Fi's family is out-gifting mine...

kimberlyb122

Now... Before I even say anything else, I feel guilty even thinking too much about it, but at the same time this is making me feel a little, well... bad.

My future-in-laws are helping us pay for our wedding; my family is not (backward); they threw us a big engagement party with 90 people in attendance AND boughts us a bunch of engagement presents. His side has already given us literally thousands of dollars in presents, and my family.... hasn't... My parents have not done anything at all yet (we've been engaged for 9 months, the wedding is in 6.5 months). Even my family that came to the engagement party, about half gave gifts- his side almost everyone did and they gave significantly larger gifts. And again my parents and my sister (older and married) came but did not give gifts...

I don't think it would bother me so much, except that my parents have done nothing at all is and it is a little awkward. also, I feel like fi's parents (mother in particular) are taking note of this. All I can really do is try to ignore my feelings, but has any one else been in this kind of situation?

Simply Fated

It was his family's choice to do this. It's not a freaking contest to see whose family can contribute more and if his family is keeping tabs, then they're being petty and ridiculous.

MNVegas

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_fis-family-out-gifting-mine-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:5269557a-d5bb-4f9f-90e2-1971fe564076Post:851eff81-b615-473c-b574-cdaf5abd8eb4">Fi's family is out-gifting mine...</a>:
[QUOTE]Now... Before I even say anything else, I feel guilty even thinking too much about it, but at the same time this is making me feel a little, well... bad. My future-in-laws are helping us pay for our wedding; my family is not (backward); they threw us a big engagement party with 90 people in attendance AND boughts us a bunch of engagement presents. His side has already given us literally thousands of dollars in presents, and my family.... hasn't... My parents have not done anything at all yet (we've been engaged for 9 months, the wedding is in 6.5 months). Even my family that came to the engagement party, about half gave gifts- his side almost everyone did and they gave significantly larger gifts. And again my parents and my sister (older and married) came but did not give gifts... <strong>I don't think it would bother me so much, except that my parents have done nothing at all is and it is a little awkward. </strong>also, I feel like fi's parents (mother in particular) are taking note of this. All I can really do is try to ignore my feelings, but has any one else been in this kind of situation?
Posted by kimberlyb122[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well it is your wedding not your parents. They don't need to do anything if they decide not to and people don't have to give gifts if they decide not to. Really you are sounding very greedy and materialistic with all this talk about who gave more gifts and who gave the biggest gifts. </div><div>
</div><div>Your getting married not having a contest between the two families. 

</div>

tldh

If your FILs are going to judge you and your parents by the amount of gifts from your side, that says a lot about the family you are marrying into.  I hope you are taking note.

kimberlyb122

I feel bad that his even bothers me and it's not that I expect anything. The lack of a gift isn't as much the problem as my FMIL does keep tabs ("to see what is appropriate to give as gifts to others in the future"... not kidding!) You're missing the point if you think what I'm saying is that my side isn't giving enough or that I'm greedy... its the way the situation is making me feel especially where she has made it known she is keeping tabs and has made a big fuss over the fact that so-and-so gave $x to her daughter so we should get the too and we have to invite so-and-so because they gave her daughter $1,000 at her wedding, etc. etc. My family doesn't do things like that... and I feel awkward.

MairePoppy

You should not discuss the gifts, especially the  $$ amounts,  you are receiving with your FMIL. It's none of her business.

Avion22

I agree, it's not of your FMIL's business who gives you what, and if she asks just tell her you don't feel comfortable discussing it.  If she continues to make a big deal out of it, you could just confront her.  Say something like, "Sue, your obsession with gifts makes me really uncomfortable, and it it's none of your business who decides to give us what.   This discussion is closed."

Soon2BeMrsTing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_fis-family-out-gifting-mine-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:5269557a-d5bb-4f9f-90e2-1971fe564076Post:97c60226-f0ae-44cc-9300-b48d1a1e7530">Re: Fi's family is out-gifting mine...</a>:
[QUOTE]You should not discuss the gifts, especially the  $$ amounts,  you are receiving with your FMIL. <strong>It's none of her business.</strong>
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

This.  Refuse to discuss the matter with her, and you'll be throwing no fuel onto the fire.

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_fis-family-out-gifting-mine-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:5269557a-d5bb-4f9f-90e2-1971fe564076Post:f4fe7d57-cb94-49b0-9c81-f94f6592e0f2">Re: Fi's family is out-gifting mine...</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel bad that his even bothers me and it's not that I expect anything. The lack of a gift isn't as much the problem as my FMIL does keep tabs ("to see what is appropriate to give as gifts to others in the future"... not kidding!) You're missing the point if you think what I'm saying is that my side isn't giving enough or that I'm greedy... its the way the situation is making me feel especially where she has made it known she is keeping tabs and has made a big fuss over the fact that so-and-so gave $x to her daughter so we should get the too and we have to invite so-and-so because they gave her daughter $1,000 at her wedding, etc. etc. My family doesn't do things like that... and I feel awkward.
Posted by kimberlyb122[/QUOTE]
You're not the only one to post this. Quite a few on here actually keep spreadsheets of who gives what at their wedding and then hands copies to their female family members so they know how much to gift next time. O.o I can't make this stuff up.<div>
</div><div>Tracking who gives what is helpful so you can make a more personalized thank you note, but that's it. Do not discuss who gives what with your FMIL. Like the PP said, this is your private business and she has no right to know. If he continues to push, have your FI deal with her. He needs to put his foot down and tell her that this is your private financial matters and that she needs to butt out. </div>

hoffse

Yeah if she's crossing the line where you feel uncomfortable, just refuse to have the discussion with her.  Don't open gifts in front of her.  Don't give her a copy of any list you're keeping for thank you notes.  My mother is somewhat like this - though she discusses it with me and my dad and that's it - but it's not because she cares what I get.  She just doesn't want to embarrass herself later on when she doesn't give something equivalent at another person's wedding.  Your FMIL sounds like she thinks it's bad if one person gives you $25 versus another who gives $100.  And that's not cool.

My mom will know who gives what, except for cash.  I'll just tell her "so and so gave cash" if she asks, not the amount.  

You can also tell your FMIL that engagement parties aren't traditionally gift-giving events.  Techinically, your family probably followed better etiquette there than his did.  At most, people might bring a bottle of wine or something, but the point is to celebrate the engagement, not the marriage.  You said the wedding is in 6.5 months and that's when the majority of your gifts will come in, from both sides.  If FMIL is acting petty just tell her that your family gives gifts for weddings, not engagements, and your wedding is a ways off still.  And then DON'T open presents in front of her post-wedding.  If she's petty enough I'd probably decline showers too.

Belle0000

I forsee a similar situation with me & FI, except the other way around.  My family will probably be out-gifting at the shower & reception, and I'm worried that FI's family will feel awkward.  They just don't have the money to do/give a lot, and I'm totally fine with that, but just worried that a select few in my family will be catty about it.  FI & I are paying for 80-90% of the wedding ourselves, with the remaining $ coming from my parents, but I've been worried that my mom will view her contribution as basically bribe money. 

I would just prepare yourself for the questions that could possibly be asked (i.e. "is that all so-and-so gave you?") ahead of time so you're not caught off-guard.  It really isn't anyone else's business as to what other people give.  Just make sure that FI is on the same page with you. 

Ash61612

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_fis-family-out-gifting-mine-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:5269557a-d5bb-4f9f-90e2-1971fe564076Post:97c60226-f0ae-44cc-9300-b48d1a1e7530">Re: Fi's family is out-gifting mine...</a>:
[QUOTE]You should not discuss the gifts, especially the  $$ amounts,  you are receiving with your FMIL. It's none of her business.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]
agree

MyNameIsNot

Your FMIL is way out of line.  Frankly, she sounds quite materialistic and petty if she would base a later gift to someone on what you were gifted.  

Grits8812

Gift giving doesn't have to be equal.  Maybe your family can't afford all the luxurious gifts that his can, or want to give a gift for just your shower and the wedding.  If his mom wants to hold a grudge on your family for not giving gifts, so be it.  She will get over it someday.  Gifts aren't even required at an engagement party.  

It isn't about the money spent, and the material things that you get.  The whole thing should just be about a celebration for you and your FI, and giving congrats and wishes for a great life together.

Don't be greedy.

Grits8812

Don't even discuss who got you what or how much was given.  That is a personal question.  That would be like them walking into your house and asking where you got your coffee table, how much you paid for it, and where you got the money from.  It's just none of their business.

krizzo17

Whenever anyone, related or not, asks me how much a gift cost, I always respond "enough", because gifts are never expected, so even the smallest gesture is generous.

Also, this repsonse tends to catch people off guard, and they rarely ask that question again in the future

midgemoto

Don't insert yourself... simply state how generous they have already been.  But you cannot control this at all so don't try... 

Cortney1982

Gift giving should be discreet, not a contest or talked about between the families.  If anybody asks, just say your thankful for what you have received and have been given plenty.  Why should anybody be counting and tallying up $$?  Gifts and financial contributions are voluntary not required by anybody. 

heb557

As long your family loves, respects, and supports you and your FI that's all that matters. End of Story.

bridesally2012

I think it's natural to feel a little anxious that one side is giving a lot more gifts than the other. I have the same thing going on (his family contributing more) and while it's not quite as lop-sided as what you're saying I do sometimes wonder if my guy feels like he is marrying down. (Not that he has ever said anything to indicate that or any of his family members have -- I'm sure it's completely in my head.) And it's definitely not that I'm greedy -- quite the opposite. I know that my family doesn't have as much expendable income and has a different set of priorities for their money and I'm very happy with what they have given. But every time I get another extravagant gift from someone on his side I feel like I can't thank them enough -- and sort of want to scream NO MORE GIFTS! Anyways I want to say that I'm pretty sure this is normal. So don't worry about worrying. The only advice I can give is to think about it as little as possible and, on that note, avoid talking about gifts (esp with the FMIL).

jgonder

I totally understand. My FI has a huge family think 200 southern roots...while its just my mom and my brother and my aunt/uncle on my side. Based on that alone I'm out numbered. Relax, breathe, and feel blessed that you're marrying into a family that wants you shower you with their love in a way that it is shown. My mom is a teacher, so she is helping with my gown-but nothing else. His dad has given us a few thous towards wedding and his mom spent 300 on gifts for xmas from our registry. I am sure they are not trying to 'one up' your family. They are excited for their son and want to make you feel welcome.
Enjoy it sister! There might come a time when you're telling your mil that you will raise your children your way and not theres..hehe
Just be sure to also be thankfully-even if the napkins are the wrong color
many wedding wishes!!