XP returning gifts after brief marriage

meganb1977

We realized before our April wedding that we had serious communication and compatibility issues but decided to proceed with the wedding in the hope that we could start counseling and work things out.  Unfortunately, trying to work things out isn't going very well and I believe we will be separating and possibly divorcing before our first anniversary.  In our state, without children you separate for six months before finalizing a divorce, so even if we separated now we would be married for nearly a year.  My mother and one sister believe that it would be the proper thing to do, to return the wedding gifts if we are married for less than a year.  But the feedback I've been getting from Googling the issue is that the one year mark is an old rule and if you have lived together for several months following the wedding and have used the gifts, it isn't necessary to return them (how could someone seek a refund for a used item, anyway?)  Obviously if anyone said something and wanted their gift back I would accommodate their wishes.  But do you think I would be fine to keep everything and not make a big deal of asking people, "Do you want your gift back?"

MairePoppy

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you.

I usually give a gift from the registry for a shower and $$ for a wedding gift. I would assume that you have used the either type of gift, by now, and wouldn't expect you to return them. That said, if you have gifts that you haven't used, return those.

Any family heirlooms should be returned.

MyNameIsNot

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.  

The etiquette rule is that you don't have to return them at any time after the marriage takes place, it's only if you didn't make it down the aisle, but that was invented at a time when you rarely ended a marriage in divorce.  

Since it's only been a few months and you already know that it isn't going to work, I would start returning things now.  While I seriously doubt anyone would be so rude as to ask for their gift back, I think it's always best to err on the side of more polite with these sort of things.  

pikakegirl

If you are still working on your marriage, in the hopes of it working out, I think it would be odd to start returning gifts. Sure, you can set them aside and not use them, but I wouldn't send them back. (Hi, thanks for the gift but I'm not very optimistic...) Whether or not to stay in your marriage is where your focus should be.

[Deleted User]

Focus on rebuilding your marriage and let the gifts wait for now. 

casyme

Old etiquette rules be damned.  Stop worrying about gifts.  Don't bother returning them.

I can understand that if a marriage never even happens, or turned out to be a fraud, gifts should be returned.  Or maybe if you received a very large gift.  But otherwise, the gifts have already served their purpose.  If anyone you know is so petty that they're less concerned with your pain at the breakup of your marriage than they are with whether they get their $75 toaster back, you can deal without those people in your life.

Best of luck to you

rlavach

Yeah, I really don't think returning the gifts matters at this point. If it was 6 days or even 6 weeks, maybe. But at this point, what are they going to do with it? Plus, what a horribly rude person to ask for their gift back when you're clearly going through a hard time. I'm sorry to hear that & I hope that you both can make the best decision.

GuebaraGirl

We had friends that were married at the end of last year and their marriage was broken up at the beginning of this summer. I only just realized they never sent our gift back to us. When I heard their marriage had ended I thought of how horrible that must feel for them, but not about the amount of money we spent on their gift or which of them should keep it (let alone send back to us). Don't worry about it. Like someone else said, focus on your marriage. Try to save it if you can and then this decision will be a moot point.