Grandmother vs. Bride and Groom

meghanaustan

So I come from a Catholic family and was raised Catholic, and after a long talk with my father and the groom (Methodist), we've decided to have our wedding outdoors, not in a church.  We agreed that we can renew our vows in a church ceremony later down the road.  My groom and I have asked our Methodist preacher and friend to marry the 2 of us, and he's graciously agreed.  This week, my super-Catholic grandmother found out our wedding plans and is refusing to attend the wedding since it will not be a Catholic ceremony, in a Catholic church.  OUCH!  That really hurts my heart.I'd appreciate any help on how to handle her.  Any advice?Thanks a lot!

Leah&Christian09

Sorry grandma, but we are adults and we've made the decision that is best for us. We hope you'll reconsider. FYI, before you tell anyone, check with a priest about convalidation. (Blessing your vows in the catholic church). It isn't always available for everyone, so make sure it is before you count on it.

mam677

I know where you're coming from. I'm Catholic and my FI is Buddhist and we're having our Catholic ceremony at a non-denominational chapel. My mom was so freaked at first by the thought we weren't going to marry in the actual church that she made my life miserable. I thought at times that she was going to refuse to come.Does having your ceremony outdoors really mean that much to you? If not, then you can have both the Methodist preacher and a deacon/priest marry you at the Methodist church. Your fiance won't have to convert at all and both faiths can be represented. You can still have the reception outdoors. Your wedding is a year away and a lot of things are going to change in that time. Give yourself some breathing room from grandma and maybe set some time aside in a couple of weeks to talk with her. Be calm and ready to explain your reasoning. Don't get defensive with her and if she still refuses to come, tell her that you respect her beliefs and that she will be missed at the wedding. Good luck!

kmmssg

There is really only one thing to do here.  "G'ma I'm sorry that you are choosing to miss such an important occasion in my life.  I want you there, but if you choose not to attend, you will be missed."  Period. She is trying to manipulate you into changing your mind here.  I married into a Catholic family, some still practice, some don't.  I understand it is a sacrament and very important, but it is up to you and your FI to decide how important that is and if you want a Catholic church wedding, or what you are doing. Don't get into it with her.  You have to stand firm, tell her it is important to her that she attend, but if she chooses not to, she will be missed.  You have to put this back in her lap and not get into a battle with her.

Sue_sue

"We're sorry you won't be there, Gma; we'll miss you. Let us know if you change your mind; you are more than welcome to come". DO NOT BUDGE.

janedoe1113a

I say call her on her bluff.  If you really want to have your wedding outdoors and have a Methodist ceremony, that is what you should have.  If she's not going to show up at your wedding, that's her problem, not yours.

meghanaustan

Thanks, ladies, for all of the support and advice!  I'm so glad to hear it (and confirm that I'm not being cold-hearted by refusing to give in!).  Thanks a lot!!!!

PippinsMom

My sister had almost the exact same situation come up when she married a Lutheran at an outdoor ceremony.  My grandfather was refusing to come.  She managed to find a compromise by asking a Catholic deacon to perform a blessing and act as a sort of back-up for the Lutheran minister.  She also spoke to my grandfather's sister, who managed to talk some sense into him.  Your grandmother might be more comfortable with a Catholic officiant in addition to the Lutheran, even if the ceremony isn't Catholic or performed by a Catholic.  Having someone from your grandmother's own generation may have more luck winning her over.  If all else fails, just remember that this is your day.  Your grandmother already had her turn. 

aipuglover

I had the same problem with my FI mother.  She is a strict catholic and being married in a catholic church was the last thing I wanted (nothing against catholics).  I was raised Methodist and just wanted a simple ceremony without Mass.  She immediately said unless we were getting married in a catholic church she would not attend. This is the sentiment of several of her siblings as well.  At first we were devestated.  We couldn't imagine having our wedding day without his mother there.  I was crushed.  She even went as far as to say that our marriage wasn't valid in the eyes of God because we weren't getting married in the Catholic church.  But then I realized after talking to my FI grandmother (her mother), who is even more of a strict Catholic, that as long as you are married by a religous officiant of some denomination, in the eyes of God, your marriage is valid.  Grandma said she would attend even if we got married in a middle of a field.  That shook FI mom to the core.  She recinded her original position after grandma explained how she felt and after we realized that while we would miss her at the wedding, we were not going to change our minds just because of her strict views.  She agreed to come to the wedding and admitted that she was trying to get FI to go back to the Catholic church because she was upset that her other children had left the church and she was hoping he would start attending mass again.  Moral of this very long story is DO NOT LET YOUR GRANDMA MANIPULATE YOU! It is your day, be married where you want. Good luck