Am I being unreasonable? (Long-sorry)

suzieharris

My FI just started working 3 months ago after being layed off for a year.  Work is hard to find in this area it wasn't because he wasn't trying.  Well,  he has 2 daughters that we have everyother week during the summer.  He pays child support and is left with very little each week out of his paycheck.  I support his girls, my three (their dad passed away 3 years ago), my FI and myself.  I am paying for the entire wedding, rings and honeymoon.  I feel like he doesn't realize how hard things are for me financially and his girls don't seem to appreciate what I can offer them.  They live in a travel trailer with their mom at her parents house.  I'm feeling like it is expected of me to take care of everything.  
The straw that broke the camels back:
Last night I set up a queen size blow-up mattress in the office for the girls to sleep on.  They usually sleep on the trundle in my 7 year olds room and he sleeps on a box spring  on his brother's floor.  FI was upset that the girls were moved to the office.  I have worked VERY hard to have a nice home and bedrooms for all three of my kids.  I don't think it is unreasonable to want my son sleeping in his own room when there is an alternative plan for the girls.  AT LEAST THEY HAVE AIR CONDITIONING AND RUNNING WATER HERE.   
A pre-nup is order I think.
Signed, Feeling Used

SoHappyToBeMrsC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_am-being-unreasonable-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:0214236d-1824-4365-9c40-3e1c957c4723Post:4241861d-51d4-4483-a333-25ed059e769f">Am I being unreasonable? (Long-sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]  AT LEAST THEY HAVE AIR CONDITIONING AND RUNNING WATER HERE.    A pre-nup is order I think. Signed, Feeling Used
Posted by suzieharris[/QUOTE]

I don't think you need a prenup. I think you need to seriously reconsider marrying this man.

I know this will seem harsh, but what exactly does he bring to the table? You are supporting his previous family, your children, plus the two of your together. You are shouldering the burden of all daily living expenses, plus the wedding.

I don't think it's unreasonable to put the girls in an office to sleep temporarily, but if they are going to be in your lives permanently then you need to make some alternate arrangements that doesn't make them feel like second class citizens in their own home.

Since you are clearly second guessing this decision, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. There are children involved here - you cannot afford (financially or emotionally) to make such a mistake again.

At the very least, you need to put off the wedding and invest in some serious premarital counseling. It's cheaper than a divorce or a called off wedding.

Good luck.

melissamc2

A lot of people think I sound terrible - but EVERYONE should have a pre-nup.  Even people who feel like they don't "have anything to protect" should think very hard about what is important to them as they go into a marrige and if they have to come out of one.  So, yes.  Pre-nup.

As for the other - the kids aren't going to display gratefulness the way you want them to and as a Mother, I'm sure you know that already.  They are kids and will take and take and want more and more.  It's not mean, it's not greedy, it's not selfish, and it's not unappreciateive - it's just the "the world revolves around me and parents are here to provide" mentality of kids.  Sure, they need to learn appreciation and gratitude, but that comes in time.  Try not to hold it against the kids (not that you are, just wanted to point that out) - they're going through a lot of change even if it's been gradual or seems like better/easy changes.

Your fiance...I don't know him or the entire situation, so I won't jump to the "what does he offer" conclusion just yet.  As far as I know, he offers you love and that's something in and of itself.  However, he also needs to offer you respect for all that you do and I'm not hearing THAT in this post.  Odds are high that, unless he's just a total douche (which I assume he's not), not being able to provide for all of you the way he feels he "should" is causing him a bit of stress, as well as possible low self esteem inducing feelings of guilt and inadequacy.   Unfortunately, what is going on in his mind may not be at all what he's displaying to you.  It's something that requires a long talk and, potentially, outside interference.

To short-term solve this one, have you considered looking at Craigslist or Kijiji for inexpensive (or even free) bunk beds to even out the bedding situation?  While I absolutely agree that your kids should have their beds, keeping a clear divide on who gets "better" when it comes to "your" children vs "his" children will only make things more tense.  When you decided to move in together and get married, they all became "your" children and should be treated as such.  I'd hate to think of him coming in with a treat for "his" kids and not one for 'yours," you know what I mean?  I can tell you are doing all that you can (and then some), so don't think I'm taking away from that at all.  I just think evening things out for the kids will be in everyone's best interest in the long run, especially the children who are lacking so much when they are not with you.

Same goes with the money, in my opinion.  I'm hearing a lot of "mine" and "his."  If you're not willing to be an "ours" couple just yet...well, it's rough when there are scores being kept and I think it builds up over time and eventually comes out in posts like this.

Good luck.  I really hope it can work out and leave you feeling less resentful and underappreciated.    You sound like a very giving person, which is greaet - but can often be taken advantage of if you don't speak up.

AdelphiTN

I can definitely see both sides of this situation. You are doing way more than your fair share, and spreading it thin. You must be just exhausted from the responsibilities of everything.

On the other hand, his kids are soon to be a permanent part of your life and your home, not sleepover guests. Every other week in the summer is a lot of time for a kid to not have some space of their own.

I also find it interesting that you made this change with apparently no discussion with FI. I can see where he would feel blind-sided, and that you were calling the shots. And of course i see your side... Hell, you ARE the one doing it all!

But in my humble opinion, you need to make some real space for these kids in your home, and realize that your FI should be part of these decisions. It's a big change to open yourself up this way, but it's the path to happiness in a blended family.

suzieharris

I guess I didn't mention that the office is twice the size of the kids bedrooms and the oldest (12) mentioned tonight that she loves her new room.  She shares a bed with her sister in the trailer with her mom. She doesn't have a room at all there,just a bed to share.  I am working on building a murphy bed in the office as soon as I am finished paying for the wedding and honeymoon.  I have all of the specs and we will be building it ourselves.  I love my girls dearly and my FI cherishes me, not because I can help support his family.  Thank you for all of your comments.  Puts things into perspective!  And by the way.  I am an educator and the youngest (6) has a learning disability that I recognized and fought to have her tested without help from her mom.  She would not be receiving Special Education Services if not for me.  M om benefits now with Social Security Benefits because she is considers Educationally Delayed.  Yeah me!  Abbey told me this weekend that she wants to go to college and have a big house like me.  Bless her heart!   

Erin McCormack

I agree with Melissa as well, kids in general are all about " Me" until they actually grow up and have a family of their own.  They do it because they can.  With that said, don't think that just because they don't say it, or show it that they don't appreciate everythng your doing for them.  It takes time and maturity. The safety and security you are providing will speak volumes to their well being. 

Weddings are a stressfull time to begin with and like many of us adding blending in a family at the same time can push any good relationship over the edge.  As someone who has been somewhat of a pushover myself, I understand the feeling of being unappreciated, but, thats the definition of being a mother.....at least thats what I was told  

I think this is a good time to take a deep breath, think about the reasons your doing what your doing (out of love) and realize that an open conversation with your FI might be all your needing.  I know when I'm upset, feeling vulnerable or put upon talking it over with my FI is the best medicine I could find.  Hopefully, he'll understand you feelings and concerns and let you in on his as well and together you can come up with the perfect game plan to move forward with this family.  Just remember he loves you because you are the loving, caring generous woman that you are.  He sees you as a positive influence and roll model for his children and that means a lot.

The girls have already given you a hint that they like the situation,  Let them in on your thoughts and ideas, I'm sure it will give them a sense that they belong as well and I bet the excitement will ease some of the under apreciated feelings. 

Always keep in mind that your bringing love, warmth, carling and stability into their lives, it's PRICELESS!  Good luck with everything and take some time out for yourself!  You deserve it.

MikesAngie

Susie, this is the second post I have seen where you have brought up your FI's lack of gainful employment and that you have been supporting him, his girls and your three children.  That is a tough position to be in, yet you got engaged and are planning a wedding. So you knew that finances were going to be tight because when you started this process he wasn't working.  I'm hearing wedding stress, frustration and need to vent. I totally understand that and can support it!  We all need that.

If you are worried that you stand to lose more financially, should the relationship not be able to withstand the rigors of blending families, dealing with the Xw and the day to day issues that can crop up in life then get a pre-nup. It would be beneficial to understand your state's view of pre-nups and how things will be enforced as well to see if it's a worth while venture.  Pre-nup's can be a lot of money for a little protection so know what you are getting into.

edited for spelling - oops sorry...

right1thistime

The first time around -I was the wife who supported everything, paid for everything and over time, I stopped asking my H for his input- after all, it was my house, my money- why did I need to ask him?  This loss of respect for him contributed to the end of our marriage.
I vote yes for the pre-nup, yes for the heart to heart with Fi, yes to more permanent bedding.  I would also add in a vote for individual counseling for YOU.  Not because you are unreasonable- but because I think you are in a very difficult spot, and spending some time coming to terms with what you are embarking on will help.  ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin

I totally agree with Donna on this:

I vote yes for the pre-nup, yes for the heart to heart with Fi, yes to more permanent bedding.  I would also add in a vote for individual counseling for YOU.  Not because you are unreasonable- but because I think you are in a very difficult spot, and spending some time coming to terms with what you are embarking on will help.  ~Donna

To the above I would add that your fiance needs to get his support payments changed during his period of unemployment. This is available in most states, and it should not be your responsibility to pay them since he's not married to you. It's admirable that you are doing this, but he can get it changed, and should.

I am currently planning a wedding to a man who is gainfully employed (thankful for that in these times & this geograhical area). We both have incomes & pensions from prior jobs. He will be moving into my home, as his is smaller. We both have kids, who are adults & each of us has a teenager. We have already discussed the fact that I currently have 2 life insurance policies and a 401K (haven't checked THAT in a while, LOL, too scared). Anyway, our agreement, and we WILL get it in writing is how all of this will be distributed, along with my current, our future, home. All but one of our kids will be over 18 when we marry, so when we are making plans for the "future", it is just us. Neither of us will shortchange our children, nor each other, whether they are adults or not.

I guess my point is that in addition to the weight of your current situation, there will be additional issues to discuss about the future. This is why a prenup is important, and should not be dismissed as something that only truly wealthy people consider. With step families, and multiple step-kids, these are important things to get in writing. And they need to be discussed WAY in advance. If you read your post, it's all about the confusion & feelings NOW......... you really need to work with him on all of this, now and for later.

Good luck.

bklyn0671

Taking on what you are doing is a hell of a lot.  I would not do it, Sometimes LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!. RESPECT, COMMUNICATION has to come inot play somewhere in there.   Children do not ask to be born in the situation that they are in. You are a a god send to those girls, too bad their parents dont appreciate them.  Now your Fiance  needs to realize that he needs to step up and either do more or walk away from you, you deserve a hell of a lot better.  Dont mean to sound rude, but that is a lot of work.

A relationship is about being a TEAM and it seems to me you are doing you are doing all the work and he is reaping the benefits.

arv266

Sometimes we feel used and try to talk ourselves out of that feeling.  Its not so much that, as giving much more than we are getting.  Its okay to feel this way, and its okay to want to be in an equally balanced relationship.  I've been where you are, and my advice is to listen to all the PP, and to also listen to your heart. 

suzieharris

Thak you all for your heartfelt advice.  It really does mean alot and I will take all of it into consideration. 

AdelphiTN

And Suzie - i want to add... no one here doubts that you love those girls and are a wonderful, positive influence in their lives. Sending you big positive vibes as you work this out!

Erin McCormack

Ditto on the positive vibes... Sue.  Good Luck

jcaruncho2010

Wow.  This is probably the best answered post that I have read ever.  I really have nothing else to add...extremely insightful and intelligent knotties.  I know where to come if I ever have a problem I need advice for. 

Good luck, Sue.