Texas-Dallas and Ft. Worth

Ceremony Help

My FI and I are currently having a difficult time coming to a compromise on the wording of the Ceremony. We are having the owner of the facility do our Ceremony (because it was part of our package) however we are running into is the fact that HIM and HIS family have to have it WAY religious. ME and MY family are NOT religious and do not want it TOO religious.

Does anyone have any wording that either they are going to use or have used that might help be a good 'middle' for us? Any suggestion or help would be great!

Re: Ceremony Help

  • Does the person doing your ceremony have any "sample ceremonies" that he can have you read?
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  • Is there a specific part that you need help with or is the entire thing too religious for your taste?  We are not overly religious and while we wanted some of our faith in the ceremony, we did not want to be inundated with it.  We sent drafts back and forth to our officiant (personal friend that is a reverend) via e-mail until we came up with something that both parties could be happy with.
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  • So, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it is not about HIM or YOU.  It is about BOTH of you.  I would suggest sitting down and going over the "religious parts" that make you uncomfortable and go from there to try to find a compromise.

    I hate to say it but differences over religion don't just go away once you are married.  I hope you guys can work this out.
    Anniversary

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  • Yea, the Officiate sent us a few samples and I chose the one that was most religious because it had words in there like God and Heaven and then I added a Prayer and Scripture Reading. But FI and HIS parents think it is not enough.

    I guess I am just not sure where else to go on it.....fustrated. :-)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_ceremony-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:c8ea61b9-ae26-451a-b328-a46c95415da6Post:dde8904c-4635-47b5-a37f-c0803cb20912">Re: Ceremony Help</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it is not about HIM or YOU.  It is about BOTH of you.  I would suggest sitting down and going over the "religious parts" that make you uncomfortable and go from there to try to find a compromise. I hate to say it but differences over religion don't just go away once you are married.  I hope you guys can work this out.
    Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>All of this is a very good point.  H is a little more religious than I am.  I would have been okay with it being geared more in that direction if that's what he had wanted because its who he is.  Our personalities and beliefs down to every detail don't have to match 100% -- we are different and that's a great thing.  But we do have to know how to compromise and respect and understand each other's feelings and what is important to one another.</div>
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  • Trust me I totally agree.....it should be between ME and HIM but HIS parents asked the one thing about the wedding and that is to have the ceremony religious.

    Right now he thinks that having 6 times the word God used plus a Prayer and Scripture reading is not enough. He wants to have the word Christ in there. But I feel the opposite.
  • fallbride1109fallbride1109 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_ceremony-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:c8ea61b9-ae26-451a-b328-a46c95415da6Post:bdc11519-98e9-4837-a944-08ec8cd26443">Re: Ceremony Help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yea, the Officiate sent us a few samples and I chose the one that was most religious because it had words in there like God and Heaven and then I added a Prayer and Scripture Reading. But FI and HIS parents think it is not enough. I guess I am just not sure where else to go on it.....fustrated. :-)
    Posted by Meli.Mel[/QUOTE]

    What else are they wanting--have they said anything specific? 

    ETA: Oh, Ok sorry.  I had an interfaith wedding and I agree it can be tricky but it can certainly be done.  And while I agree with Amanda, you should both feel comfortable with what is said.

    Is there some reason you are uncomfortable if you don't mind me asking?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_ceremony-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:c8ea61b9-ae26-451a-b328-a46c95415da6Post:e5d39f81-f833-4a0b-b19f-de590fc052ef">Re: Ceremony Help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Trust me I totally agree.....it should be between ME and HIM but HIS parents asked the one thing about the wedding and that is to have the ceremony religious. Right now he thinks that having 6 times the word God used plus a Prayer and Scripture reading is not enough. He wants to have the word Christ in there. But I feel the opposite.
    Posted by Meli.Mel[/QUOTE]

    I mean, it's not a buzzword kind of thing.  The number of times "God" is mentioned does not equal a religious ceremony or a somehow "more holy" marriage.  It's about the vows made before God (or not, depending on how you look at it).

    Are you writing your own vows?  Could your FI incorporate what he wants in his vows?

    I guess you're going to have to really discuss WHY the inclusion or exclusion of religion is important to both of you, and realize that compromise is the key here.  You sound like you are being open to his wishes, so I certainly hope he's not totally trying to steamroll you.

    I'm also really not a lot of help.  We're Catholic, so religion, God, and Jesus were all up in our ceremony.  :p
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_ceremony-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:c8ea61b9-ae26-451a-b328-a46c95415da6Post:bdc11519-98e9-4837-a944-08ec8cd26443">Re: Ceremony Help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yea, the Officiate sent us a few samples and I chose the one that was most religious because it had words in there like God and Heaven and then I added a Prayer and Scripture Reading. But FI and HIS parents think it is not enough. I guess I am just not sure where else to go on it.....fustrated. :-)
    Posted by Meli.Mel[/QUOTE]

    I think you and your FI need to sit down and figure out what exactly you both want included in the ceremony. If what the officiant has provided isn't religious enough, <strong>ask your FI and his family what more they would like to have</strong>. Simply adding God and Heaven may not be what satisfies them. Maybe they would like a form of communion or homily/sermon included in the service. If any of that goes against what you believe, you will want to bring that up, but sitting down with your officiant after you've done your due dilligence will help steer him/her in the right direction when putting all of your suggestions together to form the layout of the ceremony itself.
    This will be a very important conversation to have--going into this with an open mind is really the best suggestion I can give.
  • edited May 2012
    H grew up going to church every Sunday. I had never been to church and most religious things make my parents uncomfortable.

    But, his religion is important to my H and having a religious wedding meant having our marraige blessed. If we'd had to do a JOP wedding for some reason beforehand, he'd still have needed to have our marriage blessed in our church to make it feel 'complete' as a marraige. That is just what he has always believed.

    Obviously, if you are adament about not believing in religion or the wording contradicts something you believe, that's a different story, but my general advice still stands: sit down and talk to your FI. Discuss what is truly important to the two of you. Go over the samples you got and discuss what you like/dislike about them. Compromise if you can. Concede on things that are important to him, and have him concede on things that are important to you. One small example: we got to choose a few passages in our ceremony. I wanted the "Love is Patient, Love Is Kind" one, but H doesn't like it and says it's overdone, trite, etc. I told him that the rest of the ceremony was kind of "his style" and this was the one thing I wanted (I think it's pretty!). So he put it in, and not one more word was spoken about it.

    Neither of us parents had any say whatsoever in the ceremony. I don't know if this sounds insensitive, but I did not consider their feelings in this. I knew my parents would deal with their mild discomfort for a 45-minute wedding ceremony.
  • Yea, I think by what you girls are saying.....I need to sit down with FI and us go thru what we want and do not want in the Ceremony....word for word.

    I do not want it to religious but I am willing to come to the middle. The probliem I am dealing with is FI and HIS family want it WAY religious which is NOT what I want.

    This will be a fun convo to have....urgh.
  • I feel like part of the issue is going to be that for many people, there is no "middle ground" with regards to how religious a ceremony is.  I'm not saying you have to be the only one to bend -- your FI had to have known your opinions prior to getting on one knee, so he had to know this was going to come up, you know what I mean?

    This seems like a really sticky situation and I do no envy you!  Again, I hope you can work it out!
    Anniversary

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_ceremony-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:c8ea61b9-ae26-451a-b328-a46c95415da6Post:9d15fa15-1598-4dec-98a0-5aa1c5f17e72">Re: Ceremony Help</a>:
    [QUOTE] Neither of our parents had any say whatsoever in the ceremony. I don't know if this sounds insensitive, but I did not consider their feelings in this. I knew my parents would deal with their mild discomfort for a 45-minute wedding ceremony.
    Posted by MarieSD[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm in this camp right here.  We did not consult either of our parents in our ceremony wording.  To be fair, they didn't really ask, though, but it's just not something that even crossed my mind to ask them.  They are our vows, not the vows of his parents or my parents.  I wanted the ceremony to mean something to US because it was the beginning of our marriage.  I agree with PP to sit down and talk with FI and his parents and ask them what else they would like to see in the ceremony to make it as religious as theyd like for it to be.  At that time, if they want something that you are entirely uncomfortable with, you can voice that and see if you can find a good compromise. </div>
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  • courtski2004courtski2004 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_ceremony-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:c8ea61b9-ae26-451a-b328-a46c95415da6Post:73201fd5-d68b-405b-a1c3-29b2131d8c54">Re: Ceremony Help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yea, I think by what you girls are saying.....I need to sit down with FI and us go thru what we want and do not want in the Ceremony....word for word. I do not want it to religious but I am willing to come to the middle. The probliem I am dealing with is FI and HIS family want it WAY religious which is NOT what I want. <strong>This will be a fun convo to have....urgh.
    </strong>Posted by Meli.Mel[/QUOTE]

    Marriage is chock full of difficult conversations. I'm certain that this isn't the first, nor the last conversation had between you and your future husband that will not be easy. Vows have been revised for years. When my parents got married, the traditional vow was 'honor and obey' and my husband and I compromised to omit 'obey' since it sounded outdated. It isn't that we won't obey eachother, but it sounded like we were eachothers servants so we changed it to 'honor and respect'. It doesn't seem like you and your FI are having trouble with small wording of that nature--the discrepancies are much deeper and the words and their meaning are significant to him and his family.
  • You need to find out what your FI wants not what his family wants.  My FI is fairly religious and comes from a VERY religious family, but I am not.  He had to stand up for me and us in many instances because it was about us and not his family.  If your FI is okay with the way the ceremony is then he needs to have a backbone and tell his family that.

    My husband wanted some religion and it can make me uncomfortable if it is too much so we talked long and hard about it and came to an agreement.  He wanted some sort of prayer or blessing in it,  but I have never prayed before in my life, so I was uncomfortable "faking it" during my ceremony.  It took me really looking within and realizing I am not faking it but instead me being a big girl long enough to let my husband have something that was very important to him.  We then didnt have a prayer before dinner (which is a big no no to his family), but he felt it was more important to bless our marriage than our food.

    I guess my advice is to really talk through it like others have said and both of you need to put you big kid pants on and do what you need to for the other to be happy (you maybe give in a little and him stand up to his parents).
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