Registry question: two ceremonies, one engagement party

teenie77

Hello!

My husband-elect and I decided we were going to do two ceremonies: one very small one for direct family and close friends here in our home town, and another larger celebration in Costa Rica next winter. We're very happy with this solution!

His mother is planning on throwing us an engagement party this June as well, I believe it's so she can have a larger celebration with lots of people here in our area.

I have NO idea about the etiquette surrounding this and was hoping to get some ideas/guidance. Should I still do a bridal shower? If so, when? Before my first ceremony (that barely any people are invited to) or before the destination wedding (which many people will be invited to, but will then be spending money on the destination, if they go at all) or even before the engagement party? Should we register? I feel a little frozen up, and am a bit frightened of making a misstep, since his extended family is... extensive. And very funny about etiquette stuff.

Thanks!

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registry-question-two-ceremonies-one-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c8db17ca-c45d-45a9-ba6d-7eef9d2a0f26Post:57451e17-acd1-4b27-ba01-ac8c4c937076">Registry question: two ceremonies, one engagement party</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello! My husband-elect and I decided we were going to do two ceremonies: one very small one for direct family and close friends here in our home town, and another larger celebration in Costa Rica next winter. We're very happy with this solution! His mother is planning on throwing us an engagement party this June as well, I believe it's so she can have a larger celebration with lots of people here in our area. I have NO idea about the etiquette surrounding this and was hoping to get some ideas/guidance. Should I still do a bridal shower? If so, when? Before my first ceremony (that barely any people are invited to) or before the destination wedding (which many people will be invited to, but will then be spending money on the destination, if they go at all) or even before the engagement party? Should we register? I feel a little frozen up, and am a bit frightened of making a misstep, since his extended family is... extensive. And very funny about etiquette stuff. Thanks!
Posted by teenie77[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>First, you cannot have two weddings with one marriage.  The first ceremony will be your wedding.  The second will be a vow renewal.  There's some additional etiquette surrounding vow renewals, so pay special attention.  The main thing is that you do not pretend it is a wedding, because it is not.  </div><div>
</div><div>Everyone invited to the shower and engagement party must be invited to the real wedding.  It is very rude to invite people to the pre-wedding party and then only the the vow renewal.  If the guest list for the actual wedding is short, you're e-party and shower will have to be pretty small.  </div><div>
</div><div>As far as a shower, if someone offers to host one, you can always accept.  If no one offers to host one, you don't have one.  </div><div>
</div><div>If you want physical gifts, you should register.  Of course, you don't put the registry information in any invitations that you send out.  If people want to get you a gift, they'll ask.  

</div>

MNVegas

You get one wedding ceremony. The 2nd ceremony would be a vow renewal. 

If you have a shower, all shower guest must be invited to the wedding ceremony. Since you said "barely any people are invited to" this, then it would not be appropriate to have a shower with people not invited.

You do not have showers for vow renewals, which is what you 2nd ceremony will be. Normally people do not register for vow renewal ceremonies either. 

Personally I would not do a registry, but if you insist on having one, do a very small one and only tell people about if they ask. 

cpm1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registry-question-two-ceremonies-one-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:c8db17ca-c45d-45a9-ba6d-7eef9d2a0f26Post:ca7abb12-7923-49ae-b5e7-0e47e27eb918">Re: Registry question: two ceremonies, one engagement party</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Registry question: two ceremonies, one engagement party : First, you cannot have two weddings with one marriage.  The first ceremony will be your wedding.  The second will be a vow renewal.  There's some additional etiquette surrounding vow renewals, so pay special attention.  The main thing is that you do not pretend it is a wedding, because it is not.   Everyone invited to the shower and engagement party must be invited to the real wedding.  It is very rude to invite people to the pre-wedding party and then only the the vow renewal.  If the guest list for the actual wedding is short, you're e-party and shower will have to be pretty small.   As far as a shower, if someone offers to host one, you can always accept.  If no one offers to host one, you don't have one.   If you want physical gifts, you should register.  Of course, you don't put the registry information in any invitations that you send out.  If people want to get you a gift, they'll ask.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

This!

artbyallie

Your bridal shower should happen before you get married since, you know, you won't be a bride any more after that. The host of the shower should only invite people who are also invited to the wedding. (The wedding is the one where you get married. Anything else is just a party, not a wedding)

And are most of the people invited to the Costa Rica vow renewal actually living there? Because if not, I agree that that seems an unnecessary hassle for people to attend something that's not a wedding.

mtbentley

I am not going to tell you what to do, but if I was invited to a "second ceremony" that was realy more of a reinactment of your real ceremony or a renewal of vows as PP said. I would be a little hurt that I wasn't important enough to be invited to the real wedding. I would not make a fuss about it because telling another bride how her wedding should be is just not me, but I would probalby wish you the best and politely decline the invite. If I was invited to a shower and not invited to the real wedding I would feel even worse because it would seem as if you only wanted me there for the gift giving. I am sure this isn't how you intended any of this but I think it is something you may want to consider

mdeidre

Actually, people do register for vow renewals.  I'm a bridal consultant for a major retailer and we have people register for them here all the time.

That being said, I don't understand having the small celebration locally, which is the one most people would be ABLE to attend without as much hardship and then having what would really be a vow renewal in Costa Rica and imposing the cost and rigors of travel when they could have attended in the town they live in.  Wouldn't it be cheaper for you to have the larger of the two celebrations in town instead of in another country?

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registry-question-two-ceremonies-one-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c8db17ca-c45d-45a9-ba6d-7eef9d2a0f26Post:b084a305-c1cb-4f0d-8956-95aa29982621">Re: Registry question: two ceremonies, one engagement party</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, people do register for vow renewals.  I'm a bridal consultant for a major retailer and we have people register for them here all the time. 
Posted by mdeidre[/QUOTE]

<div>Just people people do it doesn't mean it is ok.  People register for housewarmings and birthdays, and even set up cash registries.  It's still inappropriate.  </div>

teenie77

The costs for anything "wedding" related in this country are astronomical. It's a complete racket. So no, we can't save money by doing it here. But we can go away, essentially pay for many parts of the rigors of travel for our party (which many of our friends have not problem with because they are active travelers) and still save money over an absurdly overpriced reception here.

We need to do our ceremony locally first, because he has family that cannot travel, and we cannot afford to do anything larger than our small wedding here in the states.

@everyone: thanks for your responses. We don't need anything, and I wasn't even planning on registering, but I have a bridesmaid who is pushing me to do so. But your opinions about my choices about my wedding were great. Thank you again.

bshuvit

I do agree that having a bridal shower and inviting people that are not invited to the actual wedding is unorthadox, but ultimately you know best what is right for your situation. Its really sad that all these women have some snarky comment to make about YOUR wedding. It makes me sad to know that what is supposed to be a wonderful celebration brings out the worst in people (greed and jealousy) within this country and/or website. So what my suggestion to you would be to do exactly what makes you happy. Everyone else can go F!@# themselves. #whatabunchof angrybitchywomen on this site...

Raspberry920

I agree with bshuvit above.  People really need to get a life and stop insulting others who just want advice on the 'happiest day of their life'.

teenie77, if it helps I had GASP!!!! two wedding ceremonies and called it such.  No one was invited to the first one, except for our parents and the bridal party.  It wasn't the end of the world.  Forget what people think.  Most of them are lame-o anyway.  It's your days.   

teenie77

uh, retreadbride, you were rude. you didn't really read my initial question, and seems like assumed that i was - i don't know - gift grabbing? i wanted to know IF i should have a shower, and IF so, WHEN. you, and a bunch of these other (what seem to be) career brides just jumped into correcting not only my choice of words of what I want to do for my wedding, but the fact that I want to do it in the first place, when that wasn't even the question at hand.

you are one of the many reasons people think the knot totally sucks. you all go have a load of fun with your rule books and condescension. i'll be elsewhere.

"I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."
...yeah. no sh*t.

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registry-question-two-ceremonies-one-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:c8db17ca-c45d-45a9-ba6d-7eef9d2a0f26Post:d04255fe-672b-4cae-b1f0-dccc0b81d5bf">Re: Registry question: two ceremonies, one engagement party</a>:
[QUOTE]uh, retreadbride, you were rude. you didn't really read my initial question, and seems like assumed that i was - i don't know - gift grabbing? i wanted to know IF i should have a shower, and IF so, WHEN. you, and a bunch of these other (what seem to be) career brides just jumped into correcting not only my choice of words of what I want to do for my wedding, but the fact that I want to do it in the first place, when that wasn't even the question at hand. you are one of the many reasons people think the knot totally sucks. you all go have a load of fun with your rule books and condescension. i'll be elsewhere. "I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." ...yeah. no sh*t.
Posted by teenie77[/QUOTE]

You have a foul attitude and she was spot on....like she usually is btw.  You don't have 2 ceremonies.  The first is your actual ceremony and anything after that is considered a vow renewal.  Period.

You should stick around some more and actually learn something. 

If you think having a wedding here is expensive, then how can you justify spending money to go to Costa Rica?  This makes no sense.

Magdeline687

If this makes you happy, and you don't mind throwing etiquette to the wind, then go ahead. Many of my family members and friends would be perfectly happy with this arrangement. Plenty of people have weddings that violate etiquette, and in many social circles, no one cares. It sounds like your fiance's family will care though, if they are sticklers for etiquette. It is your decision.