How About A Post On The Kids NOT Attending The Wedding?

gonnaberachelk

Second (and last) wedding for FI and I. We have 4 kids, ages 3-10. We really want something small and intimate and are on the fence about having the children at the ceremony.

We will be having a large reception after (could be a few weeks after) which they will absolutely attend - AND - we plan on doing something ceremonial to "blend" our families as well. Not crazy about the sand ceremony, but I think having the pastor introduce us as a family or something along those lines. I want them to feel included, but we don't necessarily want them at the ceremony itself. We can't decide.

We have already started talking about this openly with them so that they know that they may or may not go at this point. If we decide to do a destination wedding in Hawaii - they absolutely will not go. If we do it within driving distance, then we have a choice to make...

We don't want to feel guilty about making this about us + God. Yes the kids are of utmost importance, and yes we will be a family of 6 every day... but when we close our eyes and imagine our day, it's only him, and me, and the pastor.

Thoughts? How have you seen this handled?

MikesAngie

The best advice I have seen given on this board bears repeating: find a quiet moment and sit with your FI and reminisce about your wedding as though it's a week after. Who was there? What did you love? What would you change? That will go a long way in helping you plan your day.  It will also help guide you in which direction to go feeling the warm sand between your toes or snow flakes softly falling on your cheeks. Kids in attendance or just the two of you.

HTH

handfast4me

When I got married a couple of years ago, it was just  the two of us, with the offiiciant, on a beach.  A year and a half earlier, when we were handfasted, it was just the High Priestess and Priest, and the two of us.

I find it TOTALLY appropriate to do what YOU want to do.  We were able to say things to one another during both ceremonies that we would not have said if others were there, especially children.  My daughter is grown, and has a daughter of her own, but it was the same to me. 

A lot of people think that marriages are "family" events, and I do think they can effect the entire family, but the wedding itself is between those two adults, and I don't think it's appropriate at all for children who are of the age to not understand the commitment to be there, whether included in the ceremony or not--it starts that whole  pretty pretty princess day thinking that is prevalent in this country. 
Just my opinion, but I've done some extensive thought about it. 

gonnaberachelk

This:

"A lot of people think that marriages are "family" events, and I do think they can effect the entire family, but the wedding itself is between those two adults, and I don't think it's appropriate at all for children who are of the age to not understand the commitment to be there, whether included in the ceremony or not"

helps!

Thanks!

Anyone else?

arv266

At the end of the day, it call comes down to what you and your FI want.  There is no hard fast rule that people stick to.  My FI and I have a combined family of 4 kids ranging from 10 to 22.  For the two of us, our wedding ceremony is completely and totally a family event.  Our vision of our wedding included our children and family.  But this is only MY vision, and not yours. 

Weddings come in all different shapes and sizes.  None are "right" or "wrong" or necessarily "different".  They are just what fits the bride and groom.  Find what fits for the two of you. 

right1thistime

I think its absolutely fine to not have the children there for the ceremony.  Especially if you are including them in the celebration. 
My only advice would be to be transparent with them about this being YOUR choice.  If you say, "children aren't allowed at weddings" and in a year they get invited to cousin Julie's wedding, they will feel lied to. 

Secondly, young children fill the gaps in with their imagination.  So they will be best served if you describe in general terms to them what will take place, what you will do & say, etc.  Otherwise they may come up with some bizarre scenario that could be disturbing. 

My personal opinion is that sometimes parents wrap their whole world around the children, and lose track of their selves as a couple.  I think your plan is a great start to a combined (and busy!) life.  ~Donna

gonnaberachelk

Ooooh - this, this, this!!!

"sometimes parents wrap their whole world around the children, and lose track of their selves as a couple.  I think your plan is a great start to a combined (and busy!) life."

Right! Because in 15 years when the youngest is gone... it will be my loving husband and I at home, alone. We are their foundation only - and we stand alone as a unit. Raising children is the phase... we are always. (Not to say that we won't always be heavily involved parents, but hopefully you know what I mean...)

Lisa50

Just the two of you sounds absolutely, wonderfully romantic.  And perfect.  Go for it!!

right1thistime

I wouldn't count out what Retread wrote, but I think that with a good amount of explanation and frank dialogue, the 10 yr. old will get it and be ok with it.  Ony you as parents know which child will be sensitive and hurt, and which child will be curious and confused and which child will be more interested in what's on TV.  ~Donna

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_post-kids-not-attending-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:075909d7-1996-4744-aa32-e36164dfe94dPost:3bdf1b04-b114-45f5-8509-790170c24f82">Re: How About A Post On The Kids NOT Attending The Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ooooh - this, this, this!!! "sometimes parents wrap their whole world around the children, and lose track of their selves as a couple.  I think your plan is a great start to a combined (and busy!) life." Right! Because in 15 years when the youngest is gone... it will be my loving husband and I at home, alone. We are their foundation only - and<strong> we stand alone as a unit</strong>. Raising children is the phase... <strong>we are always</strong>. (Not to say that we won't always be heavily involved parents, but hopefully you know what I mean...)
Posted by gonnaberachelk[/QUOTE]

Not to thread hijack, but I love these two phrases. 

arv266

My personal opinion is that sometimes parents wrap their whole world around the children, and lose track of their selves as a couple.  I think your plan is a great start to a combined (and busy!) life.  ~Donna

As a parent, and a FI, I get this....  But I think that there is an ebb and flow to being a parent and being in a committed relationship.  For every parent that is wrapped up in their children's need, there is a person wrapped up in the needs of their partner.  You need give and take, you need balance, you need to assess who needs me now?

OP, you don't need validation for having a private ceremony.  However, I think you should own up to.  Its not that you are having a  private ceremony becuase the kids won't get it, or they will be gone in 15 years, or for any other validating reason.  Its because this is how you chose to start your married life.  Plain and simple. 

That being said, second time brides with children have an adiditional balancing act - our kids and our future step children.  I don't think it is necessary to change your plans for the sake of the kids, but as 2nd Bride posted, I do think that you should be aware of some hurt feelings.  How are your kids taking your engagement?  Will it be a life altering event for them? 

right1thistime

Arv -I actually feel very strongly about this.  I think that as a single mother, doing ALL the work, worrying and wondering-- my whole life was focused on my kids.  The last thing I want, however, is to have them grow up and have me suddenly look at my life and see a vast void where they used to be.  Or to end up intruding into the life my children call their own, such that they are finding ways to avoid me.  Obviously there is a happy medium somewhere in there, and I hope most people find it.  But part of making ME happy was devoting time and energy to my partner/spouse.  Since I decided I couldn't sleep any less than I already was, and my job demanded continued commitment to it, some of that time came from time previously devoted to my children.  I think children grow up healthier and with more emotional intelligence if they see a parental partnership that is cared for, loving and worked on.  Marriage isn't magic that happens after the kids are asleep.   (Well maybe a little bit.)  I'd rather they see us sharing time together - without them.  NOT that they are never included, they often are.  Just not every time.

I do agree with you that she doens't need any excuse to do this the way that makes her and her Fi happiest.  ~Donna

MikesAngie

This series of posts has really given me pause...

Until I became engaged I truly felt that the wedding ceremony was strictly between the two adults making their pledges to one another, and certainly the marriage is about those pledges and building a united life together.  But...

My FI has a daughter whose mother is an alcoholic and has been since she was 3 she is now 17. Her mother was not involved in caring for, teaching or mothering the daughter, and after the divorce still isn't.  The xW lives over 3K miles away and has called twice in a year's time, ignored the child's birthday and sent two random cards.

I have been "mothering" the daughter for almost a year now, and we are very bonded.  Being a mom is tough work, so is being a step-mom.

When we got engaged it was clear to me that "our" daughter would be a part of the ceremony - not the vows but standing with her dad as we exchange vows and we will be doing a sand ceremony so that there is a visual reminder of the strength of our commitment to our union and the building of our family.

To the OP this is your wedding ceremony do it your way; celebrate your love, your commitment your way.  Own up to what you want to do, be very clear with your children about why you are having the ceremony that you want, assure them that they are part of a new family and listen to them if they voice concerns or hurt feelings.

arv266

Donna,

When I was a single mom, my motto was -- In case of emergency done the oxygen mask first, and then assist small children.  If I didn't take care of myself then I would be completely and totally useless to my kids. 

Just wanted you to know that I get it.   But there is the flip side of the kids becoming adjusted to their new life.  As much as I wanted happiness with my partner, I did have to realize that my decision greatly affected their lives.  Some 10 year olds couldnt care less, but some will.  The point I was trying to make was - don't come up with reasons why; just own it and do it.  The kids need to see that conviction, not hear reasons. 

Its not that I completely disagree with you, but wanted to put another point of view out there. 

right1thistime

Arv - I agree with you.  Anyone who thinks beginning a relationship after the end of another one with kids in tow is simple, clean or easy obviously never had children.  Making it permanent requires a ton of parental effort to keep the children feeling secure and included.  I like what you wrote about owning her decision, I see what you are saying.  This is my decision, here's why I am doing it this way, if you have thoughts or feelings, speak up and let's get them out in the open .  Good.  ~Donna

AmeliaAndSeth8890

I think I might have a semi-helpful view for you, OP.
I was 11 when my mother married my step-dad 10+ years ago. My brothers were 6 and 3. We attended the wedding ceremony (it was just us, mom and stepdad, and grandparents as this was my step-dad's first wedding).

I can honestly tell you that I had absolutely no idea what was being said, so if it was intimate I didn't know/blush/care. I did enjoy being present at the ceremony because it was a big change in my life as well. And I can look back now and I know that I was there. We were not included in my Dad & Step-Mom's wedding (for several reasons) but it feels different to me because I can't say "Oh I remember that..."

I think my parents did a good job including us in everything that included joining lives. Everything that we needed to be included in, that is. When step-dad proposed, he proposed to us first and then mom with the ring (she was crying by that time). He had one of those necklaces that you can add onto. (3 charm pieces representing each of us. They added one piece onto this when they adopted my sister years later.) It was all so exciting. I can say that both myself and my oldest brother knew what was going on - 3 year old brother was just happy to eat cake later.

I was just telling you this because: 1) I enjoyed being there for her wedding and having those memories and 2) I thought the charm necklace/bracelet might be a cool idea for uniting your two families. It makes it look "solid" to the kids. And it's cool that she still has it and we remember what it meant. You could do many different variations of this - maybe each kid gets something symbolic? All of the above?

As far as including them in the ceremony - it could go either way. If you think they won't mind now or later, then by all means do just the two of you. But like a PP said - the older kids might not like this and it does matter. OR they might love not having to sit through it. You know your kids better than any of us.

Good Luck and Congrats!

roaaoife

I think it depends on the relationship with the step kids. As a childcare professional, I have seen all sort of relationships with step-parents, but the one that comes up the most is resentment for taking their natural parent away. Often, the children feel like they are being replaced, that mommy or daddy is getting a new family that they aren't a part of.  If you or your FI don't have a strong relationship with the soon-to-be step-kids, not having them at the ceremony will only reinforce this idea.

However, if you do have a strong relationship, if the kids are accepting of the relationship and the transition has been going well so far, you're probably safe not having them there. 

My FI's kids may not be at our wedding, depending on what their mom says, and it bothers both of us a lot. 

melissamc2

I have a lot of thoughts on this whole subject - some are in tune with what others have said and some may bring out the lynch mob.

First, the pretty easy parts -

1.  I DO believe the marriage is between the two adults marrying one another and no on else.  I do not believe in "family" vows, sand ceremonies, unity candles, or anything that brings another person into the actual commiting to one another portion of things. 

2.  I also believe that WEDDINGS are family events because they not only bring two people together, they, in many ways, bring two families together - particularly if one or both of you already have children.


Now, for the potentially controversial part -

Sure, ideally it will always be the two of you together.

HOWEVER, the majority of us on this board know that is NOT always the case.  That's not me being negative, that's me being realisitc.  Like it or not, just statistically speaking, all of us are NOT going to stay married to the person we just married/are about to marry.  I'd love for us to all have the happily ever after, but it's not going to happen.  In fact, we've already seen it take place on this board.

Our (we Moms on this board) previous marriages ended - but our children remained our children, and they will remain so regardless of what happens throughout the course of these marriages.  I am ALL FOR having "adult" time, and take full advantage of it when it is possible, but I am also all for letting my children know that they are not being cast aside because MY life is "moving on."   If they were adult children, my tune would be much different, but younger children who have already gone through one life changing event (the divorce from their other parent) need to know that they aren't just baggage and can often take NOT being included as a huge sign of being edged out.  (Whether that is what is happening or not doesn't matter - they are kids and have kid thoughts, no matter how mature they are for their age or how much you think they understand.  Retread and I seem to think alike in that area.)

My thoughts may seem a bit contradictory, but with any luck it will make sense to a few.  I believe it is very possible to make it about the couple but include the entire family.


We all do things differently, though, so it's none of my business what you choose to do or why - that's just my answer to your question.

MikesAngie

My last few cents on the subject. 

My Dad and Mom (the only Mom I know) got married it was just after my 16th birthday and all of the girls were in attendance.  My step-sister who was 12 at the time and an adopted sister who was 9 - it made their union all the more real for us and also helped in bringing us together as a family,   We were not part of the ceremony but when my parents were introduced we were included in the introduction. 

It also help us in accepting our new little sister when she was born 3 years later... Because we had our understanding of their vows and what that meant to us as a family.