Upset with 2nd thoughts...

staceyd100

Last evening I couldn't find my cell phone, so i shouted down stairs to DF if I could use his to call mine...no big deal, right?  He shouted back "no, I'll do it, I'll be right up." Umm okay...throughout our relationship he's always been shady with his phone so I finally confronted him last night about what it is that he doesn't want me to see?  He receives his e-mail and facebook msg on his phone so I am assuming there is something he is hiding or protecting me from. He finally agreed that he didn't want me to get upset if for some rare reason he would get a text or msg from his recent ex or another ex....and that he was protecting me from getting upset. He said it would be the one time I would pick up his phone and see a missed call or something and flip out. 

First off, he doesn't have any ties with his ex (they didn't have children and fully divorced) so if he did receive a random text from her it should be nothing but an innocent text and why would he hide that from me? Why would he go to great lengths to hide his phone for two years to protect me from something so innocent?? We are 4 weeks out from getting married, we should be an open book with nothing to hide...

Am I wrong for feeling a little insecure about our relationship or am over reacting? 

right1thistime

Are you upset at yourself for having second thought?  Or upset with him for being secretive and deceptive?  Or upset that his secretive behavior resulted in you having second thoughts? 

ETA: to answer your question, I don't think you are overreacting.

soon to be mrs pham

my fi had same issue with phone but it was because ex used to spy on him with his phone. monitering his calls reading his emails ect... always accusing him of cheating because of what came across his phone. fi never gets any calls or texts except from his dad and his dads cousin. wondering if perhaps there is nothing to hide but he might have an insecurity about his privacy? still not a good thing because he should trust you at this point obviously but perhaps something that can get easily worked out

awayagain

I love it when men lie or keep secrets under the guise of "protecting".  What a bunch of ****.  If everything were totally innocent, there is nothing to "protect" you from.
Turn it around - if you were getting texts from exes that simply said, "Hey, Stacey, just wondering how you're doing", you wouldn't have a problem with your FI seeing them.  But if those texts said, "Stacey, I miss you and the hot sex we used to have", and you were turned on by that, you would hide your phone from him. Right?
There's no need to "protect" you from an innocent text message - what he's protecting are is own testicles - from you giving them a swift kick!

awayagain

Can you tell I'm on the old hormonal roller coaster today?

Avion22

Just try being honest with him.  Tell him that you don't mind if he gets messages from his ex as long as they are "innocent" and there is no reason for him to keep those things secret from you.

staceyd100

Yea, we've talked previously about his trying to 'protect' me from messages from his exes and I've always said that I would rather him tell me than hide it..but last night I was brutally blunt about his reaction with his cell phone and what it was that he was trying to hide from me. He kept saying that he was insulted that I would even think anything 'bad' but in all honestly, how could I not if you act so shady and then openly admit that within the last few months you received an 'innocent' msg from a former ex that you were trying to 'protect' me from...soo, I've been thinking about how to handle this all morning and I feel like I am at the point if everything is so innocent why don't we both exchange our passwords to our fb, phone, and e-mail accounts? That way neither of us has any doubt tucked away...I dunno, is that taking it a bit too far or do I have the right to ask for this type of openness? Truly, I most likely woudn't even check any of his accounts but it would be a piece of mind knowing that  I could if I wanted to and him as well. I don't care about the past messages I just want to be open and honest from here on out. 

Feedback please, I am so torn at what to do. I feel like I've given him enough privacy and the chance to be open and honest and if there truly is nothing to hide then he shouldn't give me a hard time about this, right?

Avion22

Please please please don't exchange passwords for email and facebook.   It never ends well.

I know you feel like you should "share everything". but email is one of those things that should be private.   Like, how would you order him a birthday present from Amazon and keep it a surprise if he has your email password?   How would he set up a surprise party for you using facebook if you have his password?

Honesty in a relationship DOES NOT mean you have to have each other's passwords.  It means...well...being honest.  If you feel that he isn't being honest with you, then you two need to have a discussion (like a real, calm, open talk) about what is going on and how it makes you feel.  Understand each other's feelings.  Try to validate why he feels the way he does, and hopefully he'll try to validate your feelings.

JostMarried

I agree with awayagain - something is really wrong and there are red flags going up everywhere. I also don't think having each other's password will be any help. He can change his password anytime anyway - so what does this do? Nothing. Not sure I would be marrying this man.

right1thistime

Listen - if you are having second thoughts, it is your little voice telling you that there is a problem.  If you WANT to check up on him, you are having doubts about his honesty.  You have one month until you will have to go to court to untangle yourself from him, when you suddenly stumble upon the proof you seem to need.  My advice to you is to hit the brakes now HARD. 

The worst thing that will happen is you lose a little money, endure a little aggravation and embarassment and reschedule the wedding.  The worst thing that will happen if you go ahead with the wedding in a month is that you end up legally married to someone who lies to you and is hiding things from you-- not to protect you, but to protect his cheating self.  You will lose more money (divorce ain't cheap) and still be embarassed and aggravated. 

I am not telling you not to marry him.  I am telling you to figure this out before you do.  I have been there, and the truth is, if your little voice is telling you that something is wrong, walking down the aisle in a pretty white dress is not going to make it better.  This time around, I married a man who I can trust without reservation.  Let me tell you how refreshing that is, and it is the way it should be.  ~Donna

JostMarried

As usual Donna you have made perfect sense! I agree.

thealphabride

Chiming in late here, but I gotta say it: 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

IMHO:  Him hiding his phone from you for YEARS???? this has red flags all over it. 

I agree with Donna. Your inner voice is telling you to beware, please explore the situation and don't marry unless you feel you can trust him completely.

AND him being insulted that you are even asking, I'm sorry, but that screams "I'm guilty of something" ....

staceyd100

Gosh, you are all right. After reading everyone's thoughts I sat df down this afternoon, after I had calmed down and had time to think everything thru. I admit, I do tend to jump the gun and overreact at times but in a much calmer fashion we talked it out. From here on out we both have full access to each others phones. We both agreed that I have overreacted in the past and he admitted that he just didn't want to upset me and have me over analyze something that was nothing, but moving forward we will be open with our phones, we both have each others phone code, which we've always had but now that everything is talked out it seems silly how we both were acting. I never mentioned anything before now and with a little communication things have been worked out and we're both happy. I was married before and I think I might be having those second thoughts bc I don't ever want to get divorced again. We rarely ever fight and when we do we always work thru it after we've calmed down and communicate. Thanks everyone for listening and helping

JostMarried

Hummm... Glad you "talked" but for the record, I don't think you overreacted - at all.

leahkate

Having access to each other's phones means nothing. He can easily delete anything he doesn't want you to see. 

awayagain

Having access to each other's phones means nothing. He can easily delete anything he doesn't want you to see. 

Which makes me wonder why he wouldn't have immediately deleted these "innocent" texts in order to "protect" you.

JostMarried

Smoke and mirrors...

annie912

This is a tough one. My first husband cheated on me, and I know on more than one occassion I haven't been as trusting with my FI as I should be, likely as a result fo my subconcious waiting for him to do the same thing. This really does have "red flag" written all over it, though. It's been an on-going problem for you, and now that it's "crunch time" you've suddenly talked through everything and it's all fine? I really hope that's the case (and I don't sound like I'm judging because I'm really not) and that everything is resolved and your marriage is long and happy.