Shower Etiquette

mrmsburns

We are having a small, 40-person destination wedding next August. What is the ettiquette concerning a wedding shower? Do my bridesmaids host a shower for us in my hometown before/ after the actual wedding? Is it poor form to invite people to the shower, whom you're not inviting to the wedding??? HELP!

rknox88

Personally, and I think this follows etiquette, I would decline a bridal shower if it were to include people who were not invited to my wedding (excluding work showers)  However, if your bridesmaids want to throw you a small shower and only invite guests that will be invited to the wedding it is up to you if you want to accept or decline. 

Keep in mind a destination wedding can be expensive for guests.  If it were me I would decline the shower all together to make the wedding more cost effective for my guests.

noodle_oo

It is not appropriate to ever invite people to a wedding shower who are not invited to the wedding. This includes destination weddings.

Your BMs could host a shower and include guests from the 40 people invited to the wedding, however, you shoudl not ask them to do this.  Let them do it if they offer, but you should never ask for a shower.  Especially since they will be spending a lot ot travel to your wedidng, asking them to take on the added expense of throwing a shower is asking a lot.  I would try my best to keep their spending as low as possible.  So only accept the shower if they enthusiastically offer to do it.  But make sure they only invite people who will be at the wedding.

And I would keep your registry small since it is such a small wedding so you don't come across as greedy.

megandjay

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_shower-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:c6bd21ba-9f96-4b82-aedd-5964cad9712aPost:95ecfb76-7745-4a4b-9acc-d0a36f06f05d">Re: Shower Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]It is not appropriate to ever invite people to a wedding shower who are not invited to the wedding. This includes destination weddings. Your BMs could host a shower and include guests from the 40 people invited to the wedding, however, you shoudl not ask them to do this.  Let them do it if they offer, but you should never ask for a shower.  Especially since they will be spending a lot ot travel to your wedidng, asking them to take on the added expense of throwing a shower is asking a lot.  I would try my best to keep their spending as low as possible.  So only accept the shower if they enthusiastically offer to do it.  But make sure they only invite people who will be at the wedding. And I would keep your registry small since it is such a small wedding so you don't come across as greedy.
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

Also- many of your guests may feel that their attendance at the wedding is the gift. I have a friend leaving for a wedding in DR tomorrow, and she is not planning to give another gift since she is spending close to 1K to attend the wedding!

mrmsburns

Thanks for all your help ladies. You're all wonderful! I so appreciate it!

I am definitely not asking for the shower myself :P But my Matron and Maid of honor (the only 2 people on my side of the wedding party) are wanting to throw me a shower and asking who to invite to it. We're having such a limited group of people to the actual wedding, and of course, in doing so excluded a lot of really close friends and family- who we'd definitely have be a part of our wedding if it were to be a local one.

So I guess my biggest question is more for the people who are throwing my shower - is it poor form to have people who aren't invited to the wedding on that shower invite list??? Has anyone ever been invited to a shower where they weren't invited to the wedding??? Did you go/ not go and what were your decision processes/ thoughts on it either way???

I know a lot of people have 'work showers' where their co-workers throw them a shower, knowing that they won't be invited to the persons actual wedding, and this seems to be a growingly accepted thing. But in my case, I'm a PA student, and traveling for my residency year, changing locations every 6 weeks... so the whole co-workers throwing me a shower doesn't really apply to me

Thanks again for all the help, girls!

SaraAndrew2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_shower-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c6bd21ba-9f96-4b82-aedd-5964cad9712aPost:3b24b69d-ab03-44ec-bdf2-d940600a3f87">Re: Shower Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE] So I guess my biggest question is more for the people who are throwing my shower - is it poor form to have people who aren't invited to the wedding on that shower invite list??? Has anyone ever been invited to a shower where they weren't invited to the wedding??? Did you go/ not go and what were your decision processes/ thoughts on it either way??? I know a lot of people have 'work showers' where their co-workers throw them a shower, knowing that they won't be invited to the persons actual wedding, and this seems to be a growingly accepted thing.
Posted by mrmsburns[/QUOTE]

Yes, it is poor form for the shower hosts to invite people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding. You should coordinate the shower guest list with them to make sure it does not include anyone not invited to the wedding. 

Office showers are the general exception to the rule.  It's fine if people from work decide to throw an office shower even if they won't be invited to the wedding.

LuluP82

No, it's not appropriate to invite someone to a shower if they're not invited to the actual wedding itself. It's one of the things you give up when you choose to have a destination wedding.

However, it's perfectly okay to invite people to the shower who declined to attend your DW. In other words, if you have 40 ppl attending, but really invited 100 ppl, you can invite those who were invited to the wedding but declined.

trix1223

People not invited to the wedding should never be invited to pre wedding events.  I'd be pretty offended to find out that I wasn't "important enough" to be invited to the ceremony, but I  should take time and money to attend a shower.  Not good at all.

noodle_oo

It does not matter who is hosting the shower, it is NEVER appropriate to invite people to a shower who did not (or will not) receive a wedding invite.  Very rude.

I kind of thought that was clear in my last post...

mrmsburns

Done. Thanks for all the help ladies!!!!