.  If they decide to do it, don't feel obligated to stay for the entire evening.

llc2011

I wanted to keep it smaller, but I'm happy that we went with everyone that we did (OOT that were family members, family, and the bridal party).  My parents ended up paying for it, so I had no problem with having about 55 people at the RD (120 at the wedding).

shimmer193

Thank you for these posts, they make me feel a lot better!

I guess part of the problem is also that almost everyone at the rehearsal dinner will be FMIL's family, plus the wedding party. Most likely I'll have a grand total of five family members and FI will only have 6-8 from his dad's side. So we kind of see it as his mom using our wedding weekend to throw a family reunion. But I'm also trying to look at this from her perspective, and as long as she's willing to pay for most of it, then I guess we can invite who she wants.

fryer2012

I am in the same situation.  ALL of our guests are OOT guests and our guest list is at 167 people.  We are paying for everything ourselves and simply cannot afford to pay to feed everyone at the wedding AND the night before.  I am leaning towards having a short rehearsal at venue, bc I myself HATE rehearsals, and then feedin gour WP + SO's, anyone involved with/helping with wedding, and immediate family like grandparents, etc.  After dinner I want to just go to hotel and unwind with all my girls, mom's, aunts, etc in my room, I figure I can host wine & snacks for us all there so I can include any OOT guests that aren't involved in the rehearsal without making them feel like they have traveled all this way and not gotten to see me at all! 

MarieSD

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_whos-invited-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:88b1efc3-565d-45a3-849e-24bd5fab6e70Post:cc4d0af3-4888-499a-b98e-148186c7515d">Re: who's invited to rehearsal dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess part of the problem is also that almost everyone at the rehearsal dinner will be FMIL's family, plus the wedding party. Most likely I'll have a grand total of five family members and FI will only have 6-8 from his dad's side. So we kind of see it as his mom using our wedding weekend to throw a family reunion. But I'm also trying to look at this from her perspective, and as long as she's willing to pay for most of it, then I guess we can invite who she wants.
Posted by shimmer193[/QUOTE]

I had this experience as well, although I knew 15 of the 75 people there. (It could have been much worse -- we actually invited 150 people to the wedding/RD, of which I knew ... 15.) The rest was all FIL's family, friends, and coworkers. (And I'd never met any of them). I was worried going into it, because a huge party with strangers isn't the typical RD experience. But, like I said, it turned out just fine. I got to spend a lot of quality time with my small group of family and my friends. There were also a bunch of other people there I didn't know, but I was just expected to say hi, really.

Although, I noticed you said they were paying for most of it, not all of it. I don't think I would've gone for the huge event if I'd had to chip in at all. At that point, we were broke from paying for the wedding, and my RD plans (if I'd had to pay) would've been immediate family & WP members & their guests and pizza at our house.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_whos-invited-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:88b1efc3-565d-45a3-849e-24bd5fab6e70Post:cc4d0af3-4888-499a-b98e-148186c7515d">Re: who's invited to rehearsal dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for these posts, they make me feel a lot better! I guess part of the problem is also that almost everyone at the rehearsal dinner will be FMIL's family, plus the wedding party. Most likely I'll have a grand total of five family members and FI will only have 6-8 from his dad's side. So we kind of see it as his mom using our wedding weekend to throw a family reunion. But I'm also trying to look at this from her perspective, and as long as she's willing to pay for most of it, then I guess we can invite who she wants.
Posted by shimmer193[/QUOTE]

<div>This is why ours is so huge.  In FI's family, the rehearsal dinner is always a huge to-do.  Grandparents, aunts, cousins, everyone gets invited.  FI's family is huge, mine is small.  I'm not worried about it being lopsided -- both of our families get along great, and even though his family is huge, they are all so friendly I'm not worried about my family being overwhelmed.</div>

KendallandAlbert

Because our guest list is 95% OOTers, we will be having just our WP and close family (nothing past aunts/uncles and first cousins)

I feel awful but we want to be able to actually interact with all the guests.  Any more and we would be overwhelmed.

laurencste

I think it just all depends on what your FI and his family wants to do, and then that's fine.  We're doing all family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) and wedding party and that's it-- but we're also paying for it ourselves.  If they don't mind paying for it, technically it's the best etiquette to invite all OOT guests.  Besides, lots of guests at the RD really add to the whole "Celebration weekend!" feel.  Also, if they want to be hospitable but not invite everyone to the dinner, perhaps consider a hospitality suite at the hotel stocked with some booze and snacks and tell them to drop by after dinner?  We are doing that as well.

courtski2004

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_whos-invited-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:88b1efc3-565d-45a3-849e-24bd5fab6e70Post:cc4d0af3-4888-499a-b98e-148186c7515d">Re: who's invited to rehearsal dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for these posts, they make me feel a lot better! I guess <strong>part of the problem is also that almost everyone at the rehearsal dinner will be FMIL's family, plus the wedding party</strong>. Most likely I'll have a grand total of five family members and FI will only have 6-8 from his dad's side. So we kind of see it as his mom using our wedding weekend to throw a family reunion. But I'm also trying to look at this from her perspective, and as long as she's willing to pay for most of it, then I guess we can invite who she wants.
Posted by shimmer193[/QUOTE]

Ours was exactly like that, just reversed. We had 50 at the RD, and DH's family accounted for maybe 10% of the guest list. It was a relaxed atmosphere for us to socialize with close OOT guests and family, which I really enjoyed. We footed the bill for it, so we made the rules on who to invite. It is a lovely gesture for your FMIL to offer to include OOT guests--especially if you don't know a lot of your FI's side of the family. You'll feel relaxed meeting them instead of feeling guilty after the wedding that you didn't get to spend time chatting with them--because you simply won't be able to chat as much as you'd like at the reception. Who cares what her motives are, this is her son's wedding and this may be the only chance she gets to see her own family in that setting. My mantra was NO PAY=NO SAY, and since she's a-payin, she's a-sayin. I'd just go with it.