can anyone relate?

steeser03

for lack of a better place to post this i figured i would post here, i may be totally off base i dont know.is this anyone's fi's second marriage and your first? fi was married for six months and divorced before he was my age (25). now three and a half years later he is ready to marry again. im having this internal struggle of wanting things to be better/different and feel like everyone i talk to about it says im silly because no one can relate.  have any of you gone through this or, is it your second marriage and your fi is feeling the way i am?

pamila51510

I am not in the same situation as you but I understand your insecurity.  You are not she the ex you are yourself.  Your feelings are not silly!  There is no comparison however to this marriage and your FI's last.  In 3.5 years I am sure that he has changed a lot.You need to know that was a detour on his way to meeting you and now you two are together. You need to shake that feeling!

steeser03

i know i know. thank you! i keep telling myself that and its not that i worry he has feelings for her or that hes not ready to be with me. i know that he and i are meant to be. i know that she was not the right person for him and i am. but i just want this to be OUR day. he already had one and i want this to stand out in his mind, as do most brides im sure. but in my case i have something to compare it to. im sure im the only one doing the mental comparing but i just feel like i need to strive to be better and different and its driving fi crazy.

pamila51510

You need to look at this like it is your day!  It will be better than the first because of the fact that it Has you in it.  Breath and remember its my day its my day.  You are placing to much on thinking about his ex in this and not what you want it to be.  Your touch will make it so much more special. Stop thinking about his past and start thinking about your future.  Only looking forward from here on out.  When you start thinking that way mentally put it out of your mind say a montra (whatever takes you mind off of that) and eventually it will become easier and easier for you to not think about it! Good luck  

mdrosa

I'm in the same situation as you.  I agree with the previous posts.  Try to focus your attention on making this day all that YOU want it to be!  I actually didn't want to know anything about the other wedding because I don't want to compare or be competitive.  This is your time to be excited in your planning, and worrying about that will just take away from it...

TrueLoveThisTime

My situation is that it's my 2nd marriage and my Fi's 1st. There have been times in the planning where my Fi will say, "What was it like when you..." or "What did you do in your previous wedding?" and I have told him that that doesn't matter. I tell him what I did, but share with him that this is totally different.I will tell you from someone on the side of your Fi's experience, planning this wedding is NOTHING like my first marriage. The feeling is different, the emotions are different, and I really feel like it's the RIGHT/REAL wedding this time. Everything is different as in BETTER! Everything feels like this should have been the first guy I married all along. So, even though you are thinking these thoughts, you must stop them. I am certain that your Fi feels like I do; that this is the RIGHT wedding he was supposed to have, the RIGHT girl he was supposed to have been with all along. There are no feelings of the other wedding/marriage, other than it happened and it's in the past. I hope that helps.

AmyLou75

This is mine and my FI's second marriage.  To be honest with you, FI and I had alot of talks for what seemed like forever about this. I was married at 21 and should have left the marriage when I was 24 (ex was a raging alcoholic and gambler), but because I had NO self confidence, I stayed.  I ended up moving into the spare room when I was 30 and stayed there for 2 years before moving out of the house and filing for divorce. FI and I met while I was in the process of the divorce, but had not fully filed yet (I moved over 2 hours away and it was hard to get a work day off of work to go to the court house)  It took a total of 6 months for us to finally go to court and another 2 months for the divorce to be finalized. In the meantime, FI and I were getting closer and closer and moved in together and started our lives together. FI had been divorced for over 8 years when we met, but had just gotten out of a long term relationship.  Neither of us were looking for anything, but it happened One big struggle we dealt with for a while was I was just "newly" divorced (to the outside world, but for those that really know me, they knew I was divorced a long time ago) So, we did deal with the how can we not have the same thing happen, and how can we "prove" to the outside world that we belong together.  Honestly, we had a lot of open communication about it (some times it hurt, but it needed to come out) and we did get some counseling.  We decided if we wanted to have a wonderful life together, we needed to make certain we did not go through what we had both been through again.   So, after this hour long response, my only suggestion if that you TALK to your FI.  tell him your hopes and fears and be 100000000000000000000% honest with him.   

right1thistime

Scroll through some of the older posts on this board and you will see your concerns are pretty common.  More importantly that working very hard to make it different than his first, see if you can work to make it all about the two of you.  When it feels right for the two of you, you won't feel so uncomfortable about what was in the past. There are some things for which there are just not that many choices.   Men's formal wear for example.  Is it really a big deal if things are the same as his first?  Only if it is to the two of you.  So have an open, honest dialogue-- and you will do fine. ~Donna

steeser03

thanks for the advice. we have talked about it a lot. he knows how i feel and unfortunately, i think he feels helpless and is kind of caught in the middle. HE feels like this is the only wedding that will matter to him and he wishes he could help me feel that way. unfortunately, he doesnt really understand how im feeling. i know some things will be the same, because in some aspects all weddings are similar. there were five things that i wanted to be different and what we wanted: the ring, the date, the venue, the dress, and the honeymoon. fortunately, without even trying all of those are different except one: the dress. i just found out that both of our dresses were ivory, a-line strapless ball gowns, with lace up back, and ballroom bustle. hers had gold embroidery and mine has pearl embellishments. most people would think: thats totally different and there are a TON of brides with strapless a-lines. but this has sent me into a panic in that i want his image of me to be totally different than his mental image from before. he assures me, that as a man, he doesnt remember in the slightest what her dress looks like and he wont remember mine really either, only that i looked beautiful. so my question: if this is your second- did you go with something totally different? if this is fi's second, are you worried about that too?

TrueLoveThisTime

I am doing things totally different this time around! :)Most of it is because of money, since we are both paying for it, we are cutting corners here and there. Also, I learned what is important to spend money on and what is not. This is different than the previous marriage because it is what WE want and that is not the same as before. It's just not the same at all...don't know how to describe that...sorry.

babyruth212

I understand how you are feeling. And I know everyone is saying just shake it off. If you find a way to do that please let me know. This will be the 2nd marriage for both of us but I didn't have a wedding the first time. He had a huge one that he was very involved in and paid for by him and his parents. There isn't anyone who would be invited from his side that wasn't at his first wedding, except for some of the children. And quite a few of the guests/family members are still good friends with his ex. He wants something very small, simple and inexpensive because he's already done the big thing and wants this to be different. He actually told me he doesn't want a big wedding because he already had one and doesn't want to ask people to come to another one. So at least your DF didn't say that to you! I agree with smaller, but I do not want to spare any expense because honestly, this may be petty but I feel competitive! I can't help it! I want everything to be so much better, not just how we feel. The guests aren't going to stand there and say "oh this wedding is so much better because the bride and groom feel differently than they did last time." I know I'm not offering you much help but I wanted to let you know you're not alone in your feelings. I know the marriage is the important thing, I know its silly to compete over material items, I know I shouldn't be hung up on it. But, it is what it is and I am. Doing my best to get over it and its very hard. Sometimes I am getting better about it but most times I still have the desire to completely blow her selections out of the water

jeannigirl

I hear you and can relate to those anxities because I have felt that way myself about the whole wedding thing. This will be the second wedding or the both of us. I had seen his wedding pictures from his first wedding after we had been dating awhile. I so totally am going to out do her. (heeheehee) Our wedding definataly reflects us and will be totally awesome has we are totally different people then we were the first time around. Just try and see that it will be different and believe he isn't going to remember what the hag looked like only you his love. So put all that out of your head and focus on you and him and making it special that reflects who you are has a couple.

thealphabride

Hi steeser! Well, I cannot personally relate but I can understand your feelings. This is my first wedding (second marriage) first was at the courthouse. This is his second wedding and he was very involved in planning the first one with his ex and they paid for all of it. I wanted to plan the wedding of my dreams that I have waited many,many,many years for, so I decided to pay for 75% of it myself. We stayed traditional to what the bride and groom usually pay for. I saved they money (thus the long engagement) myself. I am almost there, with the money that is.  We are 13 months out from the wedding. Things are so different today than when he was married in the early 80's ... I don't worry about standing out or being different, because it will be different. Please do not worry about the dress. And remember, the wedding is one day, the marriage is for LIFE, that is where you are different and stand apart from his ex.  

DAVIDSANGEL24

i feel you i really really do i am going through this...fi was married at my age now 25 and is at 34 ready to marry me we have been together for almose 2 years and still feel a little insecure about the whole wedding thing...i keep asking myself if he will divorce me...but i know my thoughts are silly because he lets me know everyday somehow that he love me no matter what because i am very insecure about how i look sometimes comapred to his ex.....We are both excited to have the wedding this will be his first actual wedding...but as far as my insecurities go his ex is like a 6 and i am 16 i know that has no bearing on anything at all...but sometimes wonder if he will still be attracted if i go up a size or 2. but i know im feeling my insecurities talking about them lol...... Talk to him let him know how you feel. communication is key to any relatoinship...and you cant really plan for the future but just know that if you keep each in on everthing thats going and never go to bed angry and cross each obstacle as it comes it will be better as for different i cant and do not know previuse circumstance of divorce.....so cant speak from that but just keep your sights on what really is important you live together...i tell myself this everydan