Family Issue

tbellini

So we are newly engaged and planning a wedding for fall of 2011. My problem is this, many many years ago (about 20 now) my parents divorced and there was a earth shattering rift between sides of family. I am literally the only one of 5 siblings that has a good relationship with my dad. He and I are close now, but two of my siblings "hate" him and will have nothing to do with him, as well as awkwardness between the rest of the extended family that would be massive. I don't want to completely exlude my dad's side of the family but have no idea how to approach this with any sort of tact or ease. I know he/they would try to be understanding but would still be hurt. I was thinking of inviting them to an engagement party or letting them throw some sort of party/shower closer to the wedding next year. Any ideas or helpful advice?

buckettgirl

Its your wedding and no one can dictate who you do or don't invite.  Regardless of what you siblings may want or like, you ought to invite your dad and any family on that side that you would like to celebrate the day with.
Anyone that has a problem has the option not to come.  It is one day and it is not about them - people just need to grow up and act with maturity - that means not causing a fights in the family and allowing the bride to invite whom she wishes without an issue.

MikesAngie

The only time that they may end up seated in close proximity is during your ceremony and hopefully for the few minutes that most ceremonies last they can keep their opinions and objections to themselves. 

Don't sit opposing families together at your reception and it will be fine they will more than likely visit among themselves and with you and your groom. 

And Bucket is right if they think they will be uncomfortable then they won't come but don't worry about who to or not to invite based on their politics.  Invite those you hope will come and celebrate your day with you.

nabrighteyes

On the other side of the fence, I can relate.  However, I did invite BOTH sides of the family and to be honest, the biggest troublemaker (my mother) declined the invite.  I was not surprise but sort of relieved because everyone can be civil for my sake.  For the most part, I would invite anyone that you would like.  If they love and care for you, they will be civil and govern themselves.  If they can't do this one thing for you, they will decline just like my mother. 

AdelphiTN

I think banning your dad's family to "other" events instead of the wedding will only serve to widen the gap that has split your family. It would surely hurt them in a way that would be hard to recover.

Invite them. Seat them away from each other. Don't stress about this all through your wedding planning. And don't expect it to be some magical healing moment.  Simply expect them to step up and be gracious, they will likely follow your lead.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_family-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:0d6843fd-b4a8-423f-b3dc-fc34c829e2f0Post:e69561db-6511-4adf-9397-9bd0cd920ce2">Re: Family Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Its your wedding and no one can dictate who you do or don't invite.  Regardless of what you siblings may want or like, you ought to invite your dad and any family on that side that you would like to celebrate the day with. Anyone that has a problem has the option not to come.  It is one day and it is not about them - people just need to grow up and act with maturity - that means not causing a fights in the family and allowing the bride to invite whom she wishes without an issue.
Posted by buckettgirl[/QUOTE]

Ditto!  When your sibs get married, host parties, etc., they can create their own guest lists. 

We are inviting a handful of family members who have problems with this one or that one ... they can decide to come or not.  I'm happy to have them all.  And ... I promise not to beep and moan when I have to create the seating chart.  Hee hee!  ;)

tbellini

Thanks so much for the advice. My dad actually solved the problem for me. When he found out we were engaged he offered to throw us a party, adding that he knew what I was going through and that he and that side of the family didn't mind not going to the wedding as long as they had another chance to celebrate with us. Since several members of that side are from out of town and my dad lives in a more central location it seems like it will work out nicely. I have decided to go dress shopping with my stepmom and aunt in the town where they live (as well as my hometown) as it is a larger town that has more options. So keeping my fingers crossed and praying but my hope is that everyone I love will be able to celebrate with me and share my joy.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_family-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:0d6843fd-b4a8-423f-b3dc-fc34c829e2f0Post:eb88e351-d6ed-44c7-a726-d4c240c97cb6">Re: Family Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks so much for the advice. My dad actually solved the problem for me. When he found out we were engaged he offered to throw us a party, adding that he knew what I was going through and that he and that side of the family didn't mind not going to the wedding as long as they had another chance to celebrate with us. Since several members of that side are from out of town and my dad lives in a more central location it seems like it will work out nicely. I have decided to go dress shopping with my stepmom and aunt in the town where they live (as well as my hometown) as it is a larger town that has more options. So keeping my fingers crossed and praying but my hope is that everyone I love will be able to celebrate with me and share my joy.
Posted by tbellini[/QUOTE]

Wow!  Lucky you.  Your dad is being very big about it.  I am just so sorry you have to deal with the possibility of having your wedding without everyone you'd like in attendance.  Good luck.