curiosity

soon to be mrs pham

ive been wondering... how much arguing is normal? I am worried that perhaps fi and i argue to much

right1thistime

We may disagree more often than I voted (monthly), but it is respectful and not emotional.  It is issue related, not personal.  I don't consider that an argument. 

handfast4me

DH and I argue, on average, monthly.  However, a few weeks ago, we were at one another's throats every day.  About, now get this. . .drumroll please. . . politics.  

This morning he was yelling about something (he reads these blogs and gets upset, and in telling me, he is so excited that his voice is LOUD.)  So I have to say "stop yelling at me about someone else being a dumba$$."   That stopped him and he apologized.  I know he LOVES this country and that the path we're on is not what he would choose.  So there's that.  :-P

I have to admit that we have communication issues.  I've tried everything I know how to get us on track, but we just have very different communication styles. What's worse, I am very literal and he assumes a lot.   It helps knowing that, but I have to really ask for what I need.  "I need you to tell me. . . "   

We're working through it  

As an FYI, we never fought before we lived together.  And even then, we only fought once or twice in the year before we were married and were living together.     

ichellemay1

Having both come from poor communication relationships, FI and I are good about communicating.  As pp mentioned, there is discussing and then there is an emotional argument.  Even those aren't so bad if they are handled appropriately.  We took a pre-marital class from the state and conflict resolution was a MUST on their curriculum.  It was very confirming for us.

renjon7798

define "arguing".  My FI have discussions that can turn into heated debates on a regular basis, but we don't inslut eachother and never disrepect eachother.  We can just both be passionate about our views sometimes.  But in the end, if it's something important, we always come to a fair compromise. 

MikesAngie

My DH and I learned how one another communicates so long ago that we really don't argue or fight.  We discuss things but nothing hardly ever gets heated or emotional.

There was one time and it was because he corrected me in front of the DSD and she saw it as an invitation to chime in. I waited until she was out of earshot and told him very sternly not to ever do that again because it put his child in a position of power. Shortly after this we talked about parenting skills and how to best parent together his child.  

I am the more fiery of the two of us. I have found that if I count to a quick ten when he decides to say something that could be seen as pushing a button or "ignore" a request; I can force myself to simmer down, do a gut check and decide how to best handle it calmly. 

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_curiosity?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:1f4589ba-d5b8-4a60-9a61-2bf2777b023bPost:db80a926-38c8-43fa-b267-fa2e3b906ee2">Re: curiosity</a>:
[QUOTE]define "arguing".  My FI have discussions that can turn into heated debates on a regular basis, but we don't inslut eachother and <strong>never</strong> disrepect eachother.  We can just both be passionate about our views sometimes.  But in the end, if it's something important, we always come to a fair compromise. 
Posted by renjon7798[/QUOTE]

See, I have a hard time with never, personally.  I LOVE to debate, and that for sure is not personal, doesn't include insults or disrespect.  However, if you tick me off, my tongue cuts like a laser.  And every hurt, forgotten promise and unkind word WILL be used against you.  DH is much more on the mild side.  He wants to calmly sit and discuss.  I far prefer to have a knock down drag out, yelling screaming swearing fight.  I have been known to throw things, in fact (not at anyone).  Like you see on TV.  Then it is done, and I feel better.  DH is way more straight backed, pip pip, proper than I am.  I don't have a Latin background that I know about, but if one showed up in my family tree, I wouldn't be surprised. 

Besides, making up is fu-u--u-u-nnnnn! 

right1thistime

Then seriously, Retread, based on your definition any one who shouted "F*ck you you f*cking.... f*ck"  in the heat of an argument is not normal.  (A direct quote from yours truly, that broke both of us into a fit of giggles, because my usual articulate self couldn't come up with a better word than f*ck.) 

I don't think you can define normal.  I think couples have a normal.  I would never be cruel, finding DH's tender underbelly and going in for the kill.  But I will certainly call him an a$$hole.   And my typical use of curse words works in triple time.  What I would say is that if either party objects to the rules of the game, then there is cause for concern.  Obviously physical violence is not ever ok.  There's more than one way to skin a cat (what a terrible phrase) and while I agree that love shouldn't hurt, flinging a couch pillow (at the couch)  to underscore a point isn't going to hurt anyone. 

right1thistime

Thank you for your opinion.  Would you like to try the bean dip?

handfast4me

LOL Donna!  DH and I have yelling matches about politics, as mentioned before.  I think his conservative views are incredibly naiive, he thinks I'm trying to destroy the country.   We're both fine right afterwards.   We never call one another names, but I have felt like it.  (Like, how can you be so stupid, you stupid f*ck?)  

In my previous marriage, we did do the name calling and yelling.  It's the example my parents gave me, and they stayed married for 37 years until my dad's death at age 63.  They were best friends, worst enemies, and everything in between.  My mom never remarried even though she had a couple of proposals, and died 9 years later. 

Why can't we all just get along?    :-P

handfast4me

Oh, and PS:

My new favorite word from Renjon's response:  Inslut.  Now, let's everyone use that in a sentence.

BTW, Donna:  GO PATS!!!!  :::Fist bump::::

Sue-n-Kevin

I have yet to have an argument with my hubby. Not even a solid disagreement. But I know he thinks I'm one of the smartest people he knows, so that difuses a lot of the disagreement right there.

My ex (daughter's dad) was one of the most critical, mean spirited and negative people I have ever met. That is why he is no longer around. The sad part is that he is now married to someone even MORE mean spirited and our daughter is bearing the brunt of his decision.

To your original post: None of us can answer if you and your fiance argue too much. "Too much" will be different for all of us. If your arguments are about money or children, then that can be a serious issue in any relationship going forward.

I knew my ex would be my ex and gone from our house when I was driving home one day and dreading getting home. To MY home. It didn't feel like a loving, supportive home anymore, it was a building with stress in it. It didn't feel like the home I grew up in where the people in it are there to make the 4 walls a safe haven from the realities of the outside world.

handfast4me: It would drive me BERSERK if my hubby had different political views than I did. This was actually something I asked him on our first date: how do you vote? Now all my political arguments are with my son who has a Master's in public policy/political science. He has the vision of the world as it should be, and I bring to bear to all our discussions the political history of our country in my lifetime.

awayagain

According to Nazareth, Oprah is wrong

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=soDZBW-1P04

handfast4me

LOL Away again. Too funny.

Sue:  He wasn't this bad when we met, honestly.  It's gotten slowly this way over time.  The funny thing is we agree on the major issues, it's just HOW to get us there that we disagree on.  I have a totally different view because of my day job.  And I have enough of a sense of humor to make fun of it during my weekly stand up act, so there you go.  :-)

soon to be mrs pham

I suppose i feel a bit better... the arguments that we have although frequent dont usually involve and cussing or name calling and NEVER EVER any hitting. raised voices more often than not and theyre usually just about my frusteration at our communication problems (english is not his first language so he  takes everything i say quite literally and i use figurative speech alot) but i am quite a hothead and id say about once a month i go on a real tizzy.

debbiem56

Before we got married, we discussed fighting.  In his prior marriage it was yelling and screaming and even hitting on her part, goading him to hit her.  In mine, it was silence.  We just clammed up and let it fester.  We spent most of our time not talking.  So, we agreed that we would discuss our feelings, and work it out the best we can.  We have not argued yet, but we have had disagreements, especially when we have misunderstood each other.  I have to admit that I have held back on some criticisms, which I hope to talk about someday because they annoy me.  He has apologized when he knows he said or did something that bothered me, long before I said something and made it an argument.

MikesAngie

Retread - your definition of how to speak to a spouse is very similar to what I told my XH when he would be verbally abusive.  My attempt to educate him didn't work. The "F Bomb" was his favorite word and he would pair it with other unsavory words when he wasn't pleased with me or anyone else. His favorite emotional blackmail game "I want a divorce", eventually he got one. 

afeith6658

Being that I'm an admitted bit@h, I'd say we bicker daily. Nothing huge and he always puts me in my place. However, there are times when the man in him makes an appearance (that's the part that lacks any logic or reason for the stupid things he does) and we'll have a blow out. In two years that has only happened twice.

handfast4me

Uh, Afelth, "he puts me in my place" ??!!!  WTF (oh, and there's the f word again, for those who are counting.)  I don't understand that statement.  Of course, I know that women and men are equal, and in my religion, unlike some of you muggles, the genders are equal, although groups of males do not practice without at least one female present. 

So, as you can see, I use the F work ALL the time.  I learned to use it at work, when I was doing syphilis and HIV partner notification, and I use it on the road, when some f'ing idiot cuts me out, and I use it at home.  I use it on Thursday nights when I have a regular comedy gig and do stand up. I also talk about blow jobs, and anal sex, so there you have it. 

With DH and I, there's no name calling, but there's lots of swearing. And there's even more swearing at the TV  "That's not true, you f'ing idiot!" 

handfast4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_curiosity?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:1f4589ba-d5b8-4a60-9a61-2bf2777b023bPost:7f285d46-e0de-4cc0-8c22-db01e658ab12">Re: curiosity</a>:
[QUOTE]Being that I'm an admitted bit@h, I'd say we bicker daily. Nothing huge and <strong>he always puts me in my place.</strong> However, there are times when the man in him makes an appearance (that's the part that lacks any logic or reason for the stupid things he does) and we'll have a blow out. In two years that has only happened twice.
Posted by afeith6658[/QUOTE]

I'm still waiting for an explanation of the quote above, in bold.  WTF?