when the parents arent excited

playwrightsgirl

i divorced 2 years ago. he was more like a sibling than a dh. anyway parents loved him and still do. in the meantime i have moved on and found someone who makes my heart flutter. funny how if i had known the difference of loving someone and being in love, i could have skipped all the heart ache.. 

well i am getting remarried.. yeah.. my fi wants a wedding with me, something that he always wanted and i want to give him. however my parents are less enthusiastic. my mom doesnt feel its right for me to have a ceremony or make a big fuss of it. i am extremely close to my mom and family. they do love the new fi, just dont see the need. 

i know i shouldnt care what they think but it is a bit depressing not have her excited for me. it is short notice. we are planning a new years eve cermony and are going to make it a black tie event.. since it will just be family and the closest of friends, it will give us a great reason to celebrate. i think everything will work itself out. but i am hesitate about the rules and etiquette or going through this again... 

any particular do's and dont's?  

thanks everyone

Lisa50

Congratulations on your engagement!  I am sorry you're feeling depressed as you plan your wedding.  The biggest "DO" is to figure out what you want and get moving on it. 

I cannot figure out, from what you've written, why your mom "just doesn't feel its right."  Is it the idea of remarriage she objects to?  Or, is it just the idea of a formal ceremony and fancy celebration that she does not care for?  Either way, my advice remains the same -- figure out what you want and move ahead.

Good luck!

playwrightsgirl

i had an outdoor wedding the first time. this will be at my home church. i think both things you mentioned are true. i think deep down they were hoping that i would get back with my ex and the thought of going through another ceremony. 

i am sure it will all work out. just creates unnecessary doubt about having a wedding. curious if anybody else understands

MikesAngie

I understand how parents can affect one's mood, but you need to step back from her opinion and take another look at your upcoming ceremony. 

Your upcoming ceremony is a FIRST marriage between you and your FI, and his first wedding.  You need to celebrate your love in the manner in which you see fit. 

If it will make you feel better sit down with your mom and talk with her about your FI and how much in love you are with him.  Also explain to her that your xH felt more like a sibling to you than an equal partner and the love of your life.  Sometimes for parents to move on they need their own closure. 

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_folks-loved-dh1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:1ff61469-d5cf-4ab3-8328-cdd79a4990f8Post:04bf0169-80e9-4273-b959-49a9ef7e337a">Re: when the folks loved dh#1</a>:
[QUOTE]i had an outdoor wedding the first time. this will be at my home church. i think both things you mentioned are true. i think deep down they were hoping that i would get back with my ex and the thought of going through another ceremony.  i am sure it will all work out. just creates unnecessary doubt about having a wedding. curious if anybody else understands
Posted by playwrightsgirl[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with such angst.  I suspect mom's attitude will soften over time.  It would be only natural that your parents might want a reconciliation; they are not unlike kids in that respect.  I am sure it will get better over time. 

I have not had to deal with that ... but MUCH MORE time has passed for me.  My first wedding was in 1992; we separated in 1998, with divorce final in 2000.  My son from that marriage will graduate from high school a month before the wedding.  Between that and what will be 5 years together with my FI on the wedding date, it's more than enough time for everyone to heal and move on.

I wish you all the best.  As long as you're comfortable with your relationship at this point, that's all that matters.  Your parents will be supportive over the long haul.  Good luck!

right1thistime

Jenny - From your original post- it isn't like your xH was mean to you, or cheated on you, or some other problem that your parents could rally behind.  It sounds like you just fell out of love- or perhaps were never really in love.  But your parents didn't have that same experience-- so there heart is still engaged with your xH. 

I haven't had that experience, but I can tell you that there are some bonds forged by a marriage that don't break with a divorce.  I have neices and nephews that are my xH's sister's kids who still see me as their aunt, and want to remain close.  Our breakup didn't change that relationship. 

As far as your Mom not seeing the need--- I guess I would say, "so what?"  If she is willing to support you, and be happy for you and participate as a guest- what more do you really need?  She no longer sees you as the young daughter crossing some imaginary bridge to the adult role of wife.  For a MOTHER, I think that is indeed part of what the wedding event underscores-- that rite of passage.   So it is no wonder that, since as far as she's concerned, you are already there, why spend the money, effort and time with a repeat?  Of course, for you the wedding is a very different emotional event.  It's fine that she doesn't share that, the only people to whom it matters is you and your Fi.  Which is plenty. 

Plan the wedding that will make the two of you happiest and enjoy it.  ~Donna

lynniearudner

i went through this before my recent wedding (october 16th) with my now-DH's parents. He was the one married before, and this was MY 1st wedding. 

i can tell you that our experience had a lot to do with religion and the bible. DIVORCE is a 4-letter word to my ILs, and they believe that Jesus condemns it and doesnt recognize it (i am jewish, so i cannot comment on this belief at all).

They have had an extremely hard time accepting their son's divorce (2006) and their lack of enthusiasm for our wedding had very little to do with me. it had everything to do with the fact that they felt their religion does not believe in divorce, so therefore, divorce is never ok, and no remarriage is ever official. 

i have to admit this was extremely hurtful to me at the beginning. but as time went on i took it less personally. it wasnt "me" they didnt like. it was the IDEA of me. as time went by, they were able to see that i was a good person who loves their son, loves their granddaughter, and might even be fun to know. 

it helped that we had an 18 months engagement (after 2 years of dating) because it gave them time to process things on their own schedule. things are better now -- they are working to separate their beliefs and ideals from how we live our lives, and they are recognizing that there is more than one way in the world for people to "live rightly."

it seems like a long engagment is not possible for you, so all i can say is that while i am not SURE your mom will come around, i wouldnt be surprised if she did. after all, you mention that you are very close to her, and because of that, im sure your excitement will be infectious (in a good way, not like a venereal disease!)

invigorating.faith

I am facing the same myself. My ex and I divorced two years ago and my grandparents ( they raised me so technically my parents) are not happy about another wedding. They like my fiance and all but they see my ex every weekend when they drop my kids off with him for me (while Im in class). I dont know if it has anything to do with my ex or not. But I think its like this. Have u ever seen a couple that you just liked together? And then when they split it was all you could think about and you were in such disbelief? I think that is what our parents go through. Anyways I just went on with my wedding plans and they can come or not. I paid for it so they arent obligated. Of course they will be there, they wouldnt miss it for the world but they thought I should have went to Reno or Vegas. The fact of the matter is that divorce affects everyone around us, not just the couple. And wounds like that take time to heal. I have done all the healing I could do myself. The rest is up to time passing as beautiful memories are made with my new husband.

Jenniebeeb

I'm a little late on responding to this...I'm sorry to hear that your parents aren't excited.

Mine aren't excited either, so I can relate.

I’ll hope that your parents (and mine) come around sooner or later – hopefully sooner though

 

Congrats on your engagement, and have fun planning your wedding!

playwrightsgirl

Thanks everyone... This has indeed helped.. so our moms talked today and his got the impression that my parents are not enthusiastic. needless to say my Fi is really upset. i hate seeing him this way. i am currently overseas so i really havent had time to sit and talk with parents face to face.  today has been an emotional day... and the we came very close to deciding on an elopement.   

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_folks-loved-dh1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:1ff61469-d5cf-4ab3-8328-cdd79a4990f8Post:adfdd87b-6f58-4674-bb88-38eebae9dcfc">Re: when the parents arent excited</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone... This has indeed helped.. so our moms talked today and his got the impression that my parents are not enthusiastic. needless to say my Fi is really upset. i hate seeing him this way. i am currently overseas so i really havent had time to sit and talk with parents face to face.  today has been an emotional day... and the we came very close to deciding on an elopement.    
Posted by playwrightsgirl[/QUOTE]

You know what??  An elopement <em>may</em> be the cure.  I wish you all the best.  Just remember, this is <u>your</u> marriage ... not your mother's.  Stay strong!