Pet Peeve "real" wedding

handfast4me

Why is it that some people think that if they didn't have the 200+ person reception/party that they didn't have a "REAL" wedding?  That negates the feelings of those of us who CHOSE to do that, as did I, on a beach, with (now) DH, no guests.  It is insulting to us.  And actually, those of you who felt you didn't have a "real" wedding the first time around CHOSE to do that for your first wedding.  You could have waited, or saved up, or whatever for your big ole' wedding.  If it was legal and/or spiritual in nature, then, my friends, it was a REAL wedding.  If it took a court of law to undo it in a divorce, it was most decidedly a real wedding.  Even if you didn't have the big throw-down afterwards.  ::vent over::

right1thistime

Well said.  ~Donna

right1thistime

In part, I think it stems from feeling like you have to justify a wedding ceremony/reception with the traditional bells and whistles for a second or subsequent time around.  The writer decides that since they missed this boat the first time, therefore they "deserve" to have the now.  The truth is, no one has to justify it.  People are judgy, and they may judge you for doing it (and perhaps for not doing it).  Its one of those pull on your big girl panties and decide that this IS they way you have chosen to celebrate your wedding, and if the judgesof the world don't like it-- fluck em.  But I agree that it infers that anything less than the full scale hoopla is "not real".  ~Donna

handfast4me

I guess that's my point. Truthfully, I don't care what people think of me, or the type of wedding anyone else has, but it just, as you state, infers that others haven't done it "correctly."  And I think that those people have fallen into the trap of the wedding INDUSTRY.  Because that's what it is.  An INDUSTRY.    And for most, it's not even the wedding (which is the ceremony) but the reception afterwards.  Which, of course, DH and I didn't have.  And we're just as married as those who did it with the big budget, and spent 26,000.   I guess I just needed to vent because I've seen quite a few posts lately from women who are complaining that they didn't have a real wedding.  My stars.  Seriously. 

jlk67

I don't think anything is meant by it.  I think it's because when most people think of a wedding, what they think of is the church with guests and a reception.  I have said multiple times that neither of us had a "wedding" wedding the first time around and we wanted to do that this time.  I chose that terminology after letting "real" wedding come out of my mouth and hearing how it sounded.

LesPaul

I see your point, and it is certainly valid.  I am, however, one of 'those' brides.  The first wedding was at the courthouse with a JOP and strangers for witnesses.  We were 19 years old, and engaged for 4 days.  In hindsight, I always regretted we were married this way, but you are right - we chose it ourselves.  We never got around to a vow renewal ceremony (8.5 months pregnant at our 10 year anniversary; he left shortly after our 15 year anniversary).  Yes it was a valid marriage and our beautiful daughters are a product of it.  The part I regret the most is that I feel I cheated my Dad out of walking me down the aisle because we were impulsive and foolish.  He died 12 years ago, so won't be there for this one.that's all.

handfast4me

Leslie, I can see your point--I had a mid-sized wedding the first time around, and have LOTS of regrets about it.  Most of all, the groom!  :-)   However, here's what irks me--and I probably haven't been expressing it well, because I've been aggravated due to the number of "real" wedding posts all over different boards the past couple of weeks--but here goes:  DH and I could not be legally married in our religion here in the Bible belt.  So we had to have two ceremonies.  One was our religious ceremony, and then the legal one.   Because so many Pagans, like myself, are in the "Broom Closet" due to all the persecution we recieve, we could NOT invite anyone to the first ceremony, done by a professor and his wife.  They are definitely in the broom closet, and he could lose his job, tenure, etc. if it got out.  It's a very closed community due to all of this.  DH already felt married due to that ceremony, so when we finally did the legal thing, we kept it small--just the two of us.  And we did practice some of our religious rituals during the ceremony, because by accident, we found a notary in Florida who happened to be a Pagan, too.  But by saying one didn't have a "real" wedding it is really insulting to others of us who did it that way because we chose to--it sends a message that we didn't do it correctly, and that we'll regret it later.   Because of this thinking, for months after the ceremony, I looked on this site, and watched the wedding shows non-stop to find someone else who had done something similar.  No one had.  And then I had this moment of clarity during which I realized that I would not have wanted to spend all that money on a ceremony and party--we're buying our second home with that money.  And that's when it became insulting to me when people inferred that I didn't have a "Real" wedding.  In fact, someone on this board actually asked why we weren't having guests, and it was stated in a way (I don't remember the exact wording) that inferred that DH was ashamed of me.  In fact, he's an extreme introvert, so a wedding with lots of guest would not have been an option anyway.  That was pretty hurtful, too.  I just want people to think before they speak and write.  I do not criticize others for their choices.  If they want to drop 100,000 on a wedding, well, good for them!  I'm glad they can do that, and hope they are together forever, and happy!  But for those of us who choose to do it differently, well, the terms are insulting.  It's just like the women who criticize the goth brides, or the brides who don't wear white.  I love that look--and after looking at offbeatbride.com, I seriously wanted full sleeve tattoos to go with the tattoos I already have.  Of course, I'm one of the original punk rockers from the late 70's too, so there you have it. 

LesPaul

Handfast, Thank you for your honesty.  I think the people who would criticize you for your choices - just because you don't fit the 'norm' (whatever that is) - are just plain rude.  You chose to get married the way you wanted, and that's all that matters.  I like your comments about the wedding industry too.  No one should dictate what anyone should or should not do at their marriage just because the wedding vendors want to make a buck. 

babyruth212

I say I didn't have a wedding because to me, weddings take place with friends and family in church. I got married under much duress at a shotgun chapel in south Georgia. Was it legal? Yeah I had to have a formal divorce. Was it a wedding? Not at all in my personal or religious opinion. It was a mistake that's for sure but not a wedding. However, my personal opinion surely isn't meant to take anything away from someone else's personal feelings on the subject. When I say I didn't have a wedding, that's how I feel about my situation. How anyone else feels about what they have or have not had is up to them!

babyruth212

handfast how i think about it is actually how you described, you had two ceremonies because you wouldn't really have considered yourself married religiously without your first ceremony. i suppose in my case i could say "i did not have a religious ceremony" the first time instead of saying "i did not have a wedding"

handfast4me

Well, I actually felt much more married after the legal ceremony.  I did not feel married after the first ceremony, because I had been married before, to a different man, so I knew the difference (and felt them) between the two types of ceremonies.  The pet peeve I'm talking about is not necessarily the same couple, but so many women on this board, who were married to someone else saying "I didn't have a REAL wedding" only because they didn't have guests, a big reception, etc. the first time around.  The did, in fact, have a real wedding.  What they didn't have was the big ole' party.   Religion nor legality have anything to do with that. 

pamila51510

I have to agree lol! I had a real wedding the first time lol. I just read this thread.  Wow I feel behind since I don't really come on here to much on the weekends.  Each one of my weddings yes I said weddings as this is my 3rd was special.  Glad that they are over. Glad I have grown up but they were real I wish in one case that I could have just woke up and it would have just been a bad dream but it was all part of what makes me who I am today.    

NYHarleyBride

I had a real wedding the first time, no doubt. I am glad I am having an unreal wedding this time!

handfast4me

NYHarley:  that made me laugh!  I need to think of this second marriage in those terms.  :-) 

handfast4me

Also, babyruth, are you saying that anyone who is not Christian, and therefore does not get married in a church did not have a "real" wedding and as a result are not married?  Because if I extrapolate out what you've said, that's what it means.  "A real wedding is in a church with friends and relatives around"  Uh, no.  I'm not a Christian, so I would never get married in a Christian Church.  I guess that negates all the Jewish brides, the Pagans, the Buddhists (which, btw, is the largest relgion in the world!) and anyone else who isn't a monotheist and doesn't believe in jesus as god.  I live in GA, too. But, thankfully, I have lived in 17 other states.   

jlk67

She said that was how she felt about HER wedding, not about yours.  I don't get how so many people on this board can give advice about how to deal with the all the stupid questions people will ask when you've been married before, yet get so offended at other stuff.  And I'm really sick of all the scolding the vow renewal ladies get because they want a "do-over".  Society in general would probably smile a lot more on a vow renewal to a first spouse than to a whole new big party for a second marriage.  I'm sure you don't agree with that opinion.  What makes yours any better? 

handfast4me

JKL, (or JLK, I can't remember which, but no matter) you need to re-read babyruth's post.  She said "to me, a wedding is. . . "  She never said FOR me. . .   Nor did she say, My wedding would feel real. . .  And I never said mine was any better-so maybe you should re-read my posts, too.  What makes me aggravated is that women who say and write things like that negate my beliefs  and my wedding.  Further, I am NOT talking about vow renewals--that's an entirely different can of worms.  What I'm talking about is how second time brides continuously come on this board saying "I didn't have a real wedding with my ex" because they used a JOP.  

right1thistime

I tend to disagree with "society in general" more often than not.  And am thankful that I do.  Let me just say this-- nobody is snarking anyone in this thread.  Stacy started a thread about a pet peeve.  She expressed her opinion.  Others expressed theirs.  If one poster challenges another poster-- why is that BAD?  Doesn't open and honest debate open EVERYONE's mind??  I would not be interested in a board where everyone blows sunshine up everyone else's skirt regardless of what cokcamamie idea/concept/ thought process they express.  That's what the locals and club boards tend to do.   In my opinion--boring.  And-- if you decide to ask for opinion and/or advice, you ought to be willing to accept what is said, weigh it and choose to use it or lose it.  If all you want is validation (which I highly doubt is what Stacy was looking for- having chatted with her on this board for a while), then phrase your post "Validate me please".  I, for one, won't open it.  ~Donna

babyruth212

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weddinghttp://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/weddingif you notice in both these references, the word "wedding" is used to describe an event that encompasses more than just a civil ceremony. while there is absolutely nothing wrong with some people feeling that the civil ceremony is the be all and ends all of the word wedding, there are obviously plenty of people who feel the word wedding means more. and i guess i don't understand why someone who is hell bent on making sure their beliefs aren't slighted would want to slight someone else's beliefs. i am happy that everyone has different opinions on things. but if you're in the minority who takes a different spin on some words or traditions or beliefs that doesn't make the popular opinion "wrong" it's just different. yes to me wedding means more than what it means to handfast or retread. i don't think anyone who just did a small civil ceremony is less married. i don't think it really matters how you get married but i can use my definition of wedding and you can use yours. no biggie. my point was i'm not trying to peeve anyone by using the traditional meaning of the word. we are each entitled to our opinions. and...we're on the most mainstream "wedding website"so i'm sure you'll find plenty of people with different outlooks.

right1thistime

babyruth - copied from your two links - bolded by meA wedding is the ceremony in which two people are united in marriage or a similar institution. Wedding traditions and customs vary greatly between cultures, ethnic groups, religions, countries, and social classes. Most wedding ceremonies involve an exchange of wedding vows by the couple, presentation of a gift (offering, ring(s), symbolic item, flowers, money), and a public proclamation of marriage by an authority figure or leader. Special wedding garments are often worn, and the ceremony is followed by a wedding reception. Music, poetry, prayers or readings from Scripture or literature also may be incorporated into the ceremony.and then1 : a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities : nuptials 2 : an act, process, or instance of joining in close association 3 : a wedding anniversary or its celebration —usually used in combination <a golden wedding> I think it is interesting that two opposing opinions can look at the same reference and see two different things.  In both of these- I fail to see where the reception referred to in the first or the accompanying festivities that "usually accompany" the second support your point of view.  I think they both support Stacy's point far better. Again - not snarking at you, just pointing out what is -to me- interesting. ~Donna

handfast4me

And, just as an FYI, a dictionary is just a collection of what society thinks a word means.  It is not WHAT the word is supposed to mean.  And if I hear one more person say strategize I'm going to slap them.  You cannot turn a noun into a verb just by adding ize.  Even if a lot of people use it, it doesn't make it word.  Irregardless is used all the time, too, and that's not a word either.  I read grammar books for fun.  No kidding.  Eats, Shoots, and Leaves is my favorite.  Even if it does have 2 grammar errors in the firs couple of pages. 

handfast4me

::now if only I could spell first::  Ha!

TrueLoveThisTime

I'm all about the grammar, handfast! Thanks for your awesome post just now! I love it! I concur!

handfast4me

And another thing. . . LOL!  go over to the Ceremony Board and look at the post titled "non-traditional Sermons" in which the bride to be calls her second ceremony her "proper" wedding, even though she will have already had her legal ceremony. WTF?  ARGH.  At least trix straightened her out. 

handfast4me

No, ma'am. I do not stand in judgement of what you're doing.  And why is it OK for you to rant, but not me? Again, read my very first post. What makes me angry, and what INSULTS me is when others on this board and other boards (and there have been just 3 I've seen posted today!) is when people say "I didn't have a real wedding" because they did it just the two of them, and the official. That's what DH and I chose to do, and it's insulting to me, because it infers that neither our religious ceremony nor or legal one was a "real" wedding, only because neither were in a church, as babyruth said (we're not Christian), nor were either in front of friends and family. Dang, I guess reading is a lost art.

brian&shelli

::: Butting In :::Unfortunately no matter what anyone says or believes (which we are entitiled to our own opinions, but the truth is the truth, no matter what religion, age, nationality or gender you are, nor no matter the number of times you've been married) if you've been been in front of a minister, JOP, officiant, rabbi, or what have you, and said the "I do's", regardless of how many witnessed or if you had or didn't have a reception/party after, you YOU HAD A REAL WEDDING  It doesn't matter if it was in a courthouse, a chapel, if it was when you were young and stupid, or if you were "forced" ( idk how anyone can "force" you to ) or even if it was shotgun wedding, you were still legally married!  It was indeed REAL .You can keep on telling yourselves that it "wasn't real" if it makes you feel better, but just know that you're only being untruthful to youself.  If you're that type of person who says things over and over again just to justify it in your own head, then so be it.  I firmly believe the only thing that handfast4me was trying to convey to everyone here on this board (which she is entitled to like everyone else) to start this whole debate is the fact that the things that these kinds of brides (you know the ones that have to lie to themselves) is one of her biggest Pet Peeves.  Plain and simple.  I've been married once before, we had a medium size wedding but unfortunately for me he was a jerk and we ended up divorcing.  Since I am one of the fortunate ones to discover love again, and chose to get married again, does it mean that my first marriage/wedding wasn't "real"?? By all means no!!  It was real no matter what anyone says.. no matter what the hell I think.. It was real.We all have our own opinions, and I think the reason some people got *snarky* about it is bottom line, the truth hurts.  

handfast4me

Love you, Shelli.  :-) 

thealphabride

You can keep on telling yourselves that it "wasn't real" if it makes you feel better, but just know that you're only being untruthful to youself. If you're that type of person who says things over and over again just to justify it in your own head, then so be it. I firmly believe the only thing that handfast4me was trying to convey to everyone here on this board (which she is entitled to like everyone else) to start this whole debate is the fact that the things that these kinds of brides (you know the ones that have to lie to themselves) is one of her biggest Pet Peeves. Plain and simple. Frankly I find this post highly insulting. No one is lying to themselves here. If you want to talk about "those brides" please go elsewhere, this is a good board, we don't engage in this kind of b.s. here. I had a first marriage, It was legal, I chose it, and I own it. 'The courthouse was a wedding. This one is. No one is lying, or kidding themselves. This is a semantics disagreement. That was my first marrriage, I am planning my first wedding. Wedding means something different to everyone, quit it with the tunnel vision and try to see someone else's point of view.  No one one this board is a bebe so I would appreciate it if you would stop this  insulting talk immediately, plain and simple. But handfast, thanks for trying to make us all feel like crap and this is not our real wedding because we **ucked up the first time around and nothing we ever do can undo that. I'm not happy with this on our board when trying to stay happy about the wedding planning and with all the crap we have to put up with on the outside, much less a new poster coming on with this crap?????? and a moderator no less. This is supposed to be a safe place to come for support. Thanks for all the making us feel like sh*t because you are so insulted though. As a pp said, no one on here ever said your wedding was meaningless, not real or anything of the kind. Everyone on here knows that. And I think if you ask any bride on here they would say that was not their intention, and I appologize if you feel that is what I meant. We are the ones who should be insulted by this b.s. post above. I am highly insulted by this, we are not 20 somethings here. Most of us have kids your age. So don't try to tell us we are lying to ourselves to make ourselves feel better lady because you don't know anyone here and you are you are clueless about us.

brian&shelli

First of all, I apologize to anyone whom I insulted.  Those were not my intentions.  I was simply stating my opinions as did all of the previous posters.  I agree that BS is not wanted here, or any other board for that matter, however, PP stated "...we don't engage in this kind of b.s. here"  and I belive the B.S. started way before my post.  I certainly wasn't singling anyone on this board out, I was just referring back to previous posts in this thread and the comments that were made.  I do, however want to clarify that when I was referring to "those brides" I was referring to those who have to justify why they feel that their first wedding/marriage wasn't real.  Nothing bad was meant by that.  They have the right to feel the way they feel and that's that.Once again, I apologize for any harm done, but I am not apologizing for stating my opinions.  So don't try to tell us we are lying to ourselves to make ourselves feel better lady because you don't know anyone here and you are you are clueless about us. Alphabride, as mentioned above, I wasn't referring to you or any other specific Knottie on this board;  Also, as a matter of fact, I do know several Knotties here as well.  I could take your remark as me being clueless as an insult, but I won't because you don't know me and I obviously mis-communicated my opinion to you.  Once again, I apologize if I've insulted or hurt anyones feelings.  : )

handfast4me

Again, in my very first post, I said I was insulted because others stated that a "real" wedding consisted of guests, a big party, etc.   If you felt bad because I called you out, not my problem. 

right1thistime

alpha - here's the rub: You wrote:But handfast, thanks for trying to make us all feel like crap and this is not our real wedding because we **ucked up the first time around and nothing we ever do can undo that. She has NEVER ONCE made any comment about someone's second wedding not being "real".  She is speaking about her personal response to brides saying they deserve an elaborate second (or more) wedding "because they didn't have a real wedding the first time" and referring to an absence of guests, pomp and circumstance, etc. as evidence that their first wedding wasn't real.I have been posting on this board since 2004ish.  Frankly- I've seen it all here.  And I have to say that over that time- I've come to agree with what Stacy is talking about.  You see- whether your first wedding was a 300 person lavish million dollar event, or a quick visit to the JOP- if you ended up married, it was real.  BUT- by no means does that mean that you cannot have the wedding that you want for the second or subsequent marriage.  I want to shout from the RAFTERS: "YOU DO NOT NEED JUSTIFICATION TO CELEBRATE THIS MARRIAGE."  So instead of saying, "this is my first real wedding, so its ok to wear a white gown, have a band, throw my bouquet and have my father give me away." I would so much rather hear a SW bride say, "this marriage is just as important to US as any other thing we have done, and we intend to celebrate it in the manner that makes us happy." Alpha - not to get personal, but I think you read something into her comment that was never there.  I think many of us are very sensitive about the fact you stated -"nothing we ever do can undo that".  Because it is so true.  I know I look back on my first marriage, and wonder how I ever ended up where I did.  But frankly, given the chance to magically make it all disappear, I would NOT do it.  Too much of that life has shaped me into who I am today, the mother that I am, the parent that I am, the empathetic manager that I am.  My mistakes and failures are as much of the fabric of me as the joys and successes.  And finally- when someone is offended by something I say, I usually try to look at it from their perspective, and to understand where they are coming from.  I certainly try to moderate my future statements to keep from offending them further. It is a way to grow as a person.   Why is that so hard for some of the writers here to do?  ~Donna