Kids & Exes

2chumps

I have two children that I adopted through foster care as a single parent - so there is not an Ex that I have to contend with when it comes to involving my children in the wedding.  The only father figure my children have had is my FI, he has been around since they were babies, they call him Dad and he loves him like they are his own.

My FI has two children from a previous relationship.  I want them included in our wedding, equally with my children.  My son is walking me down the isle, my daughter will be a flower girl.  I'd love his son and daughter to stand up with us as well.  I adore them and I'm excited for all of us to be a family.

The proplem is that his Ex isn't willing to let it happen.  She has had issues with us for 5 years due to her own problems with moving on.  She has already had her daughter call to ask what date it is, texted my FI to say that she doesn't even want us talking to the kids about the wedding when we have them because she won't allow them to be there.  She doesn't want me showing pictures of my dress, etc.

We don't have scheduled visits, it's never been a problem.  We get to see them often and never felt a need to go to court.  I would hate to pay the cost of court fees for a 'scheduled visitation' but it's important to us to have them there.  Our wedding isn't until next summer, but I'm worried she will leave town that weekend with the kids (she's done that before when he had a cabin vacation planned at the lake).  It's like she isn't happy so she doesn't want the kids to be happy with us either.

I don't talk to her, I stay out of it as much as possible and let FI talk to her, arrange pick ups, etc.  Do we keep quiet about the date and just secretly get married with the kids?  Or tell her and hope that she allows us to have them that weekend?

right1thistime

If you want to be SURE they will be there, I think your Fi has to formalize the arrangement in court.  And if she has "had issues" and fouled up a cabin vacation in the past, I don't know how you can say that visitation has "never been a problem". Sounds like a serious problem to me. 

Sometimes taking good care of your children involves asserting your rights as a parent.  ~Donna

2chumps

Ok, what I should have said is seeing them on a regular basis has never been a problem, we get them  every other weekend and spend weeks at a time in the summer with them.  It's only when she knows that we have a big plans that she pulls stuff like leaving town, to purposely ruin our plans and disapoint the kids.

thealphabride

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks when the ex can't move on. What a selfish biotch to ruin the plans for her children, she certainly doesn't win mom of the year!

Since your wedding is "big plans" I would expect her to try to disrupt them.

Please get a formal court ordered visitation agreement ASAP, and do not reveal the wedding date, just make sure you have the kids on that weekend. Having court ordered visitation is best for all of you in the long run. It shouldn't cost that much to put in place.

BUT:
Even though you have a court order in place doesn't mean she won't try to disrupt the wedding by acting out and taking the kids "away" for your wedding weekend.
 I repeat, DO NOT REVEAL THE WEDDING DATE.

2chumps

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_kids-exes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:08792bc3-2de1-497d-bbfb-6d19d9c5af0bPost:153269ac-ca21-480e-8f9e-54ff69066614">Re: Kids & Exes</a>:
[QUOTE]I repeat, DO NOT REVEAL THE WEDDING DATE.
Posted by thealphabride[/QUOTE]

Yup, that's exactly what we are going to do.  Added the cost into the wedding budget, took out the videoographer and cut our floral expenses, but it will be worth it to have all four kids at our wedding.

ebuchanan89

I think you are doing the right thing.  A court ordered visitation schedule will be good for you AND the kids in the long run.  It will take away any anxiety the kids may have about all future "big plans" and the Ex refusing to let them go.  This way they can be secure in knowing they won't be yanked away from important things just because mom doesn't like it, no internal conflict, no guilty feelings, etc.

Good Luck!

Sue-n-Kevin

I haven't dealt with what you are dealing with, but I wish you the best. The ladies on this board have had years of experience with difficult situations and are very wise and share their wisdom. I agree with everything you've said.

If either of you have Facebook pages, do NOT discuss this publicly. It's my experience that there is always a "friend of a friend" who can be tracked down on FB and trust me, it's difficult to keep your plans quiet.

Good luck.