Anyone else???

Mikesgal419

Does anyone else have an ex jerk who is still trying to control them through their kids??
I get 2 weeks uninterrrupted time with my kids during the summer (as does my ex). I have majority of custody for my 5 kids. Well, I just put in my 2 weeks vaca request so I can have my kids at my wedding. And my ex is fighting me tooth and nail about it. Saying that those weeks may be the only vaca he gets. Okay, after 12 years of marriage, he has never taken the first week of June off for vaca. I KNOW how his vaca requests go. And I also know that he can pretty much take vaca anytime he wants as long as they aren't short at work.
He is trying to ruin my wedding. I WANT my kids there. I will NOT get married without them. He up and eloped with his bimbo without even giving the kids a thought.

I will fight him tooth and nail on this, but is anyone else going through or has anyone else gone through this?? I can't wait to plan my wedding until Feb to find out when he gets his vacation. I mean, it's not like I want him taking the kids, this is for MY time with them.

mmmendi

I am fortunate that he sticks to the "written" rules, where our boys are concerned, but in every other aspect I have continued to fight for my freedom from a controlling ex, yes. Luckily, I am blessed to have a protective H now that acts as physical barrier and helps encourage healthy emotional and mental barriers as well.

coopsbaby

My ex totally would try that, fortunately for me they're all older (youngest is 15) so they don't let him pull any crap. Ex is NOT happy that I'm taking them to Vegas, but there's nothing he can legally do about it, and the kids are psyched so would be mad at HIM if they didn't get to go.

Their dad does not have ANY formal visitation or custody at all though, he needs my permission to see them so it's hard for him to mees with my plans a lot, he just badmouths me and fi to the kids which makes him sound jealous and bitter and doesn't help his case.

ExH was badmouthing my fi on the phone to my 17 year old the other day and she got MAD and told him not to talk that way about her future stepdad because he's good to her and loves her. Gotta love it when the kids are old enough to fight their own battles and aren't manipulated by a bitter parent! Hope it works out well for you. I wouldn't dream of getting married without my babies there either!

BeccaD75

I'm really sorry. (((Hugs))) to you. My kids are almost 11 and 7 so they are still young and although my x is extremely controlling, when it comes to the kids he is pretty good. Funny thing is he has majority custody. On the other hand, FI has massive issues with his x. His girls are almost 10 and 8, and they have 50/50 custody. Reason why they are still separated after 2 1/2 years and STILL not divorced. Custody is settled and has been, but she is fighting stupid crap like what day vaca has to be decided, like April 1st as opposed to May 1st and won't sign the separation agreement. Holding up the divorce. The funny thing is she is seeing someone and planning on getting married. Makes no sense. Just being controlling and difficult.

So yes, I totally get it, but it doesn't make it fair or easy. And no, you shouldn't get married without your kids there and no, you can't hold until February for him to decide on his vaca. He's just being controlling and difficult. Is there a way around this? Is there something in writing about vaca that gets you around this? Can you contact your lawyer?

Jells2dot0

I understand, but from a slightly different perspective. It's not my ex that is a pain (I do not have any children), but it's my DH's ex. When the kids were younger, I had to submit to her a calender in January with every weekend highlighted that we had the girls and the two weeks each summer that we wanted and any other things that were important- for the entire year. I had to plan in January for July or November. It was ridiculous. And, if we had something come up that we needed a weekend off from the kids, we not only had to swap weekends, but she kept track of the number of days we had them versus her. It had to be exactly equal or she pitched a fit. It wasn't until one of the girls graduated from high school and they had to go to court to redo the child support that the court put her in her place. Anyway, so what we did, which wasn't right, was we documented everything in e-mail and if we also felt strongly about having a weekend off (like, if someone was getting married and we had to travel for a weekend), we offered her something extra, like having the kids for an additional weekend. She valued her time away from them (great, huh?). In your case, if he values his time with the kids, offer him two extra weekends or nights in return for your two weeks. Also, is there a statement in your decree about requesitng the kids for family events? My DH has a statement in his decree about being able to request extra time or time outside of the agreed upon visitation schedule to have the kids attend family weddings or funerals and that the other parent should make every attempt to honor that request. You can throw that in his face and remind him it's something he agreed to during the divorce proceedings. I'd hate to see you have to go to a lawyer or anything, as that costs money and with a wedding in the works, the last thing you want is to spend more money on something that should be common sense.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:03ef2283-7782-40c7-be3a-56c51b8b2f90Post:b545f040-7ea2-4f40-b4fa-80eb1eae563a">Re: Anyone else???</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand, but from a slightly different perspective. It's not my ex that is a pain (I do not have any children), but it's my DH's ex. When the kids were younger, <font color="#800080"><strong>I had to submit to her a calender in January with every weekend highlighted that we had the girls and the two weeks each summer that we wanted and any other things that were important- for the entire year. I had to plan in January for July or November. </strong></font>It was ridiculous. And, if we had something come up that we needed a weekend off from the kids, we not only had to swap weekends, but she kept track of the number of days we had them versus her. It had to be exactly equal or she pitched a fit. It wasn't until one of the girls graduated from high school and they had to go to court to redo the child support that the court put her in her place. Anyway, so what we did, which wasn't right, was we documented everything in e-mail and if we also felt strongly about having a weekend off (like, if someone was getting married and we had to travel for a weekend), we offered her something extra, like having the kids for an additional weekend. She valued her time away from them (great, huh?). In your case, if he values his time with the kids, offer him two extra weekends or nights in return for your two weeks. Also, is there a statement in your decree about requesitng the kids for family events? My DH has a statement in his decree about being able to request extra time or time outside of the agreed upon visitation schedule to have the kids attend family weddings or funerals and that the other parent should make every attempt to honor that request. You can throw that in his face and remind him it's something he agreed to during the divorce proceedings. I'd hate to see you have to go to a lawyer or anything, as that costs money and with a wedding in the works, the last thing you want is to spend more money on something that should be common sense.
Posted by Jells2dot0[/QUOTE]

Sorry to threadjack, OP, but ... Jells, why are YOU responsible for submitting calendars, schedules and such to H's ex-wife <em>their </em>children?  Has your H's ex bullied him so thoroughly that he cannot take care of these things?  So sorry you have that burden to bear.

OP ... With a college-age child, there are no visitation issues in my situation, but there is the ongoing battle about college tuition.  I deal with exH a couple of times each semester and he (exH) acts like an absolute jerk, never paying his full share.

I try to learn coping mechanisms -- anticipate his ridiculous excuses and accept that, for the most part, I will have to deal with it on my own.  Hang in there.  Perspective is key!  I will confess, each time I tell myself I'm not going to let him get me frazzled, it only works out 50% of the time, but that's better than it used to be, when he successfully pushed my buttons 100% of the time.  Good luck!

Jells2dot0

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:03ef2283-7782-40c7-be3a-56c51b8b2f90Post:1f809e40-b55b-4552-8c73-ea5664d1c58c">Re: Anyone else???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Anyone else??? : <strong>Sorry to threadjack, OP, but ... Jells, why are YOU responsible for submitting calendars, schedules and such to H's ex-wife their children?  Has your H's ex bullied him so thoroughly that he cannot take care of these things?  So sorry you have that burden to bear</strong>. Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

He was bullied to no end in his previous marriage. So, that is part of the reason, but it's mostly just that I'm the planner and organizer for all events and vacations. Since we work at the same place and know each other's vacation allowances and such, I just made it easy for him by taking our corporate calender and highlighting when I thought we'd go on vacation or when we'd have to travel back to see family. As a side note, though- when we first started dating, his grandmother passed away. He found out on a Thursday and the funeral was scheduled for a Monday morning. The weekend that he would have to travel on to get home in time for the funeral was a weekend we had the kids. So, he called his ex, told her the situation, and asked to return the kids early on Sunday so he could get back home by Sunday night. SHE SAID NO!!!! She had already made plans (NOT out of town plans, BTW) and couldn't accommodate having the kids home before 6pm on Sunday. The kids were 14 and 11, so it's not like they couldn't sit at home all day on a Sunday. So, I ended up not being able to attend the funeral because someone needed to drive the kids back to their mom's on Sunday night. Thankfully, his youngest is now turning 18 in a few days and is movnig in with us, so we're officially done with her bullsh!t.

Mikesgal419

In our custody papers, it says we have to agree upon a time for vaca. My X says he loves to spend time with the kids, but he never takes advantage when they are out of school on a day before his visits (he gets the emails from the school, he can read when they are off, plus I give him plenty of notice). I have a fear that he is goig to purposely request THAT same weekend off for his summer vaca. Then I think it works out that the parent who requested it first, gets it (but it doesnt specify) . I do have an attorney, and honestly, I don't care how much it costs, I want a clear and precise outline for eveything. The only time he ever follows the court order is when I have to drive over 2 hours to pick the kids up from him. We started the whole thing with a mediator and everything was very peaceful, until I moved on. Then he became one of the worst human beings I know. He drags our kids into everything and... GRRR... It's a mess. 
FI is great and understanding and when I said that I don't care if we have to call everyone and email and whatever because we have to change the date (we JUST sent out our STDs before my X started this) to have my kids there, he said okay. We'll do whatever we have to.
Thank you for all of your input ladies.