How to politely DECREASE the # of gifts

casyme

I'm getting married in October, and we plan to have a registry up by the end of May.  Between then and the wedding, we will be having two showers (two different parts of the country) and I'll be having a bachelorette party.  I really, really do not want people to buy us multiple gifts for these events plus the wedding itself, especially multiple pricey gifts off our registry.  But that seems to be how people do things these days (at least in my experience as a wedding/shower guest over the last 10 years or so), and I think that if I say nothing, people will default to the multiple-presents idea.

Is there ANY polite way of communicating to people prior to the shower or the bachelorette that we are not expecting multiple presents?  Clearly I can't put anything like that on any invites.  Is it better to spread that notion by word-of-mouth (by the shower/party planners, not by me)?  Or should I just let people do whatever people are going to do? 

sparent2010

Just let people do what they want to.

ceh789

You can decline showers.  Other than that no, you can't tell people not to give you presents.

ETA: I'm actually a little confused why you're having not one but two showers if you genuinely don't want multiple gifts.  That just makes no sense.

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_how-to-politely-decrease-the-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e4709b70-3b6b-4a6a-b59d-2f3408c280f3Post:842435f0-055e-4ad6-a373-7fd29fe33ba5">Re: How to politely DECREASE the # of gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]You can decline showers.  Other than that no, you can't tell people not to give you presents. ETA: I'm actually a little confused why you're having not one but two showers if you genuinely don't want multiple gifts.  That just makes no sense.
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]
Me too. If you don't want gifts, decline the showers.<div>
</div><div>Is there a reason you don't want gifts? No space? Already established & think you don't need anything else? Some more details could help.</div>

staceycaine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_how-to-politely-decrease-the-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e4709b70-3b6b-4a6a-b59d-2f3408c280f3Post:2a4cd5e6-6761-4a11-a93e-0830335de00f">How to politely DECREASE the # of gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm getting married in October, and we plan to have a registry up by the end of May.  Between then and the wedding, we will be having two showers (two different parts of the country) and I'll be having a bachelorette party.  <strong>I really, really do not want people to buy us multiple gifts for these events plus the wedding itself, especially multiple pricey gifts off our registry</strong>.  But that seems to be how people do things these days (at least in my experience as a wedding/shower guest over the last 10 years or so), and I think that if I say nothing, people will default to the multiple-presents idea. Is there ANY polite way of communicating to people prior to the shower or the bachelorette that we are not expecting multiple presents?  Clearly I can't put anything like that on any invites.  Is it better to spread that notion by word-of-mouth (by the shower/party planners, not by me)?  Or should I just let people do whatever people are going to do? 
Posted by casyme[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well, there shouldn't be multiple gifts, because I wouldn't invite the same person to TWO showers. I'd side-eye that hardcore. Invite one set to one, and one set to another (normally friends for one and family for another, or groom's family for one, and brides family for another). Then you only have one gift from each person. And I have never heard of gifts for a Bachelorette.

</div>

MNVegas

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_how-to-politely-decrease-the-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e4709b70-3b6b-4a6a-b59d-2f3408c280f3Post:205fb18b-41ca-427f-a61e-2c9be55f4c7a">Re: How to politely DECREASE the # of gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to politely DECREASE the # of gifts : Well, there shouldn't be multiple gifts, because I wouldn't invite the same person to TWO showers. I'd side-eye that hardcore. Invite one set to one, and one set to another (normally friends for one and family for another, or groom's family for one, and brides family for another). Then you only have one gift from each person. And I have never heard of gifts for a Bachelorette.
Posted by staceycaine[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Agree, people should not be invited to both showers. Why would people give you gifts at a bachelorette party? Usually BPs are nights out or get togethers, not gift giving events.</div><div>
</div><div>So if people are only invited to 1 shower each, there would only be the standard 1 shower gift and 1 wedding gift. Not sure what the problem is there? If you don't want any gifts, then decline the showers and only do a small registry for wedding.

</div>

ElisabethJoanne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_how-to-politely-decrease-the-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e4709b70-3b6b-4a6a-b59d-2f3408c280f3Post:2ad1d5f6-8c89-4abb-99d3-9d1d4834bdfb">Re: How to politely DECREASE the # of gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to politely DECREASE the # of gifts : Agree, people should not be invited to both showers. Why would people give you gifts at a bachelorette party? Usually BPs are nights out or get togethers, not gift giving events. So if people are only invited to 1 shower each, there would only be the standard 1 shower gift and 1 wedding gift. Not sure what the problem is there? If you don't want any gifts, then decline the showers and only do a small registry for wedding.
Posted by MNVegas[/QUOTE]

This. Also, gift-givers are grown-ups. Often they'll split what they usually spend in wedding gifts between a shower gift and a wedding gift, so they're not "out" any more money. But it's not really about the money. The gifts are emblems of their joy and goodwill. Don't fiddle with that.

AurorasEnvy

I agree, let people give you what they want to give you, or if you really don't want gifts decline the shower.

And I usually bring a gift to a bachelorette party, particularly if I am close to the bride - at the showers/b-parties I've been to, you typically bring a household gift or something off the registry to the shower and a more personal gift (lingerie, etc.) to the b-party (at least a lot of people do, although not absolutely necessary)

mtbentley

I agree with PPs that each person should only be invited to one shower but I guess you could still be concerned with someone getting you one gift at the shower and another at the wedding. If that is the case you could solve the problem by declining the showers like PPs said. Otherwise just let your guests give you however many gifts they want, they are giving you gifts because they want to, not because you are requiring them to so there is nothing to feel guilty about. 

racholas

You're having two showers in two different parts of the country - different people want to celebrate with you.  That's totally normal.  You can *try* to steer the direction (size) of the gifts by suggesting to whoever is throwing the showers (usually it's someone you're close to and comfortable with) that the showers be themed events (e.g. favorite cooking utensils, favorite family recipe, a thoughtful note with advice for the bride, etc.)  Communicate that the purpose of the message is to discourage large or expensive gifts.  The hostess will probably respect that choice and try to help out by communicating any gift guidelines.

I really don't think the guests will be offended or think you should have declined the shower if you didn't want gifts.  If I received a sincere invite where my presence and favorite family recipe were requested (since the bride will be visiting from 2000 miles away) I would totally understand.  If I really wanted to get her something tangible for the shower, I would make it small knowing it would have to be hauled back.  Yes, it's called a shower so the bride can be 'showered' with gifts, but who are we kidding.  Is anyone really going to be disappointed if they don't get to watch someone open a bunch of presents they were already expecting for an hour?

A shower with less emphasis on gifts and more emphasis on love, support and sisterhood sounds a lot nicer.

casyme

Thanks for all the responses.  Racholas, I especially liked your advice about the "bring a favorite recipe" idea - that's a great idea.  And the small registry idea, thanks to all on that.

To answer your collective questions:  There will be no overlap between the two showers - they are 3000 miles apart.  Declining them altogether isn't really an option, because their purpose is to allow long-distance friends and family to celebrate with us even though most of them won't be able to afford to come to NYC to attend the wedding.  (All will be invited, though.)  Declining them would be a big f*ck-you to everyone.

So, sounds like I should for the most part just let the gifts fall where they may.

mdeidre

You can tell the people planning both events to let people know by word of mouth that you really don't want gifts.  I got gifts at my bachelorette party, lingerie because they knew I didn't have any and I know a lot of people who got something similar at theirs'.  You can also cut the expense of the gifts down by registering for inexpensive things, people will either get you something small or a gift card which you can use for something you need.

mdeidre

Also, I like the favorite recipe idea too.  Favorite piece of relationship advice is good too.