Ugh, my 12 year old daughter is freaking out over the name change.

nurseangie2

She is really getting upset that my last name will be different than hers.  Her dad is also remarrying (July), and she stated that she doesn't want his FI to have the name.  If it's not one thing, it's another!

Just when you think everyone is all onboard and adjusting well, boom!!!!! Another bump in the road!

right1thistime

A friend of mine had 4 children, and explained it to them like this:  You get your name in two ways, by marriage or by blood.  I got the name Smith by marrying your Dad, and I am not married to him anymore.  You got the name Smith because you are Dad's kids, and have his blood.  You can keep that name forever, or change it when you marry someone. 

Not everyone agrees with it, but it worked for her. 

Sue-n-Kevin

It's never easy.

For what it's worth: my daughter's Dad and I didn't marry, so she has his last name. I still have my maiden name, which is the same as my older child's, since his Dad had nothing to do with him at all. I kept my maiden name only because I had it for over 50 years and am known professionally by it and didn't really want to change it after all this time. We still get mail addressed to Mr & Mrs Kevin, but whatever, LOL.

I think the explanation above is as good as it gets for kids. At 12, they will question EVERYTHING, LOL.

Lisa50

I can understand where your daughter is coming from ... I'd freak out too if my mom and I shared the same last name for 12 years and mom just decided to change her last name.  I would not, in any way, accept that mom getting married = a name change.  It would seem very random to me.  Kids don't like change.  Period. 

I bet, if the two of you had different last names for her entire life, she'd be fine with you changing your name.  She'd likely be freaking out over something else.  Isn't that the job of a 12 year old??

msuprincess04

I can see where she's coming from. Especially if she lives with you and is closer to you. She'd feel like she's losing you to someone else. To someone else's family. I agree that this is a different situation than if you had always had different last names.

Hyphenate your last name, so you can retain the name you share with your daughter as well as that of your new husband. Or just move the last name to your middle name.

tcam2012

I was surprised that my 4 year olds had a problem with the name change.  I only told them about it last week.  I went back to my maiden name after my divorce so they don't remember a time when we had the same last name.  After this & that, one of them went right to the heart of it.  She asked if I was going to be a new mommy.  She seemed comforted when I said I would be the same mommy just with a different last name.  Maybe this is the heart of it for your daughter too?  It's such a huge change for us (the adults) to get married.  It must be a bit scary for the kids too.

jchollaway

I haven't told my 9 year old son yet. I dont think he will react well. He freaked out at first at the idea of me getting married, until I explained that nothing would really change, except I would wear a ring and he would have a step dad. He didn't care about the ring, and he was happy about the step dad because he likes FI a lot.

But I am concerned about how he will react when I tell him we won't have the same last name. My current last name is his dad's last name. When I got divorced, I just didn't see a reason to change my name back. I dont' want to hyphenate because I really don't want my ex-husband's name.

I like the idea of talking about celebrities and his classmates/friends who may have the same issue. Making it sound more normal, and not a big deal. I've learned that if I do'nt make a big deal of something, he usually doesn't either.

beautiflaw

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_ugh-my-12-year-old-daughter-is-freaking-out-over-the-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:12661dc2-e8b0-4513-b8d7-0063cadeb962Post:0b6be245-8b6b-403d-abc3-27855a362089">Re: Ugh, my 12 year old daughter is freaking out over the name change.</a>:
[QUOTE]I can understand where your daughter is coming from ... I'd freak out too if my mom and I shared the same last name for 12 years and mom just decided to change her last name .  I would not, in any way, accept that mom getting married = a name change.  It would seem very random to me.  Kids don't like change.  Period.  I bet, if the two of you had different last names for her entire life, she'd be fine with you changing your name.  She'd likely be freaking out over something else.  Isn't that the job of a 12 year old??
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

I was 25 years old when my mom remarried and even I didn't like my mother changing her name. She remarried after my dad passed away, and they'd had a wonderful marriage up until he'd passed, so I thought maybe she'd hyphenate or something when I first found out about the engagement. Turns out that was unacceptable to her husband and he felt that she wouldn't be truly "his" if he had to share his wife's last name with my dad. The man has major jealousy issues over a dead man. Its complicated. So anyway, she changed her whole last name and dropped my dad's off. It was like he'd never existed. Plus she announced her engagement the day after my dad's birthday. I was upset, but I have never breathed a word to her about it, because now that I'm grown it would be unacceptable for me to be upset about such a thing, but it just hurt at first. I am over it now but at first it did feel really terrible.

12 is a hard age for a girl. Think back, this is when puberty begins to hit like a ton of bricks for a lot of girls. She is probably going through some changes of her own that she is having trouble accepting, and to her this probably seems like the icing on the cake. Definitely keep taking to her about it like PPs suggested and help her understand. When she is older she will get it, even if she's having a hard time processing it right now.

vo0206501

Awwww...I hope it all works out for you and for her! I have 2 daughters (8 and 10) and a son (13) from a previous marriage. Getting married in 11 days! My FI and girls were having a discussion one day about how I would have his last name after we get married. They were both so upset...not because MY name was changing but because they wanted THEIR names to change to his as well! I KNOW it made my FI feel really good to hear that. Anyway I am sure they will be fine when it's all said and done!  

MikesAngie

My DSD wanted me to change my last name to my DH's (hers as well), but the decision to change my name was mine.  

I'm sorry that your daughter is being so protective of her "last name" and how it connects you, her and her dad.  It sounds like she hasn't healed from the divorce yet and hasn't really accepted that you both have moved on and are happy.