Second Weddings

Need to vent - so upset

I divorced a few years ago under some extremely unpleasant circumstances.  Although I didn't/don't feel obligated to provide the world an explanation as to what happened, let's just say that those in the know all place 99% of the blame on my XH, and agree that my physical and mental health were endangered by that marriage.  

ETA:  My XH is not a bad person, at all... he was high-functioning with some mental illness issues that got increasingly severe about a year into marriage, and that he refused to get help for. 

Fast forward to this year, I had just gotten engaged to a wonderful man.  Back in May, we moved up our wedding date by almost a year when we learned we are expecting our first child.  Obviously, this scaled back the wedding budget/size/scope greatly.

We both have large families (mine is large, FI's unusually so), making some guest list decisions difficult.  Relatives won out over friends  in the end, as FI is very close to his family, and I thought I was close to mine.  My parents wanted more of my extended fam included than originally wanted/planned, and offered to cover the cost of their invitations/plates. His family RSVPd right away that they were ecstatic and flying in from all over the world to attend.

The majority of my relatives not only declined to attend (from one state away) but a good chunk of those felt it necessary to call my parents with really nasty comments that basically indicated I was at fault for my divorce, that second weddings are tacky and greedy (FI's never been married for the record), accusing me of getting pregnant on purpose to upstage my sister (getting married next spring),etc.    My parents, who claim to be happy and love FI, aren't to my knowledge defending me.  I do know that they're still maintaining active relationships with these people.

I am beyond hurt that my family is being so vile, as well as I'm having to deal with fallout from our zillion friends/acquaintances who are butthurt they weren't invited.  Part of me is upset that I wasted invitations on my obvioulsy sh*thead relatives when there are friends I'd have wanted to invite more, part of me is pissed that I'm being given such a f***ing hard time while I'm dealing with a high-risk pregnancy.

Is this even normal behavior for a second wedding in 2010, or am I totally reasonable to completely cut ties with the majority of my blood relatives over this nonsense?  I don't want these people to so much as know when our son is born after the things they've said about me.

How do I fix it with the friends who I wanted to invite, but wouldn't have been able to afford had my relatives attended?

Mom to a beautiful boy and girl!

Re: Need to vent - so upset

  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_need-vent-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:09972bd4-dc46-4dc1-82ef-078c3ea4f5f1Post:a1a41119-b5c5-4366-b0c5-893660215fbe">Need to vent - so upset</a>:
    [QUOTE] The majority of my relatives not only declined to attend (from one state away) but a good chunk of those felt it necessary to call my parents with really nasty comments that basically indicated I was at fault for my divorce, that second weddings are tacky and greedy (FI's never been married for the record), accusing me of getting pregnant on purpose to upstage my sister (getting married next spring),etc.    My parents, who claim to be happy and love FI, aren't to my knowledge defending me.  I do know that they're still maintaining active relationships with these people. I am beyond hurt that my family is being so vile, as well as I'm having to deal with fallout from our zillion friends/acquaintances who are butthurt they weren't invited.  Part of me is upset that I wasted invitations on my obvioulsy sh*thead relatives when there are friends I'd have wanted to invite more, part of me is pissed that I'm being given such a f***ing hard time while I'm dealing with a high-risk pregnancy. Is this even normal behavior for a second wedding in 2010, or am I totally reasonable to completely cut ties with the majority of my blood relatives over this nonsense?  I don't want these people to so much as know when our son is born after the things they've said about me. How do I fix it with the friends who I wanted to invite, but wouldn't have been able to afford had my relatives attended?
    Posted by PiscesFish[/QUOTE]

    That's just crazy. Who are we talking about here...aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings?

    I instigated our divorce, and everyone did the "poor poor H" business.  But no one lives inside another couples marriage so they can't really know what went on.  However, when I remarried (7 years later) in July, no one said anything.  At least not to us.

    As for now inviting friends, I guess it would depend on your relationship with them.  Are they/you all laid back enough that they'd not be insulted about being B listed?  In general, B lists are rude, but sometimes there are extinuating circumstances and IMO it just depends on the relationship dynamics.

    Good luck.  And phooey on your fam!
  • LindaN21LindaN21 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    First of all, let me say sorry you are being treated this way!  There is no reason you shouldn't do what you want for your wedding just because this is your second time.  There are alot of second time brides on here, myself included. 
    When is the wedding?  Do you still have time to invite the friends since your family is being extremely rude?  Second weddings are NOT tacky or greedy!!!  They are a way to celebrate that you have found love again :)

    Congrats on expecting your first child-that is so exciting!!!

    If it is too late to invite your friends that's ok.  If they truly are your friends, they will understand that you had to keep the guest list under a certain amount.
    Anniversary
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Congratulations to you on both your engagement and your preganacy!!

    I'm sorry that your family is being so cruel - but dear know this those that love and support you and your husband-to-be will be there for you. 

    Welcome to the board and please share your triumphs and your upsets.  We are here for you and it's better to vent here than to take it out on your FI. 
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    "Ignore, ignore, ignore as much as you can. Your family now consists of your fiance and your child. Take the moral high ground, hold your head high, and cut the toxic people out of your life. DNA does not obligate you to endure their abuse."

    This is spot-on from Retreadbride.

    I'm sorry you are going through this. Try to relax, and then have the wedding YOU and your fiance want. If it's not too late to invite friends, buy some invitations somewhere (or call the printer, sometimes they can re-do more) and get them out! Surround yourself only with those people you intend to rely on during your marriage, not toxic people who are negative/critical/mean spirited.

    Best wishes, and take care of yourself and your precious baby.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_need-vent-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:09972bd4-dc46-4dc1-82ef-078c3ea4f5f1Post:4e1d4517-04a1-49f6-983c-f73c1f54c553">Re: Need to vent - so upset</a>:
    [QUOTE] Secondly....I have sympathy for your situation. In your case, I personally WOULD rescind some invitations. If they feel this way, they've got no business at my wedding. I don't think you should expect your parents to defend you. Speak up for yourself. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    If these things were being said to my face, I would most certainly defend myself....  but nobody is speaking to me.  what's happening is that these relatives are calling my parents to say these things; my parents are repeating them to me.  IMO, my parents are annoyed with the rift my divorce/remarriage has "caused" in our extended family, and are annoyed with me also. 
    Mom to a beautiful boy and girl!
  • edited December 2011
    I totally agree with Retread Bride! Be updront, enjoy your day and yes, my heart goes out to you!! Hang in there!!
  • edited December 2011
    I am so sorry you're going through this, especially while pregnant. I can relate to the cruel remarks. I am also divorced and had to endure most of my family siding with my XH. It had gotten so bad that I didn't speak to them for months. They have finally come to terms with my divorce, but it took a while and a lot of hurtful things were said to me in the process. Now I'm getting remarried and couldn't be happier! Despite what anyone thinks, getting a divorce was the best decision (next to marrying my DF) I have ever made!
    My advice to you concerns your friends. If they are true friends then they will understand why they weren't included on the original guest list. You have a baby on the way and therefore have a very limited budget and couldn't invite everyone who would have wished to. You chose to invite family, which is understandable. Now that they are not coming, you are able to invite the people you would really want there. It'll be more fun anyway! Explain that much, without giving reason why your family won't be attending if you don't want to get into it, and tell them to come celebrate with you and your new family! Good luck :) 
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