Downplaying your wedding just because it is your second time

feelslikeadream

Ladies,

I don't check this board much but I tend to see most women downplaying their wedding because it is your second wedding.  It is my second time to and FIs but we never had big first weddings.  Not that it applies to everyone but don't think your wedding day is any less special because it isn't your first wedding.  I want every lady to be excited and feel important about her day whether it is your first or fifth marriage

IslandBeachBride

I'm downplaying mine because I have issues with my ex and his woman.  OMG, they love to start drama!  Which is why I'm eloping and no one knows, not even my kids.  They'll find out when we get back at the time of the open house.  (I'm flying my oldest in from the military - he thinks he's coming back for a family reunion)  It's not unexpected that we're getting married but when is.   The ex would find a way to attempt to make me miserable.  I figure he and her can't do much after the fact.    Needless to say, I'm excited but I can't share it with friends because honestly, people talk - regardless of how good of friends they are.

feelslikeadream

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_downplaying-wedding-just-because-second-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:02e3d146-dbca-46ff-8aa2-113cddd66ed7Post:9113e63c-1ce7-4d5a-8b38-24d37c2805ad">Re: Downplaying your wedding just because it is your second time</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm downplaying mine because I have issues with my ex and his woman.  OMG, they love to start drama!  Which is why I'm eloping and no one knows, not even my kids.  They'll find out when we get back at the time of the open house.  (I'm flying my oldest in from the military - he thinks he's coming back for a family reunion)  It's not unexpected that we're getting married but when is.   The ex would find a way to attempt to make me miserable.  I figure he and her can't do much after the fact.    Needless to say, I'm excited but I can't share it with friends because honestly, people talk - regardless of how good of friends they are.
Posted by IslandBeachBride[/QUOTE]

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</div><div>Very true about people..that's too bad that something that should be such a happy thing has to be kept quiet because of others.</div><div>
</div><div>No matter whether you elope or have a huge wedding it doesn't matter..I just hate to see when brides can't be really happy for themselves because of others thoughts, opinions or actions.  I didn't neccessarily mean the wedding itself just the mental part of it and "it not being a big deal because it's a second wedding" way of thinking.</div><div>
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shytownkelly

We aren't downplaying ours because its a second marriage - but because we aren't wedding obsessed.  Yeah there has been a lot of work going into the planning - but I am the one (or with FI) doing it.  I occasionally show off something I've accomplished to my mom - but otherwise no one really cares that much about the details of the wedding other than FI and me.

Our friends and family are happy for us - and they are looking forward to celebrating - but they really don't care if I find the *perfect* shade of cream roses to go with my dress or not.  You know what I mean?

mybooboos

I don't think the wedding is "downplayed" as much as it's being prioritized.  Speaking for myself and some others, there are kids, bills, households to run, exs to deal with, aging parents, school (adult or child), and just life, so the wedding ends up being exciting and special, but not the main focus for day-to-day living.

Ours is not downplayed, but I don't talk about it much to family and friends, because they all have more important things going on in their lives (illness, aging parents, aging kids, etc), but if they ask me, I'm more than happy to give out details!!

Happy Planning!!

MikesAngie

Our wedding wasn't downplayed at all!  It was attended by those that wanted to be there, and we had a good time.  It was small but it was still bigger than our previous weddings that was just due to the show of guests.  Our bridal party had 4 to a side plus my DH's daughter.

We have over 1000 professional pictures to go through and find our favorites.

butterflyroy78

I was thinking the same thing as I was reading through the SW threads. I fully believe that a second wedding deserves a shower and all the hoops and whistles that a first one did! So I got it wrong the first time, I would like to think that I learned and moved forward and that this one is the "real"one!
PS I was 19 for my first wedding....Too young.

mmhepb

I'm not to the planning stage yet, but I know my 2nd wedding will be bigger than my first.  My first wedding  I was 19 and we just went to the JP on a Friday evening.  I had to go back to work on Saturday morning.  We had two friends as witnesses, no family, no hoopla leading up to the event, nothing.

I'm not sure if we will do showers, parties, and all that this time, but we have talked about wanting a ceremony at the lake with some sort of dinner reception after.  This time I feel like I want to shout to everyone that I'm in love and going to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful man.  

feelslikeadream

My first wedding was just as dumb as the idiot I married  Seriously though we planned it for about a month and then he and I went to Vegas.  I got to wear my dress for all of 30 minutes and it was over.  I giggled the whole time because I was nervous and couldn't believe I was getting married (I was sober too).  It lasted a whole year and a half and took me 4 years after that to get the divorce finalized.  I got a beautiful daughter who is 5 tomorrow out of it.  Her biological "father" hasn't seen her since she was 6 months old except for 30 minutes at a park 2 years ago.  He complained in Child Support Court that I didn't let him see her.  The court didn't care that he was claiming that,  but I told him he could see her when he wanted and offered to let him visit her that day which he did and then nothing after that at all.

Everything happens for a reason though.  My beautiful daughter knows FI as "Dadda" since he has been around since she was only one and a half.  If my ex had been in the picture he still wouldn't have been HALF the man or Father my soon to be Husband is.  One day when the time is right we will explain it to her but we are both blessed to have him in our lives.

Anyways, I'm glad you ladies are excited and happy.  I'm the same way, I don't talk about the wedding much unless someone asks.  I just want every lady on here to feel excited and happy about their wedding no matter how big or small, or happy or opinionated others are about it.

Lisa50

I am NOT downplaying this wedding, which is my second.  It will be a joyful celebration with dear friends and close family in attendance.  We can't wait!

I do not have the guilt or angst which seems to drive the types of posts you cite.  I have noticed this trend, but it is a relatively recent one -- not at all the tone on this board a year ago.  I suspect these trends, like all others, ebb and flow.  I hope so, because it has been bringing me down.

53 days to go ... woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!

right1thistime

Although I have been married 5 years come July, we certainly didn't downplay it.  We DID prioritize as PP said.  We invited the people we wanted to celebrate with, and did not invite any "musts" who did not fit that bill.  We didn't expect anyone else to plan, pay for, squee, get excited, or clean up after our wedding.  We tasted our own cake, chose our own flowers, signed our own contracts, and selected our own menu.  We didn't have expectations that our loved ones couldn't meet. 
I agree with Lisa, there's been a lot of "I'm not worthy" on the board lately.  I think that if you judge your value in the eyes of others, you will be disappointed. 
So here, here to holding your head high and making your celebration worthy of the joy you feel.  ~Donna

lindaloulubbock

I have a lot of that type of angst.  Not because I personally feel this wedding or marriage won't be special, but because I have been told by several people close to me that it's basically an inconvenience for them.  It's hard to overcome hearing that from someone who should feel much differently.

I have to agree, though, that priorities are a huge part of the importance of this wedding in my life. It is important to me because it is important to FI, and I want him to be happy and have a wedding day to remember.  However, I also have a full time, demanding job, two small children, and a home that are also important.  There's just not the time, energy, and enthusiasm I had the first time.  And since I'm doing this all on my own (with FIs help), there's no one to fill in the gaps when I get busy or overwhelmed.  

In the grand scheme of our lives together, this will be one day, and this one day will be equally significant to me if it is in front of 300 friends at a $60,000 affair or in front of our children in our backyard. Either way, 1 month from today, he will be my husband and I will be his wife, and we'll wake up together and go to sleep together and fold laundry and mop kitchen floors and plant our garden and raise two amazing children.   

Hays2be

I was 19 and pregnant the first time, so family and whoever wanted to come from the church we were attending.  It lasted 2 years.

We eloped the second time, with only my daughter present.  That lasted 20 years.

He did a JOP wedding and it lasted 15 years.

This time, we have a 56 person guest list and they are all important to us.  We're essentially having a dinner party and getting married in the middle.  Not necessarily downplaying, but it's actually bigger than either one of our previous weddings.  It's actually bigger than either of us really wanted, but family wanted to come.  We didn't think any of them would be interested, but they immediately said so after us telling them we were getting married.

vexie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_downplaying-wedding-just-because-second-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:02e3d146-dbca-46ff-8aa2-113cddd66ed7Post:06db5c13-c6bf-4a33-ab8b-7393dcf56a2c">Re: Downplaying your wedding just because it is your second time</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>We aren't downplaying ours because its a second marriage - but because we aren't wedding obsessed</strong>.  Yeah there has been a lot of work going into the planning - but I am the one (or with FI) doing it.  I occasionally show off something I've accomplished to my mom - but otherwise no one really cares that much about the details of the wedding other than FI and me. Our friends and family are happy for us - and they are looking forward to celebrating - but they really don't care if I find the *perfect* shade of cream roses to go with my dress or not.  You know what I mean?
Posted by shytownkelly[/QUOTE]

This! :)   This wedding is so incredibly super important to me.. we're actually having a bigger 'to-do' than my first one, but my priorities are different this time around, we're planning (and paying!) for it on our own and there are a lot of frivilous things we're leaving out... not because the wedding isn't important but because those frivilous little things aren't important!!

fireytiger

I wouldn't say i'm downplaying my wedding. To be honest, it's a vast improvement from the first wedding lol. We just decided to get married by the JOP with only two friends and my parents in attendance, and we almost didn't even have that. We got married for all the wrong reasons, we loved each other and planned to get married someday, but we got married as soon as I turned 18 and my ex got out of military tech training, because he convinced me of a lie that if we didn't do it then, we'd have to be apart for another 3 years. I'd just went through being apart from him for 9 months at that point and was so miserable that I couldn't imagine going another 3 years!! We divorced after only 8 months, and even though we had no kids and very few assets, he made my life living hell throughout it.

This time, we're mostly having the wedding we wanted. I'm disappointed that almost none of my family can be bothered to come (only my dad and grandma). I'm also disappointed that throughout all the financial issues we've had, we had to cut way back on a lot of things, and make a few huge sacrifices that really upset me. At this point though, I still feel like we're going to have the wedding we wanted anyway, because we'll both be there with about 35 of our family and friends. It will be intimate, it will be beautiful (I hope lol) and at the end of the day we'll be married.

Overall, I think that if my first marriage taught me anything, it's that even if you don't have everything you dreamed of at your wedding, you're still married at the end of the day. It's a good lesson that's helped me look past a lot of things that would make other brides go into psycho mode, lol. And that's gotta be the best part, is walking out of the church knowing that we've commited to each other in such a special way.