on the fence about including dd in ceremony: Input wanted!

nmeirose

I am really on the fence about it!  My dd is 6 and I have her as my maid of honor bc I really wanted her to feel special and included.  Sometimes I want to do something like a sand ceremony to include her in the actual ceremony, but I really feel like I go back and forth about it.  

What did you all do/ are planning to do?  Anyone do one thing and wish they did another?  My dd is usually very outgoing but like any child this age once in a while she can get shy, so I don't want her to feel pressure.  

Part of me wants the ceremony to be about me and FI, and not include her beyond her being in the wedding party- then 15 min later I want the ceremony to be about our new family.

I guess I have a few months to figure this out, but would love all y'alls input!

FI is open either way, whatever I decide.  Thanks so much,

Noelle

2dBride

I am really opposed to including children in the ceremony, other than as attendants.  Kids already have a tendency to blame themselves if anything goes wrong in their parents' marriage.  If you make the child feel that the marriage was his/her decision, that is just going to be exacerbated.  Realistically, the marriage is between you and your FI, and the children do not get a vote in it.

mybooboos

My daughters are walking me down the aisle, then sitting down for the rest of the service, so I agree with the 2ndBride, the wedding should be about the couple.  It's only you two getting married and exchanging vows, not the whole family.  You could always do something before or after the ceremony, to express how your marriage also unites the family.

 

MikesAngie

Since your daughter is 6 and the meaning of the ceremony might be a little confusing for her especially if her dad is in the picture, I would suggest actually having her as a flower girl that stands up with you and not a MOH.

My DSD was 17 when we got married and really wanted something that signified her place in our new family.  This was her choice, she was given a ring that was mine as a promise that I would love her as my own.  She turned 18 just days later.

At the end of our pledges and vows, we also did a sand ceremony - again the hubby and DSD's choice. 

I am not a fan of family vows and our sand ceremony was written not as vows but the action of integrating the sand was explained to our guests while we poured it into the containment vessel. 

The only vows and pledges were between my DH and me.

right1thistime

My personal opinion is that ceremonies that ask the child to be an active participant in the union of the couple, and the acceptance of the step parent into the family can portray their power in teh relationship as being more influential than it should be. 

Teenagers often rebel, and often moreso against the step parent.  A child who thinks they were given some say in the matter will later use that against the stepparent. 

Heck, as I was starting to date, I said to my young children, who were afraid of me dating, "Don't worry, I will be sure to only date people you like."  (This was dumb.  I was not very savvy at this point..)  You can be sure that 4 years later as my DD was a 13 year old and mad at me, she told me that DH (Fi @ the time) was a jerk (or worse) and that I had "promised her that if she didn't like someone I was with, I would not stay with them".  OY! 
She likes him fine now. ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin

She's really too young to grasp the importance of playing a part in your big day. She wouldn't understand a sand ceremony, the symbolism and message it sends.

Have her as your flower girl/junior bridesmaid. She can stand next to you if you choose during the ceremony. If your fiance chooses to, he could buy her something personal to save for the future, like a pretty necklace with her birthstone, or something like that. It doesn't even have to be expensive. It's a symbolism a child can understand, "you mean something to me and I will be here with your Mom always".

FWIW, my daughter is my MOH at our wedding this August and she is 16. SHE gets the significance...... she is my beloved daughter, has lived through the tough times when her dad and I ceased to be a couple, and she knows my fiance makes me VERY happy.  I don't think a 6 year old grasps this concept.

lindaloulubbock

My 6 year old daughter will be our flower girl and my son will escort me down the aisle (or walk with my daughter-whichever he wants on that day).  We're not including them in the ceremony, but I imagine they may get a mention in the sermon.  We might have a family dance at the reception or we might not.

I'm personally not a fan of having children involved in the ceremony beyond serving as attendants.

nmeirose

thanks everyone for your input, and I think I agree- her being the MOH is enough of a special thing for her.  I don't want to put any pressure on her.

chickieD

I'd make her a flower girl. She will be thrilled and it will limit her role.

Most girls that age do not understand what an attendant is, but they have had friends who were flower girls. The fluffy, frilly white dresses are more appealing to them than bridesmaids dresses.

Also, for a six year old to stand during the whole ceremony is a long time to go with no fidgeting. A flower girl gets to sit down after walking the aisle.