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Traditional Gift Registries vs Monetary Gift Registries

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Re: Traditional Gift Registries vs Monetary Gift Registries

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    Retreat Bride, didn't you ' highly recommend Miss Manners "On Weddings" and Emily Post for all matters pertaining to wedding etiquette'If you look at the article, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette doyenne Emily Post...Ms. Anna Post...had something to say on Brides.com....so are you telling me that I should listen to the Emily Post of the world or not.  Anna Post doesn't see anything wrong with sharing her point of view with Brides.comAnd that is usually how many etiquette expert or any expert for that matter get their views across...to put it in a magazine where people like us read about stuff that we are currently discussing.
    A happy newlywed...now time to start a family!
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    well retread...we don't have to be in Haiti for there to be Haitians here in America. And they don't have to be in Haiti to continue to celebrate their culture...especially at a wedding. What is the American culture and what is it comprised of?I'm pretty sure there have been hundreds of scholars debating this question for years. America is a country filled with different people from different cultures. A culture of sub-cultures. If someone has a problem with how i celebrate my culture at my wedding, i don't want them there, plain and simple. But i know that all my guests are open minded people and respect the fact that there will be different culture's other than their own.
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    @retreadand we are brought back to square one where i stated that the bride and groom are also guests (atleast we will be at our wedding...the wedding planners will take over host duties on the day of)traditionally, the bride and groom were not the host. The parents of the bride were the host. The sent the invitations and they paid for the wedding. Now that more brides and grooms are paying for it themselves....i typed it all in a previous post... i'm to lazy to type it again lol
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    I still think that etiquette and culture are getting mixed up here.  Yes, etiquette varies by culture.  If FI & I were planning our wedding in FMIL's culture, I would have a very different set of etiquette rules to go by.  Probably the same if we were to plan the wedding in my mother's culture.  However, we were raised in American culture and not strongly exposed to our mothers' cultures.If a majority of your guests are going to be Mexican Catholics, sure, go ahead and plan according to Mexican Catholic etiquette.  I think it's definitely okay to go with your culture's etiquette if it is the culture of most of your guests, particularly in immigrant families and families that held strongly to their culture in everyday life for generations.If most of your guest list is not of one culture with specific etiquette rules, err on the side of caution and follow the Miss Manners/Emily Post type etiquette or your country's etiquette gurus.  The US sub-cultures, for the most part, aren't different enough to have different etiquette, IMO.  Sometimes things are regionally acceptable that go against etiquette, though. 
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    Obiang - No problem. Glad i could help in anyway. I'd like to see your honeyfund too if i could. I haven't put mine together (won't do it till we book the cruise) but i like seeing examples of what different brides picked out. this is my last post of the night however. I could talk forever but I can't possibly type anymore, my hand is seriously cramping. lolso goodnight to you all. I'll be back to the boards tomorrow :)
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    I don't think i can post anymore on this thread topic, because i'm just starting to repeat the same things and answering the same questions. BUT, gottahaveashorti-you proved my point. You said yourself that your fmil's rules of etiquette in her culture would be different than the general rules you follow. If you choose to move away from all culture and tradition at your wedding, then that's your prerogative. But i know alot of people actually who look forward to having this chance, their wedding, to embrace their cultures. And as a guest, you have to respect that, period. Or you don't go.As for the mexican catholic comment. I also stated before that this is the exact reason why we can't aim to please everyone. Because our guests and families will be such a mixed bag of cultures, it is IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE EVERYONE. We won't even know a handful of our guests till they get there because we are giving some leway to allow a couple of people to bring a guest of guest. There is no set of etiquette rules that apply to everyone. Too many different types of people. And you create the social setting at your own wedding. If you have finger food as the main course, that's your choice. You don't have to follow what is standard "american culture" when it comes to your wedding. It's truly what you decide.I'm going to follow as many universal rules of etiquette that i possibly can but if it comes down to any conflict, i'm going to choose my opinion over everyone elses. I can only hope no one gets offended. But if they do, i don't think they are even the type of people i would want in my wedding.I hope they choose to not come.
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    If "embrace their culture" is the same as "embrace their etiquette," that = Invite everyone we never knew who may be distantly related by marriage, or by marriage to relatives related by marriage, or whom we have ever met.  And then, if they are a relative, they do not have the choice about whether they come.  They must.  But we have hardly anyone from that culture on the guest list, so it's irrelevant.There's also a difference between that and following cultural traditions like having a ring bearer, cord ceremony, and men in the wedding party wearing traditional shirts.  I don't believe any of those are related to etiquette.In the case of conflicting etiquette if you are trying to follow multiple countries' etiquette, look for ways to reconcile them. Or try to decide which will be seen as less offensive to most of your guests.
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    In the case of conflicting etiquette if you are trying to follow multiple countries' etiquette, look for ways to reconcile them. Or try to decide which will be seen as less offensive to most of your guests. that is exactly what i was trying to say and exactly what i plan on doing. It is also the advice that i gave to the OP. If you feel that most of your guests would be offended by it, then don't do it. But if not, then go for it. plain and simple. you don't have to please everyone, just try and please most and yourself.
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    ::facepalm::
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    No. But, if my dining partner sticks their finger up their nose at the table (and is over the age of 12), then I'm offended, regardless of if I am eating at the finger food restaurant or Red Lobster. LMAOThat has absolutely nothing to do with the discussion or the point of my post. Pretty funny tho.The debate is not about whether etiquette exists. And i do believe that there are universal rules that apply to most cultures and types of people.I don't think wedding registries are one of them. But picking your nose (regardless of if you are eating finger food or not) is definitely on of those universal etiquette no-no's.
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    lol. This topic is the current topic of 6 different threads throughout the knot. There are multiple wedding articles of experts arguing this topic. If that's not proof enough that monetary registries are not a universal no-no, i don't know what is. Whether it is right or wrong, is just your personal opinion. No amount of debating is going to change that.
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    Babygurl, there's a HUGE difference between wedding expert and etiquette expert.  And then there is also a huge difference between real wedding expert and ACTUAL wedding expert.A wedding expert ideally but does not always know and advise based on proper etiquette.  S/he advises based on trends.  Trends can be popular but that doesn't mean that they're appropriate.After all, there was a trend a few years ago of celebrities wearing very short skirts as they exited their vehicles to reveal...everything.  That's by no means appropriate but it sure was popular.Susie Orman can advise a ton of financial advice but that doesn't mean that she knows etiquette. 
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    Also, the point isn't whether or not many on TK find then right or wrong.  The issue is that many OUTSIDE TK find that they're inappropriate.There's nothing wrong with saying, "Oh I don't think they have a registry but I do believe they're saving for a down payment for a home," but there is something wrong with outright asking for cash donations.
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    a cash registry is not asking for money...it's wishing for money. And the point wasn't about who is debating it. It was about the fact that it's even being debated at all. Universal no-no's are things that usually aren't questioned... they are just known and followed... Unless you can show me some article on the debate of nose picking. "this is the song that doesn't end! yes it goes on and on my friend!..."
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    I find it an insult to the intelligence of the guests to have a cash registry.  Everyone can use money.  Money as a gift for a major life event is nearly always gladly accepted.  They can figure out on their own that the couple wishes for money.  A cash registry makes it look like the guests can't come to that conclusion independently.  Versus a store registry, where my guests probably don't know what kind of pots I would actively use (copper or copper core) vs what kind I would promptly donate to charity (non-stick) or the fact that I wish for half decent pots since I enjoy cooking.There's also no need to worry about preventing duplicate gifts when giving cash.  Registries are for those who do not wish to give cash, so that they can find something the couple would like rather than a white elephant gift while preventing the couple from receiving repeat gifts.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_traditional-gift-registries-vs-monetary-gift-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:10489540Post:62801661">Traditional Gift Registries vs Monetary Gift Registries</a>:
    [QUOTE]If a friend said this to me: "I don't want you to give me a gift. I don't need a gift. I need money. That's what I want, and that's what I need. I don't think it's rude or blunt to say so, and we're friends. We know each other, so there's no reason why you should mind that. What's wrong with my saying that I know that you're going to get me a present, and that I want it to be cash? There's no reason you should mind that because we are friends, and if you do, then you can just not come to my wedding. If you, my friend, are that pissed off, then I don't want you at my reception anyway."I would take that to mean that my friend sees me as a cash cow and that she doesn't care about how I feel at all, and I'd go home and re-think my relationship with that person.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Thats why it's in the form of a registry. So you don't have to ask. And you don't have to be given a gift. If they see the registry or hear about it through word of mouth, they can choose to give to it or don't.

    If i heard about a fund that a friend of mine was putting together, but she didn't ask me to give to it and she modestly didn't tell me about it, i would give to it.

    a wedding fund, i may not give just money to. But that's my choice. I'm not offended that the option is there. If i don't know the couple as well, i may give money to it...just because i don't care as much about the gift that i give them.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_traditional-gift-registries-vs-monetary-gift-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:10489540Post:62780966">Traditional Gift Registries vs Monetary Gift Registries</a>:
    [QUOTE]That has absolutely nothing to do with the discussion or the point of my post. Pretty funny tho......But picking your nose (regardless of if you are eating finger food or not) is definitely on of those universal etiquette no-no's. And yet it DOES apply to the discussion, and you just explained how yourself.  I DO think directly asking for cash in any shape form or fashion is a universal no-no.  I have never met anyone from any culture where they encourage and celebrate people asking others for money.  If you can find me this culture, and track said culture's population in America, England, and other countries where wedding registries are popular to prove that it coincides with areas of the world who participate in registries, then I will concede this argument.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    African culture (specifically ghana i think but i'm not 100 percent). The bring money to the wedding. Couples don't have to ask because it's expected. But a monetary registry would be helpful for those invited guests who can't make it but want to send some money to the couple.

    and a dollar dance. That is asking for money. But it's culturally accepted in certain areas and certain cultures such as the mexican culture.

    ...i thought i already said that
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_traditional-gift-registries-vs-monetary-gift-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:10489540Post:62785912">Traditional Gift Registries vs Monetary Gift Registries</a>:
    [QUOTE]I find it an insult to the intelligence of the guests to have a cash registry.  Everyone can use money.  Money as a gift for a major life event is nearly always gladly accepted.  They can figure out on their own that the couple wishes for money.  A cash registry makes it look like the guests can't come to that conclusion independently.  Versus a store registry, where my guests probably don't know what kind of pots I would actively use (copper or copper core) vs what kind I would promptly donate to charity (non-stick) or the fact that I wish for half decent pots since I enjoy cooking.There's also no need to worry about preventing duplicate gifts when giving cash.  Registries are for those who do not wish to give cash, so that they can find something the couple would like rather than a white elephant gift while preventing the couple from receiving repeat gifts.
    Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

    I don't feel it is an insult at all. If anything, i find it a compliment lol. Goes to show that the couple thinks that most of thier guests are internet savvy enough to forego the hassle of checks or cash through the mail.

    which goes back to the debate of whether cash registries are helpful or not. Which for all the reasons i named throught this thread, i feel that they can be very helpful.

    and traditional registries are there for more than just an alternative to money. it has been argued back and forth what registries are really for. and on this thread alone, i have heard about 10 different reasons from a bunch of different girls.
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    Wow, hot topic! 

    My FH and I have set up both types of registries -- a Honeyfund but also a small traditional registry.  I recognize that not all of my guests will feel comfortable giving money as a gift, and that is fine.

    However, we have already lived together for two years and have a quite small apartment while I am in graduate school.  Not only do I not NEED fine china, I don't have anywhere to put it!  I think it would be MORE offensive to create a registry of gifts I don't need and will not use that it is to use the Honeyfund.

    My plan?  I'm going to send photos from the Honeymoon as a thank-you to everyone who contributes to the Honeyfund.
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    I think the wedding day, is all about the bride and groom. If guests don't like the fact that you are asking for money or the fact that you put "no children in the reception please", then they don't have to come. My fiance and I are doing a monetary fund and I have been spreading the word with my friends for a few months now and even long distance relatives that are coming everyone has accepted the idea wonderfully. Our wedding is in July 2010 and in February we are sending our save the date magnets along with our fund information so that they can start making deposits. If I don't get a dime from them, I would not be upset, but I'l rather get nothing then get something I don't like or need.  I think traditions are important if they are important to you. Being a virgin was part of the tradition many years ago but im pretty sure that many of the people posting on this forum did not follow that tradition and the world still kept moving, because is not about traditions but about the happiness of the two people about to share thier lives together. 
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