Guilt Ridden

hisbabygirl76

I have read the "its normal" post and I go back and re read alot of the messages and I know what I am feeling is normal. Just felt like getting this off my mind for a bit. I thought maybe if I write it out I wont feel so bad. I am recently engaged. Its my 2nd and FI's first wedding. I have an extremly supportive family, supportive friends, FI's family is super supportive and yet I still feel guilty. Not guilty I am getting married again because my previous situation was horrid. Guilty for being excited, for wanting things for this wedding to be special, for wanting to be that gushing bride. I keep saying "lets keep it simple and nothing fancy, low key but fun" When deep down I want to celebrate. I am not thinking huge fancy party stuff but I want to feel beautiful and I want to wow him. I want to not feel guilty for wanting to feel like this is my first time. I went to my first ever bridal expo this weekend and was so overwhelmed but it was so fun. I worry too what others will think if I go foward with my dreams . If they will think I shouldnt have done it. Someone please tell me I am not silly for feeling this way

Thanks for reading if you got this far. Its great to have a board with women who have BTDT.

Stephanie

hisbabygirl76

Thank you Avion for that. Sometimes hearing it from another person in your shoes just helps, KWIM?

romamor4

The way I see it, and the way I respond to people if they get snarky about it, is this: Is your second marriage any less important than your first? For most people it's MORE important! So why shouldn't you have a party and celebrate and do it the way YOU want to??!! Remembering this simple thought has really helped me with the guilt I initially felt. And through time, others have changed their attitudes as well. I hope that helps!

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_guilt-ridden?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:1579ffc9-b288-477d-a102-54efa49c318dPost:5014cbbe-b000-4393-8f33-63e56b115ade">Guilt Ridden</a>:
[QUOTE]. I worry too what others will think if I go forward with my dreams . If they will think I shouldn't have done it. Someone please tell me I am not silly for feeling this way :) Posted by hisbabygirl76[/QUOTE]
Stephanie - I cannot tell you that you are NOT silly for feeling that others will think you should not have done the wedding of your dreams.  Because I think that your feelings are not silly (we get what we get as far as feelings are concerned), but I do think that you do not NEED to feel guilt ridden based on what others think.

Think about it this way:  what would you have ended up with if you had let a worry about what others thought about leaving your xH and getting a divorce limit how you took care of yourself?  Truly, separating and divorcing is more judge-worthy than finding new love, and wanting to shout it from the rooftops and singing it from the stars.  What you did in that horrid situation is to make a decision based on what was best for you.  And that is what the TWO of you can do now, decide to have a wedding that is truly the best for the TWO of you.  Not what is going to keep jaws from flapping in people who have too little to do. 

If there is anyone you are really seriously concerned is going to make commentary or judge you, decide right now if you want to deal with it. If you DO want to deal with them, figure out your response. If you need ideas, read back the last 10 pages of this board, I am sure the advice on how to put them in their place is repeated at least once a page.  If you DO NOT want to deal with them, then decide to not invite them, not talk to them about wedding planning or to stop dealing with them altogether. 

As far as careless comments made by clueless acquaintances?  Sometimes you just have to let things roll off your back.  ~Donna

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_guilt-ridden?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:1579ffc9-b288-477d-a102-54efa49c318dPost:5014cbbe-b000-4393-8f33-63e56b115ade">Guilt Ridden</a>:
[QUOTE] I worry too what others will think if I go foward with my dreams . If they will think I shouldnt have done it. Someone please tell me I am not silly for feeling this way :) Thanks for reading if you got this far. Its great to have a board with women who have BTDT. Stephanie
Posted by hisbabygirl76[/QUOTE]
Typed out a long reply, saw it on the board, then POOF, gone.
Sorry, but I cannot tell you that you are NOT silly for worrying what others will think.  Not for your feelings (we get what we get as far as feelings are concerned).   What other people think or their opinions shouldn't influence what you choose to do. 

Think of it this way:  when you realized that your first marriage was not working out, did you change the way you reacted because you were worried about what people would think?  Separating & divorcing are so much more judge worthy than celebrating finding new & joyful love. 

If you are really worried about what people will think, figure out your coping strategy now.  If there are some really judgy folks - how will you handle them?  Will you choose to NOT invite them?  Or choose to respond to them and put them in their place?  If you need examples of how to do that, read the past 10 pages of posts to this board.  I am sure that question has been answered at least once per page.  Or choose to simply ignore them? 

As far ridiculous comments from acquaintances?  Not worth your time or energy.  ~Donna

hisbabygirl76

Donna i did see your reply and there was another my Roma I think and I replied and Poof its gone.

Leaveing work but a quick thank you for your advice.

romamor4

Yes, I replied too and it disappeared!

coopsbaby

I totally get what you're feeling, and I got that way a little at first too. But the truth is I am excited and gushing and I can't hide that! I am thrilled to be marrying an awesome man, and to be out of the terrible previous situation, and if anyone wants to judge me for that, then to heck with them. Everyone who matters is very happy for us, and gosh-darnit WE are happy for us! (And I'm happy for you too. Enjoy your planning and your day!)

RichNicci4211122

I would tell you not to worry about what other think.  It's not about them it's about YOU and your FI... But you won't listen so I won't. 
This is my 2nd and his 3rd.  He had a 500 person grand affair to ex #1 and a small family only to #2.  I was married at city hall.   So when he asked me what I wanted I told him that I wanted the wedding that I always wanted but never got. So that is what we are having.  It's certainly not 500 people but I have my white poofy dress... huge cake (my splurge) and what ever else comes to mind.  And if people don't like it I don't care because the day is to celebrate our marriage and our new lives together not their opinions.
So have what ever wedding you want to have and enjoy the planning process.

romamor4

Retread, I may have to use your quote in my signature! I love it!!

romamor4

This has been a truly inspiring thread!

hisbabygirl76

It sure has.

Sue-n-Kevin

When I married in August, it was my first, but my fiance's 3rd marriage. He knew I wanted something elegant, but we did it within our budget. I did a LOT of DIY for the important things to me, and we really did discuss everything he was interested in.

My worries were not about having a subsequent wedding, as it was my first. It was doing it at 55 years of age. HORRORS! For about a nano-second I worried what people would think about this lovely wedding I wanted to plan, with me in a white dress (after having 2 kids "out of wedlock"). But my worries melted as I realized I was getting to share this joy with the man I was meant to end my life with.

I still wish it wasn't over, because it was the best party I ever planned........and that is how I looked at it. I was planning this great party for our friends and family, and we happened to get married the same day. May sound backwards, but that's how I felt.

You'll get over it. The ladies here are wonderful.

hisbabygirl76

I agree with retread , Sue you do not look 55. And than you for sharing your story.  I went today and got my dress and its beautiful and perfect and amazing and everything I wanted.

Kate Gusmano

A second wedding is a chance to do things exactly the way you want  to do them! Here's a little inspiration for you:

http://www.bluecollarbride.com/encore-weddings/

MikesAngie

HisBabyGirl -  Congratulations on finding the perfect dress!!!! We will want to see pictures!!

caraleis

I understand how you feel. I have been married before and my FI has not.  I want to have this big wedding for him because I feel that it's important to him.  But, I feel guilty to get excited about it myself because of what I feel like other people might think. I didn't know if this guilt was just something that I was feeling or  if other people like in my situation get these feelings as well. Thanks for writing your post, now I feel not so alone

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_guilt-ridden?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:1579ffc9-b288-477d-a102-54efa49c318dPost:2152afaf-01e3-4bb9-8ec3-8399370c69e5">Re: Guilt Ridden</a>:
[QUOTE]A second wedding is a chance to do things exactly the way you want  to do them! Here's a little inspiration for you:LINK REMOVED
Posted by Kate Gusmano[/QUOTE]

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