Need words-sorry long

soniar07

Hi guys, I can't remember if I've posted here before but I've lurked here and there. This is actually my 3rd marriage, first "wedding" so to say. I'm getting married in just over 3 weeks and last night my 21 year old daughter who's in my wedding party told me that she's waiting on some student loan/aid money to come in and won't know until the last minute if she and her husband can come to the wedding due to it.Please keep in mind, I've probably let her get away with far too much in the past as far as being disrespectful to me. My own fault. The fact remains that I asked her to be in my wedding in February of this year. I have asked nothing but to buy the dress and show up. A $20 dress which she has yet to pay for while buying herself a brand new car. The wedding's two hours away so she and her husband would probably need a hotel for one night if they didn't want to drive back and forth after the rehearsal. Maybe a lil money for some fast food meals in between.She's saved ZERO dollars.  I cannot and WILL NOT wait until the last minute to know if she can and won't. She's shown behavior over and over again that she doesn't want to be in this wedding. She didn't even invite me to hers back in November. I want to tell her come if you she can but being in the bridal party is obviously something she can't manage so no need.Suggestions on how to word this? I have a few ideas but looking for some objective ideas too.

jlk67

I don't think there is a nice way to kick your daughter out of your bridal party.  If she's looking for a way out, she'll find it herself.  If you ask her to step down, then it will be something she can use to justify any resentment or hard feelings she has for you.  If she has financial difficulties, and you really want her to be in your wedding, then how about offering a little assistance.  Her not saving money shows irresponsibility, but she's still your daughter.  I get very frustrated with my girls, but I paid for their bridesmaid dresses and for their hair/make up.  They are both in school and the car payment is more important than paying for a dress and hotel for my wedding.  If I couldn't have had my girls beside me, I would have felt like there was a hole in my wedding. 

handfast4me

I agree with the above, there's no way to gracefully kick someone out of your wedding party, and no matter how it happens, it will cause resentment.  Even if you word it so it's her choice, such as "I wanted you to be in the WP, but I realize that money is tight, so if you want to step down . . . "   it will sound to her like "I don't want you to be in this anymore."  You need to suck it up and just don't count on her being there.  If she's there, great, if not, the only harm she's doing is to herself, because her relationship with you may be damaged because of it.  Heck, she's 21! Studies show that the brain is not fully developed at 21.  And she's already married at this age?  Yikes!  

mma3

I agree with Handfast completely!  Being a mom can be hard and we do end up sacrificing for our children long after they have moved out.  I know I was making stupid choices when I was that age (marriage included).  I am sure my sister was ready to strangle me many times (her being more of a mom than my real one).  In fact, I am sure that she still considers it occasionally and I am 30   Just remember that you love her and give her time to grow up some.  When my parents re-married it was difficult for me to accept (they re-married after I was an adult).

jeannigirl

yea thats tough. Can you swing her dress so that she can be there with you? Yea she bought a car this may be a real necessity and convience for her. Maybe her man and her can stay at your house or other hamily members to save the cost of a hotel room and food?I would talk with her has their sounds like she has some resentment  for something. Life is to short to harbor ill feelings.

soniar07

Good points. I need to find out if it really is just the money. There are always solutions to that.

handfast4me

Hi Sonia, I also wanted to let you know that you may want to take your full name out of your post/signature.  It's a big, bad, dangerous world out there, and unfortunately, there are brides on these boards who have had their entire wedding and reception cancelled by other bad people on these boards.  I didn't want it to happen to anyone else.

futurestepmama

I understand that it's probably not the money, but the attitude behind it that's bothering you.  You say you can not and will not wait until the last minute to know if she'll be in the wedding, but IMHO you probably should.  Plan it with her there, help out if you can.  If she doesn't show, she doesn't show.  It will be hard, but make sure your priorty is having your daughter at your wedding and not having her respect you.She shouldn't be behaving this way, but I think you'll regret it if you choose your wedding to stand up to her.  Just go with the flow and have a beautiful wedding!

soniar07

No worries ladies. We text'd today and agreed to come up with a back up plan if her money doesn't come in. I have no money to help her out but there are people she could ride with for the drive (2 hours) to the venue and back home, bunk with, etc. So if she really wants to come she'll be there. If she doesn't she won't. Its something I have no control over and I'll just have to accept that.