Should we be offended?

CityGirl79

My new hubbie and I got married last month. We had an out of town wedding (or, an out of country wedding). I didn't consider it a destination wedding because it was in my hometown, but a lot of people did, which is okay. We invited people from our current country (where my DH is from), as well as local people from my hometown.

I felt we had a few judgment calls from his extended family, who didn't seem keen on going to the wedding because they were scared of traveling. In the end, none of his extended family went, but since I knew it would be expensive for them, I understood. From his family, only his parents and her sister's family attended.

DH invited all of his friends. All of them, except one, RSVP'd no. They're all married with small children, so we understand it's difficult for them to travel. 

We did get a few glad surprises from people we didn't expect would go, but did, and enjoyed themselves tremendously (it was a great wedding, if I say so myself!!)

None of his cousins or friends gave us any gifts. I'm not sure what the etiquette is in this case (with people who refuse an invite). However, DH and I have always given wedding gifts to them, and every time they have a new baby, we're there bearing gifts.

On the other hand, 3 of his 4 groomsmen didn't give any gifts. While my DH disagrees with me, I keep in mind they spent money on the trip, and I'm happy they attended.

My wedding party was from my hometown, meaning they didn't have to travel. None of them gave me gifts. Also, out of the local guests, there were a few who did go to the wedding but gave nothing.

What is the etiquette these days? Should we be offended? I'm especially sad for the people who we've always given stuff to, and who disregarded our wedding, without even a card acknowledging our special day. I believe even a card (no cash or gift needed) would have been nice.

What do you think?

LaMaFa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_should-offended?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:a21eef1b-3654-4520-93c8-da1e799cb4bePost:504492dc-641d-47dd-a709-8937ed7f735f">Re: Should we be offended?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP:  You could have easily had your wedding reception here to accomodate those who could not afford to travel so far.  THEY, like me, may have been offended by the presumtuous invite and felt you were being greedy and they did not to reward that attitude with a gift which is not required anyway.  IMO.
Posted by aerotiff[/QUOTE]
It's horrible that your mom went along with your cousin's greed. But with the OP it sounds like she and her family (along with her DH's family) were all originally from the 'destination' location of their wedding. So it would have been nice if she and her DH had been able to have a second reception back in the States where his friends and extended family are, but maybe it wasn't possible. I think her concern was that the people who came to the wedding couldn't even be bothered to pick up a $2 card and drop it on the gift table. Just something to say congratulations and acknowledge the couple- the same with the family who couldn't make it to their wedding. Gifts are not a necessity, but a little card that says congratulations is always so nice to receive; then you know the people you took the time to invite took a couple minutes to think of you and your spouse.

To the OP: Even though etiquette says you should receive a gift from the people you invite to your wedding, it's becoming an accepted standard to only give a gift if you attend the wedding. I do agree with you that it is a bit disappointing to not have even be sent a card by the people who couldn't be at your wedding- it must have made you feel like they were trying to pretend your nuptials hadn't happened. Keep doing what you have been doing, sending gifts to people if you can and want to, don't let someone else's ignorance or lack of etiquette change you or affect your behavior.

TiaHauser

OP- I can understand your feelings being hurt. I think you asking if you should be offended, is kind of like you asking if its okay that you already are.

I consider myself a generous person. I give gifts because I am excited and happy for someone. The giving is my favorite part of Christmas. It sounds like you are the same way. I think I would be a little offended that people that I had given to didn't want to do the same for me on my special day. No one did anything wrong, because gifts aren't required, but I can see your feelings being hurt for sure.

In response to the girl who posted about her cousin- I can see where you are coming from, but you make me very nervous to invite my family to my beach wedding. We are trying to finalize the guest list. I have grown up seeing all of my relatives atleast once a year, but I wouldn't say I am "close" to any of them. I'm inviting aunts and uncles because they are my parents siblings, and if I invite my favorites I have to invite all. I am inviting cousins because I am close to a few, and if I invite one I should invite all. I'm not sending invites for gifts, but just to let people know that I am thinking of them and they weren't left out. Does anything think this will appear that I am mining for gifts? thats the last thing I want. (The bridal shower invite you received was insane though- I would never invite anyone to that other than the people closest to me)

AshleyNichole&BrianArthur

I am sorry no one came. For my Aunts wedding in her husbands home country, only four of us showed up from her family and three friends. Not even her father. (he said attending her first wedding was enough) The only reason I made it was my mother payed for my plain ticket and my anut provided transportation. I did not bring a gift because I only had a carry-on bag but I helped get everything ready for the big day instead and took hundreds of pictures since they didn't have a photographer and loaded them on their computer so they had some memories to take home.

She did have an at home reception that had a huge turn out with everyone who realy wanted to attend the wedding but just couldn't make it out of the country.

I know my reaction to the invite to Germany was "lol yeah what ever" combined with "I cant believe your asking me to pay half a years waiges just for your wedding" Even though I love them dearly and I am so glad I whent. I knew that attending ment I would lose my appartment and car with the income lost from time off work. I had to pick up a second job and work 70-90 hrs a week (walking to and from on the highway) for two years to recover. 

Franciscobetts

I know you have had a lot message about this, but I think the real issue is what a gift or card symbolizes to you as a newlywed. However, the etiquette for the gift giving for weddings is that you are able to send gifts up to a year after the big day.  I know many friends who have seen gifts come trickling in afterwards.  Granted, this makes it difficult to keep track of all the thank you cards!  

It could also be due to the fact that it would be difficult to bring a nicely wrapped package of china on the plane with them without it breaking or looking ragged upon arrival.  

I'm sure everyone cares about you very much and most are just unaware of the etiquette involved.

sblackman4

No shows... no. Yet, people that did attend should give something. Those that traveled have an "excuse", but the BM's certainly do not. Every wedding I have attended, I have given a gift, even at age 16. It is similar to showing up to a dinner party and not bringing anything to the person hosting, even store bought cookies would do.  It sounds tacky, sorry, but if you're spending $$ for food and fun, you can at least get a thank you card.

vicki972

I'm in a similar situation to the OP where I live out of the country and am having my wedding here, even though most of my family lives in the US.  I'm inviting my family and close friends and understand that some will make it and some won't.  While i'm certainly not sitting here with a checklist anticipating loads of gifts, I do still think it's proper etiquette to send a gift whether you come to the wedding or not. I've had to miss out on a lot of weddings in the US since I've moved and I still sent a gift each time.

To the person who acted like OP should have had a party in the US - fugettaboutit! I had originally intended on doing that until I realized that I shouldn't have to pay thousands of dollars for a dinner (not to manage planning from abroad) just to ensure that everyone I invited gets to participate.  Come or don't come!  Love to see you here but understand if you can't!  How can you act like she HAS to have a party back home, too?  Why don't YOU try planning two weddings on top of everything else going on in your life!

And to everyone that tries to use the travel excuse, I call BS.  I'm sorry, you spent so much money to come to this horribly awful and boring city I live in called Paris and you ONLY came for my wedding and had such a crappy time and spent all your money so you couldn't even get me a card?  WHATEVER! Everyone has money for at least a card and even a bottle of wine.  It shows that you care about the couple and want them to have a token from you.  It's not about how much it costs, it's just a way to symbolize that you care.  Justify it how you will - it's simply rude not to give a gift.

bradalsomel

I think if you have to ask if you *should* be offended (or whatever word you choose), you're probably doing alright.    Don't let other people's ideas of etiquette tell you how you should feel.  Ask yourself how you DO feel.  And if you feel sad, which I can completely appreciate (don't we all want to have those people we lovingly invited share their congratulations with us, be it by attending or sending at least a card with their thoughts?), try to counter it with something happy, like this:  The groomsman didn't get us a present.  That makes me sad; I thought he liked us enough to get us something as a gift.  Oh wait!  What a wonderful friend to have spent money on a hotel and something nice to wear - we are so lucky to have him as a friend!  I am so blessed he was able to get time off work, and was so kind to my husband on his wedding day.  No gift could ever replace a friendship like that. 

Just a thought.  I know it's tough - we're dealing with our own wedding drama right now!  I try to take a step back and remember that at the end of the day, this is all because I want to share this brilliant moment in my life with people I love.  I find that helps guide how I'm feeling. 

Good luck, and congratulations!!!