FI completely against registering-long, sorry

HilaryH1231

Since we got engaged, and the subject of a registry has come up, my FI has been strongly against it. He feels that we are able to  buy any household items that we would need or want, and so does not feel that he should be registering to ask others to get us items that we can buy ourselves. Instead, he would like to do a charity registry, in which guests would donate their money to one or two of our chosen charities. I think that the charity registry is a great idea, and I would love to be able to incorporate it. At the same time, (insert slight whine), I do kind of want a bridal shower registry at least (I've been told that most of our relatives will probably bring cash or checks to the wedding as gifts). FI said he's fine with me having a lingerie shower or something like that, but if I register for towels, sheets, etc, he said, "I'm not using them! "I guess my question here is, who is right? Is my FI right, that we shouldn't be registering for things that we have the ability to buy ourselves? If so, that's fine--just tell me I"m being immature and selfish and to get over it! My mother is completely horrified at the thought of us not registering at all, and it's becoming somewhat of a sensitive subject with us as well, with her arguing for it and me trying to defend FI's POV.

aprilrose975

FI said he's fine with me having a lingerie shower or something like that, but if I register for towels, sheets, etc, he said, "I'm not using them! "No offense but your FI sounds very controlling. 

Leah&Christian09

The thing about it is, people WANT to get you things to start your life together. Most couples can afford to buy sheets and towels on their own. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to run their home on their own. If you don't have a registry, you will have to forgo a bridal shower. Does your FI understand that he's asking you to give this up? Can you reach some sort of a compromise where you do a small registry and agree to donate the cash gifts? Or how about taking a service based honeymoon where you go somewhere and volunteer? I understand his feeling, but you two need to reach a compromise you are both ok with.

Gogalina

I don't understand why lingerie is ok & household items are not. To me, both fall under the category "items that you can buy yourselves." Maybe he can "enjoy" the lingerie more than the household items, which might be why he's willing to make an exception to the rule. Hmmmm, sounds a little inconsistent to me. Either you're ok with people buying gifts that you can buy yourselves or you're not. You can't start cherry picking what gifts people will buy you. "Yes, please feel free to purchase sexy lingerie for my fiance. No, please do not buy us new towels, silverware, glasses, etc." I don't get it.

hmonkey

i would be tres irritated if i bought a gift for someone and they didn't want to use it because it was off their registry. it's called "grace," and its definition can be found in the dictionary. btw, one of my dear friends did a charity registry. i wasn't all too fired up to give to the charities they chose, so i wrote them a check. they can donate that to the charity if they want, or they can put it towards their one registry item: a kindle.

cengle

People are going to buy you household things anyway, and if you don't register, you're going to get some pretty random, non-matching, and probably downright ugly stuff.  At least with a registry, you can pick the design you want.  Is he against registering for tools or games or other fun stuff that he could enjoy too?  Or something like a honeymoon registry? (*disclaimer: many people frown on this, but it IS an option)No offense, but he sounds like he needs to remove whatever is stuck up his fanny and compromise with you.

HilaryH1231

Thanks for all the feedback, everyone. I think that him being okay with the lingerie shower and not with a wedding registry is that he sees the lingerie shower as something that's for me, and he is totally fine with me getting items that are for my personal use, whereas household items are...okay, I can't even begin to try and explain his POV because I don't really understand it myself. Basically, he's very stubborn and very proud and hates asking for things from people. So he sees a registry as asking for things from people, and he doesn't want to be associated with that. Leah&Christian09, his reasoning is that I can have a bridal shower during which I get nice pjs, gift certificates for manis and pedis, etc. He's fine with people giving me gifts, but he doesn't want to be a part of asking for them, which is how he views having a registry. We have already gotten a few engagement gifts in the form of gift cards or checks/cash. This only strengthens FI"s conviction that people will not give us "white elephants". Of course, we have over a year--it could still happen!Sigh...bottom line, he's not going to budge. Aprilrose975, I know he probably sounds like an a**, but the thing is, he wants us to have all those registry items--he just wants to buy them for us, since he has the ability to do that. I guess in a way I admire his conviction, but at the same time he's not letting me have the full bridal experience Oh well...lingerie shower it is, Iguess. And yes, gogalina, I think he'll enjoy some new lacey underthings more than pots and pans, but if that is a part of his plan, he refuses to admit it!

dsouldiva

I think charity registries are a bit sanctimonious unless you are a Multi millionaire filmstar/rockstar/sportsman who actually has no use for anything because you already own every material item in the world and you use this option as a way of making your guests feel better about their own excessive lifestyles and as a nice PR stunt.  Your friends will want to give you gifts to celebrate your union, a gift registry is a helpful way of steering them towards things you like.  I would personally find it rude if a friend were to say "your gift is no good to me, I gave it to the charity store, they need it more than me" (which is effectively what your FI wants to say).  It isn't about needs its about well wishes and you FI is wrong to refuse these.If he really wants to give to charity, do charitable favors.

banana468

Instead, why not just have no registry and then if you decide to donate to charity, opt to do so.People will give you gifts because they want to give TO you.   I'll give to a charity on my own time.  I'll give to my friends when I want to.  I don't want them to choose what charities I should give to if I want to give them a present.  The engraved toaster is what they get when that happens.  :-)

HilaryH1231

banana468, it looks like that's the way we'll probably go--no registry at all-- based on the negative way people seem to feel about charity registries. But would it still be appropriate for me to have a lingerie-type shower, as I had mentioned before? Thanks for all the input everyone!

banana468

If someone wants to throw you a shower that's fine.  I wouldn't personally request a lingerie type shower but if someone says that she'd like to throw you one I think it's perfectly fine.

HilaryH1231

Yeah, my mom has already told me she wants to throw me a shower, and if we're not registered anywhere, my sister suggested a lingerie-type shower. I am a tad bit nervous about this though--I can just picture one of my friends getting me a vibrator, and me having to explain to my mom/FI"s mom what it is!

banana468

I bet they know.  ;-)

HilaryH1231

Hah that's even more awkward to think about. Note to self: do not look at mom's/FMIL's face while unwrapping vibrator.

atlcatlover

We had a very small registry since we didn't need much. When some friends wanted to have a shower for us we made it a red wine shower since DH and I love to drink red wine, and we didn't need the typical shower gifts. It was so much fun! Perhaps something along those lines is also an option for you.

duckie1905

A lingerie shower is better suited to your bach party or other girls night type event. Some women have family and friends that would be totally cool with the idea but I don't like to watch my friends open up their underwear and I'm pretty sure my grandmother wouldn't appreciate it either. With that being said, and I'm sorry if this comes out harsh, but your FI needs to get over it and learn to compromise. Giving to charity is a very personal decision; not only do I think it is inappropriate to suggest your guests donate to charity but I find it rude to attempt to direct their gift to you (like requesting cash). Its great that you can buy these things yourself but that isn't really the point. The better option would be to not register anywhere and have family/friends spread the word (when someone asks where you are registered or what to buy) "they have everything they need in their home but they are saving for xxx."

LindsayHallerToBe

My FI actual had a somewhat similar response initially. We will be in his two-bedroom apartment when we're married for maybe a year or a little less until we buy our first home. He thought things like china were unnecessary because we "have no place to put them." I explained that all such items though are expensive and would be needed when we had a house and it would be astronomically costly if we bought ALL those things on our own later down the line. It's important that you two create your own little nest together with (sorry to sound cliche) gifts purchased lovingly by dear family and friends who want to help you start your new life together. Soon enough, my FI realized that the pots and pans set I had frankensteined together in college and given him to use to hold him over were not going to cut it for much longer. This is the time to welcome the "nice stuff" that will last you into many years of marriage. As far as the charity aspect goes, I have been to weddings recently where guests received a note that instead of a favor, a donation was made to XYZ charity in their name. Who could ever argue with that? Good luck!

banana468

The difference with donating to a charity is that the couple decided to do that - however I also don't completely agree with the idea that giving to charity is in lieu of a favor and that it should be broadcast to the guests.  When the couple ask their guests to donate to a charity, they're asking for money and that's VERY sticky.Beyond that, what if the guest hates the charity?

ffmaid

If you were my friend and did not register you woudl either get a bunch of really nice baking pans or a waterford vase depending on which I thought you would like more. I would not give you cash unless you were so poor as to really need it. ( like just out of high school no jobs) and I would not donate to charity in your name as that is not really a gift to you. I would be offended if you did not appreciate and use my gift/gifts. Honestly failing to graciously accept what people want to give you shows a lack of graciousness that is apauling. So if you do not register be prepared for many people to give you gifts like *I would and to expect you to use and love these items

sduncans09

we went to a wedding in which the bride and groom sent with their invitations a note saying "please do not buy us gifts, we have everything we need".  now, it was a rather alternative couple and wedding....as were most of their friends so nobody thought twice about it.  it was a refreshing sentiment... though it felt weird to show up without a gift.   if you all come from traditional families you may reconsider for their sake... everybody needs sheets and towels and stuff!  it might be easier to just do it to avoid the hassle from the family.

Deidra123

That last quote sounded like your FI was throwing a temper tantrum.  Wow.  Just tell him ok and then make a really long list of all of the sheets and towels, etc. that you need to buy.  I'm sure you need the really plush Egyptian cotton towels and the 600 thread count sheet sets, right?  10 sets of towels and 10 sets of sheets will be about 1.5-2K.  Tell him you're going out to buy it, since you guys can buy your own.  Then add on some fine china and a couple of dinnerware sets.  Another 1K, at least.Some people have to learn the hard way.  Sounds like your stubborn FI is one of them.

HilaryH1231

atlcatlover, I like the idea of a red wine shower--although in my case, in would be a white wine shower Or even a cooking-themed shower, since both FI and I love to cook, and everyone could bring over a favorite dish and a recipe. I do understand those of you who have said that a charity registry is basically asking people for money, and in addition, they may not agree with the charity (although I don't know anyone who would protest a charity helping kids or fighting famine or something like that--but I can see how certain charities we might pick could be controversial). Deidra123, unfortunately that plan will not work, as he is fully prepared to spend much more than that if necessary so that I "can have whatever house stuff I want" without needing to revert to a registry. Thanks to his job, he does have the ability--we have the ability, I guess, since our money will be shared?--to spend at least that much. Which opens up another question, brought up by someone else in this thread. Is a registry wrong/improper if a person makes enough money that they would easily be able to buy all those things themselves? I know the registry is also a way for people to show that they are happy for the couple and a way for them to symbolically help them start their new life together. BUt if the couple is fully able to do this--even able to buy all the nice upgrades that are recommended if they already live together--should they then reconsider a registry?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Which opens up another question, brought up by someone else in this thread. Is a registry wrong/improper if a person makes enough money that they would easily be able to buy all those things themselves? I know the registry is also a way for people to show that they are happy for the couple and a way for them to symbolically help them start their new life together. BUt if the couple is fully able to do this--even able to buy all the nice upgrades that are recommended if they already live together--should they then reconsider a registry?Honestly, it would be off-putting if someone requested big ticket wish items that were completely out of the realm of possibility if they were to want to buy them on their own. Think of what your house would look like. Like you were living beyond your means. Sure, it's great to have nice stuff, but I'm not going to go out and suggest my friends and family pitch in to buy me a Baroque marble Italian fountain for my foyer. Especially since I don't have a foyer. Listen, a registry is to tell people what your taste is (forest green sheets vs. ivory sheets), what sizes you need (10 towels? King size sheets?), what you like to do (cook, camp, paint). That way they aren't groping blindly in the dark for what to buy. Some people are better at buying gifts than others. My FSIL is great at gift giving. I tend to be terrible. Which is unfortunate since my FMIL is very particular about what you give her as a present...If you don't register (which is totally an option - I'm not) people will either give you cash/checks, or something they pick out on their own. Which could be surprisingly thoughtful and adorable or godawful. If you are the kind of people who roll with the punches and would laugh rather than be angry over a really, really ugly vase, I'd just not to bother to register. Or register for a small amount of stuff you want for your shower, then cancel the registry after the shower.

sweetadventure

How does your fiance feel about giving other people wedding gifts?  Tell him to think of a shower as a birthday party of sorts for the start of your life together.  Like at a birthday party, you may not need a gift but friends love to give you one. 

DuckyKissy

Perhaps you can compensate by smaller gifts, so that he doesn't feel people are 'wasting a ton of money on stuff that you guys can readily buy yourselves,' but guests feel included?