Dealing with inlaws

scoop69

So you would think at 40+ with both of us not on our first wedding, we wouldn't have to deal with in-law issues. Wrong!! My FI and I were actually high school sweethearts, had planned to marry right after I graduated. That didn't happen (obviously), but we are still dealing with issues and anymosity from our parents left over from 25 years ago--neither side was thrilled that we were together. My parents have accepted this is going to happen and are kind of getting into planning. His parents have not even congratulated us. He is trying to stay cool, but I know he is hurt by this. For my part, I am trying to let him handle this, but I am only about a half step from going off on this woman. Suggestions ladies? I would rather keep relations harmonious, but I also feel that needs to come from both sides.

Marrin713

Do you know what it is that they are all pissy about?

NJ Jen

It may be better if it came from both sides, but you can't control her.

I always figure the last thing I want to do is make my husband choose between his mother and his wife. Because even if you win. you lose.

What's all the squabbling about?

scoop69

Strangely enough, this is moslty a hold over from when he and I were together 26 years ago in high school. As I said originally, we had planned to marry as soon as I graduated and start a family. Because of this, I guess he turned down a VERY promising position in the Army because it required that he not make any ties to anything or anyone (no getting married, no having kids, no buying a house, etc). Now, keep in mind that I had no idea about this. If he had talked to me before turning it down, I would have told him to take it and we would adjust. But I guess it was all my fault that he declined this position. Then, when we broke up, he was devastated enough that he considered the priesthood--he only chose against that route because he really wanted kids.
So, long story short, she is still holding a grudge from a lot of this. I also think that a lot of her issue goes back to all the control she is going to lose. He works overseas, so his parents have been helping to take care of his children and much of his business in the states in order to make this feasible. Now that I'm in the picture, she is going to lose all of that control.
Quite the drama, huh? And Jen, you are right. I don't want to make him choose between his parents and me. We have both agreed that as long as the parents could be civil face-to-face, we would deal with any anymosity from both sides. But this is beyond that.

handfast4me

I usually advocate for hitting things head on, for "naming it"  (ie, there's a big elephant in the room and everyone is pretending it isn't there).  However, in this case, I would ignore their less than enthusiastic response, UNLESS they say things and act in a harmful way to you.  I would act as if they're thrilled with you two getting married, and hope that they come along.  When you two do finally marry, they'll figure out that this is for real this time, you're not going to break up as happened last time, and they should come around.  If they don't, then it's at that time you will have to make a decision if these people are worth keeping in your life or not. 

AdelphiTN

I agree with handfast. Maybe they are in a believe-it-when-i-see-it mode. i'd ignore it and just allow them time to see that this is real, and get "on the bus" when they get it.

and congrats!

pamila51510

I agree with Handfast as well! Let it roll and see how it all plays out. They be worried for their son. Just keep smiling and planning and being happy. You can't make everyone else happy all the time. Its their choice to be happy or not don't let them rain on your parade.

MikesAngie

Handfast is on the money here. 

I hope it works out and you can forge a relationship your future in laws.  Do not start something, and ignore her digs.  It's not fun to be the bigger person but it's usually the only route to take especially if these people are going to be "family".

scoop69

Thanks, ladies...I appreciate the venue in which to vent.

The good thing is that my FI took care of this last weekend. He basically told his mother that this is happening, and she needs to grow up. He has actually lived through this when he married his 1st wife and ended up not talking to them for almost 2 years because of her attitude. He has made it clear that it will be a lot longer than that if she doens't get it together.

Anyway, thx again!! Good luck to all!

jssc_plsn

okay my two cents hit this now so it wont cause issue after marriage my mom and sisters and i were having issues iwth my fiance mom and grandma do to along story short my fiance ex meth adict who recentlly had a relapse and got caugtht in jan. but at first his fam would not support him at all and did nothing until my fam steped in to help me and him out because my fam realized it was a relapse and that does happen so then his mom dedsided to go over board and took our car away from us and filed his taxes behind his back and mine and then told him i could not have them because i would take the money and keep in mind i at this time got my taxes back and spent over 2 grand on bills that accumulated and 5 grand on his lawyer bills the eqivulant of his taxes was only 1200 he got back so i fig it was obvouis i was taking the money on run and then she had the nerve to get paper drawn up to tak over consent of all his affairs so he stoped talking to her and refused to sign all papers long story short she blamed me for alll of this and reseented my fam fo rhelping out so after he got out and we desided to go on with wedding i made my fam and his fam sit down and hash out all of the issues. it helped we still are on touchy terms but we all get along now and can sit in same room without glaring. but to also understand your view on my fiance mom has controll issues also she not used ot anyone standing up to her and i do.

Erin McCormack

I agree with Handfast and Pamila, better to let your FI handle this one, he's been doing it for this many years already.  Sometimes you just need to step back, let things work there way out and in the meantime enjoy your plans.  Although in-laws and family are part of the package, at the end of the day, it's still about your love and commitment and marriage to each other. 
My future MIL who is a wonderful, quiet, respectful woman even needed a little talk from my FI.  In our early planning, anytime I (we) brought up our plans for the wedding, she kept bringing up his first and informing me of details.  Mind you she doesn't like the ex, but, she still felt the need to bring her up.  How much the ex spent on the her dress (which was too much) , where they had there wedding and the chamber music etc.  The ex is already a BIG ELEPHANT in our house and I was beginning to feel like this was the anti Li.. wedding.  I just wanted her to be excited about ours and the past stay in the past. 
Long story short, FI spoke to her, she was upset that she had made me feel uncomfortible and didn't realize it.  I think alot of it stems from once your in that mode of fixation, it's hard to change gears and move on especially if they're older.  So, it all worked out.  Now I just need to figure out how to get thie pschyco, alcohoic wackjob of an ex to crawl back under the rock she came out of......LOL
I like to think that love and happiness will prevail and we'll all live happily ever after.