donation to charity instead of registry & wedding shower

Japcml11

My fiance & I decided not to create a registry, but iasked for donations to one of two charities instead. My MOH wants to throw us a shower, but I'm not so sure that it is appropriate. Any suggestions would be grealy appreciated. Thank you!

Grits8812

I would just give the money you get from gifts to charity, instead of telling people that.  What if they don't like the charity you picked? 

Simply Fated

Having a bridal shower doesn't make sense. You're telling guests to give to a charity instead of buying you something AND telling them to get you a gift in the same breath. Which is it? Unless you mean people would, like write down how much they donated to the charity on a card and you'd open the cards at the bridal shower ... is that what you mean?

jessicabessica

A shower is not appropriate if you do not want any boxed gifts.  Your MOH can throw you a luncheon or tea, if you are both comfortable with that, but shower means gifts.  

My preference for donations is to just not register or make a small registry, which will hint to people that you prefer cash (plus lots of people give cash anyway for weddings), and donate it yourself.  

HobokensFury

Ditto PP. If you're going to do this you should not be having a bridal shower.

hoffse

Agreed about the no shower thing.  The other thing to remember is that charity registries aren't always that well-received.  People have strong feelings one way or the other about charities (usually about how they spend their money for corporate headquarters, advertising, etc) and people can get really offended if asked to donate to a charity that they have issues with.  When brides come on here and ask about it they always have good intentions and usually don't understand how somebody could disagree with the charity they picked out, but believe me somebody will.

Amanda1443994

I would def. not have a shower if you are not registering. I think the charity thing is fine. If guests do not like the charity, they don't have to donate. It is not required to give a gift so they just won't do it if they don't want to.

Japcml11

Thank you everyone for your input. And I know everyone has their own opinion on the donations instead of gifts. He selected one and I selected one so that if someone had an issue wth one, they could donate to another. I also agree that the guests are NOT required to so anyway, But I said I didn't think it was a good idea and she said she would tell everyone not to bring a gift but make it more a "get together with fun activities that would be at a bridal shower." But what would you even call that. I'm against it for the same reason as SimplyFated. It's too confusing! But she is really excited and I'm really scared to hurt her feelings about it....

Japcml11

Not likely, as my son has a heart transplant & that's what one is for. & his is the police explorers, which about 50% of the guests were/still work with or have some relation to. But that has nothing to do with my question. IF A GUEST DOESN'T LIKE EITHER, THEY ARE NOT REQUIRED TO GIVE A GIFT/DONATION IN THE FIRST PLACE. I am asking about my MOH wanting to give us something close to a bridal shower without calling it that or not doing anything at all. and I do like the idea of the envelopes with the donation amount but I also don't want to pressure anyone. My wording on the website was very loose and said "if any guest would like to give a gift, we are asking that he/she consider giving a donation instead"

meganb1977

I think it would be fine for your MOH to give you a "luncheon" or "brunch" or "tea" but without calling it a "shower" or providing any registry information.  If there is any confusion guests can ask her and she can advise them not to worry about bringing a gift.

Japcml11

Thank you Megan!! That was a great answer!!!

73jewels

I Agree with Megan - and I think it is very altruistic of you to request all gifts be made to charity.  I am sure some people will still give you a gift anyway, but if I was invited to your wedding and saw that, and knew your personal connection to your charity, I would certainly donate and not be offended.  But I am often the disenting opinion in these forums!

LuluP82

I think the luncheon or tea is the way to go.

Another perspective on the charity thing-- If I want to give you a gift, I want to give YOU a gift. If I ask you where you're registered, it's because I want to buy you something. It bothers me when people tell me to donate to a charity instead. I don't know why, but it does. I donate to charities I agree with and support all the time, and it seems very holier than thou for a bride and groom to tell me to do it. I'd rather see a small registry, so that if I want a physical gift, I know what you want, and if not, I'll give you cash. You can do whatever you want with my money; but I HATE being told to donate to a charity in your name. Nothing to do with how charity is run or agreeing with the issue-- it just bugs me. Seems almost showy and disingenuous, somehow.

emilou02

A bridal shower is rather useless if you don't want anyone to buy you gifts. If the sentiment is the same, perhaps a better alternative would be a luncheon or tea, as mentioned by PP.

While I'm sure you're not going about this in a rude way, there are probably some brides out there (however well-intentioned) who may be, so it is worth pointing out that asking your guests to donate to a charity instead of buying you a gift is just as much of an etiquette faux pas as including a registry card with your invitations. You are still directing another person how to spend his or her money and it is equally rude, even if you are trying to do a good thing.

The exception to this is if someone asks you or a family member where you are registered or what they can get you for your wedding. You or they would respond, "Oh, that's so kind of you, but they already have what they need to set up their home together." If persistent: "If you're really intent on spending money on them, I'm sure they would just love it if you would make a donation in their name to a charity of your choice." If they insist on purchasing you a tangible gift, perhaps it would be worthwhile to set up a small registry with some little kitchen extras or upgrades of what you currently have. The key to all of this is them asking first. Nowhere should it be printed, "In lieu of gifts should you choose to give one, Kate and Andy would prefer that you make a donation to Charity XYZ to feed the starving wallabies in New Zealand." Or whatever.

ElisabethJoanne

I guess if I can be certain none of my guests are vegetarians or refuse to eat pork, you can be certain your guests like your charities. You know your friends and family. I don't. But I don't like your charities.

I agree with the suggestions on brunch, luncheon, or tea.