Always fight..

horsevaulter

My fiancee and I have tried to register twice now, but have both times ended up in big fights.. The 1st time I was just being emotional and stupid ( that time of the month bla..) And the second, we were both really stressed and emotional, because we thought he was being deployed in a few days.. we threw both registries away, and he said he will not even try to register  with me again, and wants me to do it by myself. I think he is being unreasonable, but should I just register? I think he already has it set in his mind that I am going to be crazy and emotional when we register so even if I am not, he will find a way to make it seem like I am.. He is very stubborn lol What should I do?

noodle_oo

What exactly about registering caused you to fight?  Was is differences in opinion or fights about something entirely unrelated (like deploying)?  Was it because he felt like you weren't listening to him (or vice versa)?

I will say that registering was a little stressful for us.  It is hard to make decisions (i'm really indecisive) and we have differing tastes, so sometimes DH thought I wasn't listening to his input.  But we weren't really fighting... it just wasn't as "fun" as I thought it would be.

Does he really care about what you guys register for? I really think the FI shoudl have input since they are gifts for him too.  So I guess I agree with PP that you need ot figure out WHY you guys are fighting, WHAT you are fighting about and have a conversation about resolving those issues.

swoodso464

I had a similar situation when my FI and I first sat down to register.  It turned out that we both had really specific ideas about what we wanted and how we wanted to go about registering (him: methodically go through the website one section at a time and find the best value of everything we need for practical purposes.  me: ooh, shiny!  I want it!)  but neither of us communicated these ideas at the beginning, so we ended up really butting heads the first time.  I don't think it's unusual for couples to have difficulty doing this part of the planning together.  Men and women tend to shop differently, and those differences can really come out in this situation.

My advice is to set aside some time, away from the store or computer, when you're both relaxed and not too stressed, to talk about what you both would like on the registry.  We went for a long walk together, and treated it like a wishing game (wouldn't it be great if we got a panini press!)  and ended up in a great mood and ready to sit down and start registering.  Make it into a casual conversation, with no pressure, and it's a lot more fun. 

I won't say it's been smooth sailing ever since (there was a whole big thing with coffee makers that I won't even get into), but we've learned that the best way to deal with registry roadbumps is to step away from the registry and talk about what we're doing in a casual way.

Good luck!  I really hope you guys work it out, because when registering goes well, it's really fun to do together!

horsevaulter

hmmm I relly like your idea of a "wish list" on a nice walk swoodso! Great idea! We fought the first time because I had it set in my mind the types of things I wanted and FI wanted totally different things so we just ended that day really emotionally.. That day was definitely my fault cuz sometimes (during that time of the month) I get very emotional! The second time we were just super stressed about him leaving, and I didnt even think that the registering was going bad, but he just blew up and said he wouldnt reg with me again...

horsevaulter

We do shop together and it never turns out like that but I think FI is just super stressed right now.. He said he doesnt care that much about household items as long as he gets to pick out tools.. I just feel weird registering without him, but if I do then I could pick everything out lol

Snippylynn

I just did it without him, tbh.  At least, on most of the stuff.  All the kitchen things, not only doesn't he care, but he has no idea what they are.  So the only stuff I asked him about were dishes, and that was relatively simple to figure out.

sassy8179

Hey horsevaulter!

I agree with Snippy (*gasp!*) . I wouldn't feel bad registering without him, especially if they are, say, kitchen related things that you would use more than him (if that's the case)... but I would show him the list after and make sure he's cool with everything... As you know I've been stressing, but stressing myself out! We've decided on the less expensive dinnerware Even after I was set on the expensive one, I ran it by FI and he thought it was too expensive, so he did have SOME input (but after i had narrowed them down).

I also asked him if he minded if i got the kitchen aid mixer in boysenberry (purple) and he said he wouln't mind (yesss!!!!)... Good luck!

jerseydevil

What is there to fight about on a registry?

Your tastes of course won't match, but you just need to be able to compromise when you pick things out. Though, as with PPs when it comes to kitchen stuff, I'll be registering solo and we are both fine with that.

jennylove810

You could also try registering a little bit at a time.

DH and I found it overwhelming, so we broke it down into parts.  The first time was china, crystal, and flatware.  The second time was everything else we thought we might want from Macy's.  And the 3rd time I let him run wild in BBB's kitchen section, while I tackled bedding.

Anything that we missed or changed our mind about, we added/deleted online.

slubkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_always-fight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:96d3c810-b6a0-4a92-9176-b7d94fedb561Post:67590947-0e23-45b9-8900-944ffe9a6b2c">Re: Always fight..</a>:
[QUOTE]I just did it without him, tbh.  At least, on most of the stuff.  All the kitchen things, not only doesn't he care, but he has no idea what they are.  So the only stuff I asked him about were dishes, and that was relatively simple to figure out.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

I basically did the same.  I set up registries online and added things I thought we could use or things we'd like, and then I showed them to him and asked him if there was anything he wanted to add or remove.  We have most of what we need, and he doesn't know/care much about the kitchen stuff.  He did like the idea of getting a juicer.  And I asked for his input on patterns for everyday china and flatware since we'll both be using it all the time.  But other than that, he doesn't need much and he trusts my judgment for household stuff.

ETA:  I should add that I also do most of the Christmas shopping for gifts for both our families...

CaseyandSalley

I started doing all the registering and then he checked it out. Its not a big deal to him and if he would have thought of something to add Id add it. Not much to fight about

calindi

I'm not "allowed" to buy any more kitchen stuff because my boyfriend keeps saying "we'll have one of those register-thingies soon enough".  Haha!

Anyway, he is very interested in what kitchen utensils I'll get, specifically based on what meals he wants me to cook him!  But he hates shopping with a passion, so I imagine dragging him around to actually register would be a nightmare.

I like the "wish list" idea - you can also try doing it online together, and then you can always go in and check out the items yourself to make sure they're as nice in person.  

ehathewa

My FI told me to register for whatever I wanted.  He then just had a few small requests (popcorn popper, cast iron skillet). 

Later when we were at the mall we just stopped by the store and I showed him the dishes and a few other things very quickly.  He said they looked nice and was glad that I would enjoy matching things and working appliances...he did veto the sheets I chose, though... too girly

RebeccaB88

I will do the majority of our registry myself, as I am in charge of the kitchen and the only thing he cares about in there is the coffeepot.    So I will set up the registry on my own, then we will pick a time when he's up for it and go in and add ONLY the stuff he cares about or wants a say in - his coffeepot, bed linens, a few glassware items, some outdoor grilling tools he's interested in.  That will be about all he'll be able to handle, and if he has any other requests I'll make sure those get on the list too.

goetzr19

Most of the stuff on our registry is for home decoration, kitchen or small appliances, etc.  FI was most specific on the pot/pan set and the knife set that we registered for.  Other than that, his duty was to scan the items, because he was bored otherwise.  I say do it without him, and then print the registries, and show him.  Have him pick and choose what he likes or what he thinks you should get rid of. 

Good luck!

karmellah

we fought a couple times at bb&b when we registered lol. im naturally moody and we were hungry. we didnt expect it to take as long as it did (4 hours), just pushed past it and moved on and now we have a nice registry. MY FI is very hands on with the choices. blah

sarahbutchin

I registered without him. I know that sounds bad, but I do most of the cooking and am aware of the things that we need. I definitely showed him everything and he got the opportunity to approve or veto. It worked well for us! (I also chose things that I didn't necessarily love, but knew it would be a good compromise for the both of us).

AngelaK2011

I think you should be less concerned about the registry and more concerned about your marriage.  Think twice about getting married especially if the two of you don't understand what the other is angry about.  Life is full of stress. Menstration and stress are not reasons to fight.  What are you fighting about? Why is that item so important to you?  What are you feeling?  This is what you should talk to your fiance about.

lforever

Angela- so glad you mentioned that. i think the relationship itself often gets overlooked when girls focus on just having the perfect wedding day. fighting during engagement reveals a lot of red flags, and people overlook it just to get to the altar, but what does it matter if you get divorced later due to underlying problems in the relationship that you never dealt with?

i am NOT saying that it's wrong to fight... but your focus needs to be on whether or not you're communicating and NOT on getting your way. same for your fiancee

that said, good luck to everyone's marriages! i know it's hard work, but i'm really looking forward to it!!! i wish the best to all of you!


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mLouden

I, too, registered without my fiance. It was so much fun to do it with my sister! Future Hubby could care less about what dishes we get (he prefers to eat off paper plates so he doesn't have to wash the dishes...HAHA) and I think would actually be annoyed at me if I drug him to Williams-Sonoma and made him pick what spatula or garlic press he liked best. I did show him the bed linens I registered for. Best thing is to show him 2 options, and have him point to the one he likes the best I love classic gender roles

literarymuse

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_always-fight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:96d3c810-b6a0-4a92-9176-b7d94fedb561Post:c7f1b979-6b03-41e1-87bf-4e2996f53866">Re: Always fight..</a>:
[QUOTE]fighting during engagement reveals a lot of red flags, Posted by lforever[/QUOTE]

You know... I disagree with this. I don't think fighting automatically equates to issues in the marriage. Especially over the registry. And especially in this case. I agree with you that it's important to examine the real issues at hand, but it's important to remember that there is all sorts of extra stress during the engagement picture. It's how you handle the fighting that matters. Let's face it, we're ALL going to get into fights/disagreements with our spouses during our marriage. So fighting during the engagement period just gives you practice working through all that before you actually tie the knot.

That being said, I also wanted to talk about registries. My FI and I had a rough time (we just went this past Saturday). It was at the end of a really long day, we were both tired and hungry, we spent forever picking out our china and whatnot, then we didn't find any everyday settings that we liked. And then we were at BB&B after the store closed. They told us to take our time and not be in a hurry, which was fine, except that then every sales associate knew what we were there for. And every one of them wanted to offer advice to us. I was ready to explode. I mean really. This is OUR registry, not yours! We want to make our own decisions! I don't care if you like those sheets better than the ones we were looking at! We ended up getting pretty frustrated with each other, but instead of letting it escalate, we decided to just go through a little bit more in the store (in a different area than bedding) and then be done. We'll go back in the next couple of weeks or so.

It sounds to me like a lot of people have offered some really good advice. :-) I know that I couldn't imagine creating a registry without my FI, but that's just me. If you end up deciding you don't want to do that, you could try letting it rest for a while before approaching him on the subject again. And I think that wishlist thing is GREAT. :-)</div>

artbyallie

We registered at Target together, but he decided he didn't like it (he's got the guy-shopping-brain, get in, get it, get out) and insisted that I do the online registry and Belk one by myself. He trusts my taste in picking things out.

sarahbutchin

I completely disagree that fighting over things like the registry is a red flag. And menstration is the perfect reason to fight. C'mon!!

horsevaulter

hahaha sara, you made me laugh!! Well I figure since we were already at Sears and he scanned all the tools he wants (which was the most important thing to him on the reg) I will probly go back sometime this month and just finish it. FI can come if he wants or I will show him the list afterwards so we can alter it if need be.

Thanks for all the advice ladies!! And for the fighting, every healthy relationship has fights and arguments, and as long as you work through them then thats what matters. It is actually really unhealthy not to have arguments! Anyways, good luck to all!