Telling his ex - when? how?

lmeade62

Hello...I've lurked here for a while but haven't posted for a long time. My ex and I are facing a dilemma, and I'd love some advice.

His divorce was extremely contentious, and as you may guess, his ex is not my biggest fan. He has a teenaged son, and we have scheduled our October wedding with a weekend when he is supposed to have visitation with his son.

Obviously the wedding is several months away, but we are wrestling with when to tell his ex we are getting married. His son knows that we are getting married, but not when, and the last thing in the world we want is to put him in the middle or in the position of somehow telling his mother that we're getting married.

On the other hand, we are afraid that when she finds out she may try to cause some kind of problem. (It's a long story, but our fears are valid to a certain extent.) On the other hand, we want to be courteous and not have her find out through a grapevine or from his son.

Help! Obviously we still have to have contact with her, at least until his son graduates, and we don't want to make waves, but we want to be kind and considerate. Any tips on when and how to tell a bristly ex?

Thank you for any assistance you can provide!

MikesAngie

First, it is not up to you to tell his ex anything.  He should tell her.  I couldn't tell you the timing of the when, but since custody sounds like it is joint the son could slip. 

My FI is not telling his ex until after we're married but she lives more than 3,000 miles away and we have very little contact with her. 

We do have full custody of his daughter though but she isn't in any hurry to tell her biological mom anything - they have a very broken relationship and barely talk on the phone.

Lisa50

I agree with Angie.  This decision is his -- when to tell, how to tell, etc.  I understand why you feel it is a "we" thing, but in this situation he has to take action on his own.  Good luck!

shytownkelly

Definitely agree with pp - the FI needs to manage his Ex.

But I would recommend sooner rather than later.  I understand the whole don't want drama - but if you tell her now she has some time to calm down. (fingers crossed)

And if she were to try to pull anything - like denying access to his son - you'd have time to deal with it legally and not at the last minute. 

Good luck though!

AbbeyS2011

I agree with PPs - he tells her when the timing is right.

My FH has an ex that is near to us geographically and I am sure by now she knows we are getting married since FH, myself, and his ex are all friends on FB, both our status says "engaged to", and their daughter is one of our BMs.  She will not be getting an invite however. 


My ex lives across the country, I have not spoken to him in over 3 years, I have full legal and physical custody of our children, he never communicates with our sons, so I see no reason to let him know that I am getting remarried. 

kachiturian

I'm not going to say anything - my daughter and step-sons know.  I'm pretty sure one of the boys said something.  My children (all of them) are actually not to happy about my ex's new wife.  So as far I'm concerned - they can tell him if they want - but it really doesn't matter to me. 

sweetie1184

Only thing I am going to say is don't pressure your FI to tell his ex. He will do it when he feels is right. My FI was sort of pushing me to tell xH. It made me very uncomfortable and I had to tell FI to back off. Eventually I kind of just slipped it into conversation with xH. Plus FI and I have been living together for quite awhile and I'm sure xH knew it was coming, plus I do have a ring on my finger.

SFKris

Agree, let your Fiance tell her when he is comfortable with the caution of not waiting too long.

In our case we told my SD and SS when engaged and they immiediatly told their BM. We thought we'd get pushback but none yet. Ironically, my Fiance and ex relationship has been great since then something I can not say about prior.

I am not telling my ExH because we do not communicate and don't have children so no need.