Registry and Gift Forum

Not registered but MIL wants to throw a shower

My fiance and I are not registered. We're having a destination wedding and kindly mentioned on our website that our gift is having people come to the wedding, and if they still feel like giving a gift, we offered up a couple charities they can make a donation to in our honor. We are not having a stateside reception after the wedding either - our families are so spread out, there wouldn't be a good place for one where we would include everyone that can't come to the destination, hence why we are getting hitched afar! So, my dilemma is that my future mother in law wants me to travel to her hometown about 4 weeks before the wedding so she and her friends can throw me a small shower. Im not sure how to respond/handle the situation. Anyone been in my shoes? There aren't many couples that forego registries any more... Help!

Re: Not registered but MIL wants to throw a shower

  • Just nicely decline - tell her you appreciate the offer but you weren't planning on registering, and the last 4 weeks are going to be busy with preparations.
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  • People who aren't invited to the destination wedding shouldn't be invited to a shower either (with church showers and work showers being two acceptable exceptions).   So if your MIL's friends aren't invited to the DW, they shouldn't be invited to a shower for you anyway.  You can tell your FMIL something like, "Sue, it's so sweet of you to offer, but I would feel uncomfortable having people at a shower who we have not invited to the wedding.  And besides, we don't really need anything and haven't registered.  But thanks for offering!"
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  • Well, the people throwing me the shower are actually invited but most are not going to make it and likely feel like this makes up for their absense. 
  • If I was you, I would let your FMIL throw the shower if these are guests that are invited, I think if it makes them feel better about their absense, just let it happen. I had a friend pretty much in the exact same situation, she let her FMIL throw the shower and created a very small registry.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_not-registered-but-mil-wants-to-throw-a-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:531915a9-b77c-4aaa-9129-8d93474d8bccPost:7d699c92-3b86-403c-aced-313996ea19fe">Re: Not registered but MIL wants to throw a shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, the people throwing me the shower are actually invited but most are not going to make it and likely feel like this makes up for their absense. 
    Posted by mkinigakis[/QUOTE]

    <div>Well, if they're all invited to the wedding, it's fine if you want to accept.  Do you want the shower?  Would you be able to travel to it?</div><div>
    </div><div>My mom's best friend really wanted to throw me a shower.  I was hesitant at first, but eventually I accepted her offer, and it was really lovely (plus she was really happy she got to do it).  I lived 6+ hours away at the time, but we just scheduled it for a time when I would be visiting my parents.  </div><div>
    </div><div>If you end up accepting the shower, I would make a small registry so people have an idea of what you might like.  You could also see if your FMIL would throw a recipe shower where guests bring a favorite recipe, or some other kind of themed shower that does not require elaborate gift-giving.</div>
  • One of my BM's MIL really wanted to do the same for her because she wanted to give her a chance to meet MIL's close friends and extended family before the wedding. BM was not registered anywhere and didn't feel like she should have one, but she understood MIL's reasoning. So MIL threw a nice tea for her friends and BM. No mention of gifts was made at all, and everyone just got together to visit and eat yummy foods. Would something like this be possible for you? BM said later that several people still brought nice cards-some with gift cards or money, but she wasn't opposed to that because it was truly just a nice gesture on the friend's part. They weren't "asked" via shower invite. Note: I don't necessarily think showers are bad or asking for gifts because the guest can always decline. That was simply the main reason BM didn't want a shower.
  • My MIL insisted i have a shower she even put my SIL against me to try to throw one. I kept saying no no no no I don't want a shower for several reasons and kept giving them all the reasons. Finally, my FSIL told me she was planning a surprise shower. I was soo upset because i told them both how uncomfortable I would be and i absolutely did NOT want a shower. I confronted my FMIL and told her how upset it made me. She finally backed off...
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you are going to accept the shower, go create a small registry.  Showers are for physical gifts.  

    You could also ask her if she'd be willing to do a luncheon or tea instead to avoid the gifts.  If you really don't want the gifts, I would just decline the shower.  
  • I think her intentions are good. Let her throw the shower, if you'll be able to travel to it, but be clear that only those invited to (even if not attending) the wedding should be invited to the shower.
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  • Come on! Its just a shower... Accept the invitation and enjoy it. Create a small registry, if you don't have time.. Don't create it. Kiss
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