Cultural weddings and different gifting traditions

unchatenfrance

I have been reading many of the posts about "polite" ways (of which there are none) of asking for money, etc. In many European cultures - Eastern Europe especially - cash is the standard gift. The rationale is that gifts are impractical and frivolous, whereas money is decidedly more useful and valuable. Traditionally close family will purchase big-ticket items for the couple's house but virtually all other invitees give cashwith the understanding on both sides that this money is not to be used on frivolity, but that the couple would set it aside for a downpayment, car, baby's college fund, etc.

For those of you who have said you are uncomforable giving cash, if you were to be invited to a cultural Eastern European wedding with no registry, would you still be uncomforable giving cash? Would you see this as tastless or offensive in any way? Do you react differently when an "average" North American couple 'asks' for cash versus a cultural wedding with different traditions? I am just curious.

ceh789

For those of you who have said you are uncomforable giving cash, if you were to be invited to a cultural Eastern European wedding with no registry, would you still be uncomforable giving cash?

Yes, and I wouldn't give cash. Just because your tradition is to receive cash as a wedding gift, I'm not obligated to participate in that tradition.

Would you see this as tastless or offensive in any way?

See what?  Asking for cash or not registering?  I don't believe that the cultural norm in Eastern Europe is to demand cash as a gift - I believe that the norm there, like here, is to not mention gifts at all.  The difference is that here, the norm on receiving an invitation is to look for a registry and there it's to not bother and write a check.  I don't see not registering as offensive - I see it as inconveniant because I have to think harder about what gift the couple would enjoy, but it's certainly not rude.

Do you react differently when an "average" North American couple 'asks' for cash versus a cultural wedding with different traditions?

No.  I am offended when anyone demands money from me using the ruse of inviting me to celebrate their wedding.

unchatenfrance

Thank you for your input! I enjoy getting different perspectives on things. But just to clarify, I never said that the norm in Eastern Europe is to "demand cash" as a gift - the norm is to give cash as a gift.

BTCarolus

There's a huge difference between an American couple literally asking for cash, and a general Eastern European cultural expectation that wedding guests bring cash. Czech couples don't make registries that specify 800 crowns as the lowest acceptable gift, the way that a cash or honeymoon or gift card registry does. The guests just know to show up with cash, because they always do.

Presumably most people here who prefer not to give cash would, if invited to an Eastern European wedding in Eastern Europe, bring a cash gift.

Avion22

I prefer not to give cash, but I don't have a problem doing it.  I find it incredibly rude when people ASK for cash.  I don't have any problem with GIVING cash being a cultural norm in some places.  If I went to an Eastern European wedding, and I knew that cash was a customary gift, I would give cash.   

unchatenfrance

That's what I was thinking too, Carolus! I am just puzzled because the same people who have told me they are "uncomfortable" giving or receiving cash as wedding gifts seem to be fine with stag and does. "Uncomforable" giving or receiving cash but fine with being milked for petty cash with awkward 'games'? I don't get it!

BTCarolus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_cultural-weddings-and-different-gifting-traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:38468ed3-cd69-4ea7-b928-5a3780501ee0Post:4dc9dc4c-26e5-4812-809b-67ae6013e1e1">Re: Cultural weddings and different gifting traditions</a>:
[QUOTE] the same people who have told me they are "uncomfortable" giving or receiving cash as wedding gifts seem to be fine with stag and does. "Uncomforable" giving or receiving cash but fine with being milked for petty cash with awkward 'games'?
Posted by unchatenfrance[/QUOTE]
Are you talking about a specifically British or Canadian bach party tradition? I've never heard of this, and if you look more around this site, you'll find traditions like "the dollar dance" and "wishing wells" are frowned on as well.

hoffse

Stags and Does aren't cool.  Neither is asking for cash.  If  a couple wants to give cash that's perfectly fine.  Giving and asking are two different things, and you seem confused by that.  I know plenty of people who are comfortable giving cash but would never ask for it to be given to them.  That, I think, is the difference.

unchatenfrance

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_cultural-weddings-and-different-gifting-traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:38468ed3-cd69-4ea7-b928-5a3780501ee0Post:ae5dbc41-2521-4b3a-9092-510e8db2eade">Re: Cultural weddings and different gifting traditions</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cultural weddings and different gifting traditions : Are you talking about a specifically British or Canadian bach party tradition? I've never heard of this, and if you look more around this site, you'll find traditions like "the dollar dance" and "wishing wells" are frowned on as well.
Posted by BTCarolus[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, apparently stag and does are an Ontario thing. I never heard of them until I came to Canada and a friend of mine from another part of Canada said she never heard of them either until she came to Ontario! IMO I think they are the tackiest thing ever. It's basically a joint stag and doe party that the bride's parents usually organize. You sell tickets, you can invite people you will not be inviting to the wedding (experienced first-hand by yours truly), and play all sorts of "games" (ie. put money in either the bride and groom's jar and whoever has more money at the end of the night gets a pie in the face) to make money. Incredibly awkward and tasteless, as far as I am concerned.</div>

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_cultural-weddings-and-different-gifting-traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:38468ed3-cd69-4ea7-b928-5a3780501ee0Post:08192069-95e1-44cd-b23c-ba3070885754">Re: Cultural weddings and different gifting traditions</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cultural weddings and different gifting traditions : Yeah, apparently stag and does are an Ontario thing. I never heard of them until I came to Canada and a friend of mine from another part of Canada said she never heard of them either until she came to Ontario! IMO I think they are the tackiest thing ever. It's basically a joint stag and doe party that the bride's parents usually organize. You sell tickets, you can invite people you will not be inviting to the wedding (experienced first-hand by yours truly), and play all sorts of "games" (ie. put money in either the bride and groom's jar and whoever has more money at the end of the night gets a pie in the face) to make money. Incredibly awkward and tasteless, as far as I am concerned.
Posted by unchatenfrance[/QUOTE]

Well yes, they are tacky... but that has nothing to do with Eastern Europe... and from your original post I think it's strange that you dislike this since it's a regional/cultural tradition.

BTCarolus

Um...wow. Yeah, I would agree that they sound pretty tasteless and awkward. I think you can have TK's registry board's general permission to avoid them in the future.

BTCarolus

Hoffse, I think what Chat may have been going for was whether she is bound by cultural traditions, or whether something can be so tacky it doesn't have to be followed. Which, yeah, doesn't come out in the first post.

unchatenfrance

Yeah, I was just trying to discern where the average person draws a line between someone else's cultural norm which one would find tolerable and flat-out inappropriateness. 

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_cultural-weddings-and-different-gifting-traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:38468ed3-cd69-4ea7-b928-5a3780501ee0Post:e99b0a00-d217-48c6-8758-eb5d64bd52f4">Re: Cultural weddings and different gifting traditions</a>:
[QUOTE]Hoffse, I think what Chat may have been going for was whether she is bound by cultural traditions, or whether something can be so tacky it doesn't have to be followed. Which, yeah, doesn't come out in the first post.
Posted by BTCarolus[/QUOTE]

ooookay now I'm getting it, thanks :)

OP, you can follow whatever tradition you wish to follow.  Personally, I wouldn't attend a party where I was required to buy a ticket.  I buy tickets for charity events, and weddings aren't charity events.  Even if the norm is to give a certain type of gift  you don't have to follow it if you don't want to - as the giver, that's your perogative.  For instance, one of my best friends is getting married in December, and I know that in her cultural tradition virtually all the guests give cash.  She confided in me that while she's looking forward to it, it will almost all go toward paying down student loans.  My solution is to give her a gift card to her favorite home goods store (CB).  Even though I usually don't give cash or cash equivalents, I know she will be secretly thrilled to be able to buy something for herself instead of being responsible with her gifts.  So I'm going to break her cultural tradition, but I have that right as a guest, and I think in this case it will be more exciting for her than if I followed it.

erinjeremygoulder

my friends and family love us and their presense is enough at our wedding, but yes, we'd prefer cash as we want to buy a home. I agree with the Eastern European outlook that gifts are frivolous. but its apersonal choice. we have a registry listed on our website, along with a cute blurb about a backyard fund for our dog....

our friends and family know us so well that i doubt anyone would be insulted- just not how our peeps roll.....but maybe i'm wrong?

i like theEastern European outlook and I think most Americans do get cash at their wedding- I've given cash at most of the weddings I've been to.....

and i have no issue with people being upfront about what they want and what would best support their lives together, cash or gifts.....

all these rules are made up- as long as it comes from love and gratitude- that is our rule......