Planning Nightmare...Resistance and Distance

ezzielu

Hi, all...this is my first time posting here, so please be gentle.    It's a long one, too.  Sorry!

This wedding will be my second, his first.  We don't have much money and weren't planning on spending much...just a small civil ceremony and dinner at a nice restaurant for those who witnessed the vows.  Really, we're simple people and don't want the pressure, fuss, or expense of a "real" wedding.

Understandably, FMIL wants a big to-do (FH is an only child), but we really don't!  My family couldn't care less about any aspect of our marriage (aside from my parents wanting to witness the vows) and frankly we don't feel the need to have anyone besides parents, siblings, and grandparents in attendance.  If there were a reception/party, my extended family would most likely show up; however, there's another problem.

FH's family is from New York (Long Island), and my family is in Western Maryland.  While our immediate families will certainly travel to witness the vows, I don't feel that it's right to expect the extended families to travel up to 4 hours for a 4-hour reception.  Regardless, FMIL wants us to have a normal ceremony and reception and is willing to pay for it all (which I certainly don't feel good about) but my parents won't (and can't) pay for much of anything.  *sigh*  This is causing me so much stress that I can't sleep at night.  

We really want to have a civil ceremony somewhere with only our parents, grandparents, my brother, and our 3 friends/attendants, then go to a nice dinner somewhere immediately afterward.  A few weeks after the ceremony, if FH's family wanted to throw some sort of party in NY, we'd go to that.  If my family wanted to do a small party in MD, we'd go to that too.

Does our plan sound reasonable?  What would you do in our situation?

Thanks for reading!

right1thistime

Welcome ezzielu!  We are pretty gentle all around, so no worries.
1) what you are planning IS a "real" wedding, don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise.
2) this event is about the two of you.  Why would you spend energy and time (not to mention money) to accommodate someone else's wishes?
3) your immediate family civil ceremony followed by dinner, with one or two after parties hosted by the parents sounds like a perfect solution.
4) say it with me..."Fi and I appreciate your enthusiasm, but have planned the event this way.  What you are proposing isn't what we have in mind.  You are so kind to share your ideas with us."  And by the way, your FI gets to learn those lines and repeat them to HIS family until they get it.  

There's a few other posts like this on the board (similar), so if you scroll down and read - you may hear more ideas.  ~Donna

Marrin713

I'm on board with you <sigh>  We're also having a civil ceremony.  Originally I wanted to just go out to dinner afterward but then it turned into a smallish (50 peeps) cocktail reception.  Now I am waking in the middle of the night with the screamin' mimi's over everything.

Nip it in the bud right now.  Tell FMIL exactly what previous poster wrote.  It's polite and to the point.  Good luck!

tommyandy

and then offer her the bean dip every time she brings it up.

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome. This is a nice board, with mature ladies, you won't get anything but gentle treatment!

I agree with the prior posters, this wedding should be what you and your fiance want. As a parent to a 23 yr old son, however, I know it would be hard for me to accept if he just wanted a civil ceremony with no party, but I'd have to respect his wishes.

Can you perhaps compromise/negotiate with your fiance's mom? Explain to her that it's important that you and your fiance have the wedding YOU want, but do it in their area, and maybe have a nice small reception in a restaurant near them in NY. If she is willing to pay for it, give her a headcount of the number of people YOU consider reasonable (ie 20 or whatever constitutes "immediate family") and then work with her to plan it. By limiting the number of AGREED UPON people, it will obviously be small, but if she wants a fabulous dinner, or wants to pay for some flowers, or something like that, you can both have what you want.

Trust me, as a parent it's hard to accept that your kids have ideas of their own, that conflict with your "dreams". I have loved planning my wedding, and doing all sorts of DIY stuff for it, because I have never been married. I'd love to do it for my children as well, but if that doesn't happen, I would also be willing to ask them if I could plan something with them or their fiance that is classy, elegant, but SMALL if that's what they wanted.

Good luck.

caitm730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_planning-nightmareresistance-distance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:07ace6e3-5bd2-4cb2-a6b0-6b47ee952d1aPost:0d790d98-74f6-4307-b8d2-b53254e60c86">Planning Nightmare...Resistance and Distance</a>:
[QUOTE]We really want to have a civil ceremony somewhere with only our parents, grandparents, my brother, and our 3 friends/attendants, then go to a nice dinner somewhere immediately afterward.  A few weeks after the ceremony, if FH's family wanted to throw some sort of party in NY, we'd go to that.  If my family wanted to do a small party in MD, we'd go to that too. Does our plan sound reasonable?  What would you do in our situation?
Posted by ezzielu@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

I think this sounds like a good plan. It kind of creates a balance that everyone should be happy with. It leaves the possibilities open for your FIs family, but your family isn't forced to do something they can't afford. Leave the decisions up to them and then no one can complain.

kee80

You sound very reasonable   If a small civil ceremony is what you both want, don't be pressured into a big to-do.  Good luck!

ezzielu

Wow...thanks for the kind words and reassurance, everyone!    Looks like we've got a lot of talking to to do when he gets back in town (he's OOT for work until tomorrow night).

The small civil ceremony and two parties just feels right to me.  I know FMIL will be heartbroken (and she'll sure let it show!) but she'll eventually get over it, I guess.  I think she's worried that this will look like a lack of money on her part, since she's big on expectations and appearances.  That's her problem, though.  I don't care what people think of me!  :P

Does it sound fair to invite each other's parents to both parties, assuming my family does one too?  That way our parents can meet the other side's extended families...I don't see why the extended families would care to meet, because they'll never see each other again.

Thanks!

healyl99

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Amomtomanyluvs

i definetly dont think its unreasonable. this is your wedding, and you do what you guys want...not what others want. now as nice as it is that he is willing to pay for the wedding, if its not what you want...then you should just let him know you appreciate the offer...but its just not what you have pictured. 

melissamc2

I think the separate parties with each family sound like a fantastic solution.  I hope it all works out and that you have a wonderful wedding and life together!

deepcovejackie

Hello!  Welcome!  Just do what feels right to you.  Don't worry about meeting everyone's needs, just you, your FI and any kids matter. Thats it.  Have fun planning and remember to do what you want.  We're here any time to remind you if you forget!

thealphabride

Congrats and welcome to the board. I think your plan sounds very reasonable.
If future in laws want to plan and pay for a reception for their only child please don't resist it, he is thier only child and only chance for a reception, and this may be a dream they have had for a long time.
The wedding is about you and him and what you have planned sounds lovely.