Registering after a tragedy

mparkes

I've been engaged for about 16 months. About 8 months ago, our apartment burned down. The entire building was engulfed in flames and we lost everything we own (even our wedding rings) as well as our puppy who was our entire world. We didn't have renters insurance at the time (we had just applied the week before...)
So, my parents and my FIs parents told us to register for ANYTHING we want. They said that's what we are suppose to do anyways, but they wanted us to include some of the items that we lost. So, thats what we did. However my MOH is hearing people say that we shouldn't be registering for some of the things we lost in the fire because the fire and the wedding are separate events. Should I remove some of the things in the registry?

jessicabessica

I am so sorry for your loss.  

I would say that you should register for the household things that you need--so if you used to have sheets and dishes, but they were destroyed, add those to the list.  The main thing for registries is that the items should help you and your FI start your lives together and be things you will both use, or at least both get enjoyment from.  It doesn't matter why you don't have the items.

However, if your MOH is telling you that your friends and family are put off by your registries, maybe you can keep a list of all the things you'd like, but keep the registry a little smaller.  Put your top priority items on first, and then add more as things are purchased.  Again, I don't think you need to do this, but it's just meant as a suggestion if you are concerned about what you're hearing.  

mparkes

It isn't even tvs or anything huge (in my opinion). Its items such as a ipod and a dvd player. Also, a couple end tables, some wall decor, rugs, plates, lots of kitchen utensils, new bathroom decor, etc.
I'm just not sure how to feel about the reactions I keep hearing. :-/

LeiselEB

My house burned down my senior year of high school, so I know how you feel. Its a tough thing to go through, and I'm so sorry. I would go ahead and add all housewares (kitchen items, dishes, sheets, towels, etc) and maybe rugs, picture frames, and end tables. Too much furniture might be weird, but I think people will just not buy you those items if they have a problem with it. Go ahead and add bigger things if you'd be getting a completion discount - I bet most people would understand that you need these items and plan on buying them if guests don't. Hope everything works out for you, fires are awful

BTCarolus

Presumably your registry is rather long because it's doing double duty as a list of all the things you now need to replace. Maybe ask your MOH to tell people who complain to her that you certainly don't expect to receive everything and to point out the fact that you need a record of what you lost and now need to replace. The registry was just a convenient way to do that, and why make the list twice? They can just look around the weirder items, understanding the circumstances. (I'm assuming that you haven't put any clothes onto it, that's pretty much against etiquette with few exceptions (lingerie), and so would def put people off, even with a fire.)

Also, I'm so sorry about the loss of your home and especially your dog.

HobokensFury

I'm sorry for you loss but I would side eye an ipod on a registry as well.

AmandaLynn920

I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Don't let other people's snarky comments bother you, you have much more on your plate to deal with right now. 
That being said....I would leave off anything that isn't absolutely necessary.  Get your dishes, linens, etc taken care of first.

Maybe have a "Housewarming" when you get settled into your new place for other items...

jmconley08

Register for what you want and need. Some people might think my almost $200 frying pan is silly but it's what I want/will use. Like others said, they dont have to get it if they don't want but in your special circumstance I think that'd be a good gift!

ceh789

Is your registry unusually large given the size of your wedding?  The only thing I can think is that if you're inviting 50 guests and have 500 items on your registry I might be put off.  If your registry is "too big" maybe go in and pare it back some with more of an eye to needs instead of needs and wants?

And I'm so sorry about your dog.  Every time I hear of a house/apartment fire my heart just breaks for people who lose their pets.

Flowerstar1023

That's horrible. I'm so sorry for your losses! It would be incredibly difficult to start over and lose a beloved pet, especially during a time that's supposed to incorporate a lot of happiness.

Personally, I say *&^% them if people are offended by you registering for housewares that you need to replace. The registry is supposed to be for things you want, not what your guests perceive as good versus bad items. How is an ipod any less logical than a set of expensive china? While I likely wouldn't buy you an ipod on your registry, I wouldn't be offended to see it there. I would be disappointed to find out that I bought you something you're never planning on using just because you thought you needed more traditional items on your registry.

Register for whatever. Use those completion discounts and avoid the insensitive snarky comments!

AurorasEnvy

So sorry to hear about the fire.

I agree with (most) PPs - register for what you guys want.  People don't have to buy you anything off the registry.  I might question some of the items like an iPod under "normal" circumstances, but I think you guys are in a different situation as you literally lost everything.  I don't think it is a big deal to register for larger items like TVs and furniture - I have a couple of pricey items on my registry, not because I think people will by them for us, but because after the wedding is over we'll get a registry discount when we go to buy it.  Plus, I think guests like to see what their money/gift cards will be going towards.  A registry is for things you guys want/need, so I don't see how the fire wouldn't affect that.

I'd forget about what other people are possibly saying - I'd feel pretty guilty for talking sh#t about your registry knowing what you guys went through!

mparkes

Thanks ladies! Our guest list is at about 200 and here is a link to our registry. I don't think its all that bad. I just think people can be snotty sometimes. I just wanted an outside point of view

http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/regGiftRegistry.asp?wrn=-616328329&

We also have a smaller Target registry which has about 80 items.

Coghoot12

The whole point of a registry is to suggest gifts.  Guests don't have to buy off the registry nor do they have to give a gift at all. 

I don't see anything totally offensive on the registry you created.  The only thing I can think to explain the "registry snarking" may be that different circles may have different views on what should be registered for.  I know my FI's family thought my registering for Waterford pieces was crazy but for my family that is routine.  It doesn't make either opinion right or wrong but sometimes reasonable minds can differ.

That being said, I'm so sad for your puppy.  Best of luck in rebuilding your home and family!

mfeo24

I am so sorry for your loss, one of my biggest fears is losing our doggie

That is a big registry, but most items seem perfectly reasonable. If you do feel the need to pare it down there are a few "wants" like the wine chiller and coffee accessories (although maybe those are your needs ) that you could remove. If it were me, I would definately do that and put necessities first so you don't end up with a cake dome (what is a corn stripper??), but no bakeware or utensils.

reggiesmommy

I am so sorry for your loss.  I think you should do what your parents have suggested.  The people who care enough about you to buy a gift for you want to see you back on your feet and happy - if that means buying an ipod, or a random gadget, so be it! 

Personally, if I was invited to a loved one's shower and this happened to them, I would gladly buy them something "fun" to try to put a smile on their face!  

harpsdesire

Sorry for you loss.

As for what you registered for, I think it's fine.  Although I probably wouldn't want to give someone one of the less traditional items myself, I wouldn't side-eye the registry.  Also?  Motion activated candy dispensor?!?  Getting all the candy out would be my exersize for the day.