Can you invite people to a shower that will not be invited to the wedding?

futuremrsvogel

A destination wedding made a big guest list cost prohibitive and impractical.  We would like to have a casual Jack & Jill shower for the bride & groom BEFORE the wedding.  They only care to register for items related to their honeymoon (new camera, cruise excursions, etc).  It doesn't seem fair to add this additional 'obligation' to the few that are invited, as they will have the extra expense of travel for the wedding.  Many people know of the pending wedding and we thought this would be a nice way for them to celebrate too.

mlg78

If they want to celebrate, throw a party after the wedding, not before.  If you're invited to a shower, you must be invited to the wedding.

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_can-you-invite-people-to-a-shower-that-will-not-be-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d709dc73-6a37-46df-b36d-71e71ca34dcbPost:c9701472-3b4b-4566-9698-e21e824647e4">Can you invite people to a shower that will not be invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]A destination wedding made a big guest list cost prohibitive and impractical.  We would like to have a casual Jack & Jill shower for the bride & groom BEFORE the wedding.  They only care to register for items related to their honeymoon (new camera, cruise excursions, etc).  It doesn't seem fair to add this additional 'obligation' to the few that are invited, as they will have the extra expense of travel for the wedding.  Many people know of the pending wedding and we thought this would be a nice way for them to celebrate too.
Posted by futuremrsvogel[/QUOTE]

<div>I didn't realize buying a gift for a wedding one is not invited to constituted 'celebrating.' This will be seen for the gift grab it is, so please don't. The bride and groom will just have to understand that a destination wedding generally means fewer wedding gifts, particularly since many guests will probably opt to give nothing or something very small due to the travel expenses.</div>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_can-you-invite-people-to-a-shower-that-will-not-be-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d709dc73-6a37-46df-b36d-71e71ca34dcbPost:c9701472-3b4b-4566-9698-e21e824647e4">Can you invite people to a shower that will not be invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]A destination wedding made a big guest list cost prohibitive and impractical.  We would like to have a casual Jack & Jill shower for the bride & groom BEFORE the wedding.  They only care to register for items related to their honeymoon (new camera, cruise excursions, etc).  It doesn't seem fair to add this additional 'obligation' to the few that are invited, as they will have the extra expense of travel for the wedding.  Many people know of the pending wedding and we thought this would be a nice way for them to celebrate too.
Posted by futuremrsvogel[/QUOTE]
Let's break this down.

The bride and groom can't afford to host all these people at their wedding, but you want these people to pay to buy them their honeymoon stuff. Simple rule of thumb, if the bride and groom can't afford to host the guest, then the guest shouldn't be expected to pay for something for their honeymoon.

There is no obligation for any of the guests. No one is obligated to pay for any aspect of the bride and groom's honeymoon.

These people want to celebrate the couple's wedding. They do not want to go to a party where they are "obligated" (your word) to buy the couple a gift and then not be invited to said wedding.
If they want to celebrate the couple's wedding and are not invited to the wedding, they will still continue living their lives normally.

Invite people who are invited to the wedding to the shower. If these people who are invited to the wedding can not or do not want to spend anymore money on the couple for a bridal shower gift, then they can simply turn down the shower invitation.

AdeleDazeem

In short?  No.

In long?  Having a Jack and Jill shower to buy gifts for the couple that they couldn't afford to host properly at the wedding is very rude.  Don't presume that people want to celebrate with their wallets.  They don't.

MyNameIsNot

It's rude to invite people to a shower if they aren't invited to the wedding.

It's also inappropriate to have a shower and only register for the honeymoon, the house, or any other cash registry.  

If I were you I would not offer to throw a shower at all.  If you want to throw something, a b-party might work.  

hoffse

This plan is rude.  The bride & groom need to understand that a destination wedding usually = few gifts.  Inviting people to a shower who are not invited to the wedding says "you aren't good enough for me to open my wallet for you, but I still want you to open your wallet for me."  See how that's rude?

Also? Careful how you phrase these sorts of discussions in real life.  Your post reads in a way that sounds like you are tired of their wedding plans and don't really want to be involved.  

positivek

Know your crowd.
I used to live in black and white on the shower=wedding issue, until I learned something new- apparently in some cultures/generations it's totally normal to throw a shower where people not invited to the wedding go to the shower (seen it done in Canada- that where you're from? since you're using the term Jack & Jill and that's not said so much in the States), so they have some sort of opportunity to celebrate the marriage (and, if relatives/friends on the groom's side, meet the bride, apparently). So, do YOU think they'll be offended? Has it been done in your circle? Think about it. If you still don't know, you just have to put the feelers out and ask on that point, if you don't have clarification.

As far as people who ARE going to the wedding, personally, again, I'm big on communication. How many of them? Can you just do a follow up call after sending the invite (or say in person) that of course a gift isn't expected?

I might get s**t for this, but given the circumstances, I don't think it's even a big deal to say on the shower invites for the wedding guests that gifts are not necessary. Ah, but that is in violation as it indicates you EXPECT gifts! Well, let's be real. It's not a crazy expectation. When we feel a drop of rain, we can reasonably assume it might pour. When throwing a shower, you can reasonably assume that given traditions, there are people who will probably feel obligated to bring a gift. That's where registries come from. Why pretend you so did not see that one coming?

Honeymoon registry: not popular here, I personally am ambivalent. Again, have you seen it done in your circle? Have you asked around as to whether this offends people? Can they make it a middle ground and keep it to physical items, like luggage, cameras, etc. etc.?

artbyallie

positive, shower = 'shower' the guest of honor with gifts. You can't have a 'no gifts please' shower, and that wasn't what OP was asking anyway, since she mentioned the couple does want gifts.

Moreover, a Jack and Jill sometimes refers to a party essentially totally funded by the guests, where people actually buy tickets and pay for their own drinks, etc. Not sure if that's what OP meant, of course, but it is a possibility.

Regardless, can you at least see how it's rude to essentially say 'you're good enough to buy me a present but not good enough to come watch me get married'?

futuremrsvogel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_can-you-invite-people-to-a-shower-that-will-not-be-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:d709dc73-6a37-46df-b36d-71e71ca34dcbPost:c9701472-3b4b-4566-9698-e21e824647e4">Can you invite people to a shower that will not be invited to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]A destination wedding made a big guest list cost prohibitive and impractical.  We would like to have a casual Jack & Jill shower for the bride & groom BEFORE the wedding.  They only care to register for items related to their honeymoon (new camera, cruise excursions, etc).  It doesn't seem fair to add this additional 'obligation' to the few that are invited, as they will have the extra expense of travel for the wedding.  Many people know of the pending wedding and we thought this would be a nice way for them to celebrate too.
Posted by futuremrsvogel[/QUOTE]

Yikes, I guess I should have gone with my gut on this one.  I felt it was not appropriate, but wanted to see what others thought.  Apologies if I offended anyone, never been involved in much wedding planning.  BTW the bride did not post this, just someone helping with the planning....